Family Guy (TV Series)

The Man with Two Brians (2008)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Alligator Rally Leader, Carol Alt's Husband, Man on Chair

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff. Hey. You know what. We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.

  Cleveland : I don't know Peter. That skull and crossbones warning before the show was pretty clear about not doing that.

  Peter Griffin : Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.

• Lois Griffin : [comes out of a door with a bag of trash]  Peter, what are you...

  [sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire] 

  Lois Griffin : What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!

  Peter Griffin : Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?

  Joe Swanson : All, right! We're rolling.

  Peter Griffin : Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.

  [to Cleveland and Quagmire] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, go!

  [Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow. Ow. Ow.

  [he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror] 

  Cleveland : Oh, my God!

  Glen Quagmire : Oh, my God! Are you okay?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...

  [feels the bumps] 

  Peter Griffin : Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!

  Joe Swanson : [still filming]  It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!

  Peter Griffin : I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...

  [vomits on Brian] 

  Brian Griffin : Aah! Oh, God!

  Peter Griffin : Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

  Cleveland : Ice now, heat later.

• Stewie Griffin : Hey New Brian, bad news. You gotta leave.

  New Brian : What are you talking about? This is my home.

  Stewie Griffin : Nobody likes you here man.

  New Brian : Well I disagree, I think everyone likes me.

  Stewie Griffin : No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.

  New Brian : Well Rupert seemed to like my humping.

  Stewie Griffin : What did you say?

  New Brian : Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.

  Stewie Griffin : Did he?

  New Brian : Yeah and now every time you sleep with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.

  Stewie Griffin : [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street] 

• Stewie Griffin : [last lines] 

  Stewie Griffin : [He is sitting in the shower washing Rupert, severely traumatized]  We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I-I don't blame you.

• Meg Griffin , Peter Griffin , Chris Griffin , Lois Griffin : [New Brian has fallen asleep]  Aww!

  Peter Griffin : Look at him sleep.

  Meg Griffin : I wonder what he's dreaming about.

  Peter Griffin : Shut up Meg.

  New Brian : [toots quietly] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! Did you hear that?

  Chris Griffin : He farted!

  Peter Griffin : Just like in the song!

  Brian Griffin : [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!

• Peter Griffin : [reading from a note written by Stewie pretending to be New Brian]  "And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage". Wow he must've had some demons.

• Brian Griffin : Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving.

  Lois Griffin : What? Leaving? Brian, why?

  Brian Griffin : Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there and it's time I saw it.

  Peter Griffin : But, Brian, you live here. This is your home.

  Brian Griffin : I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and...

  Peter Griffin : [giggling]  "Long and hard." I'm sorry, Brian, please, please continue.

  Brian Griffin : This is just something I have to do.

  Lois Griffin : Well, where will you go?

  Brian Griffin : Well, I haven't decided that yet, but I promise I'll be in touch.

  [Peter laughs] 

  Brian Griffin : Wait, how is that one dirty?

  Peter Griffin : It's... I was remembering "long and hard."

  Lois Griffin : Well, if your mind is made up about this, Brian, then I wish you the best of luck. I hope this move won't be a boner for you.

  [expecting a reaction from Peter] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter?

  Peter Griffin : Hmm? What?

  Lois Griffin : I was just saying to Brian I hope this move won't be a boner.

  Peter Griffin : I-I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, New Brian.

  [sweetly] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you have a guitar!

  New Brian : Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it.

  Peter Griffin : Where did you find the time for that?

  New Brian : Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.

  [he begins playing] 

  New Brian : I don't like fancy learnin' books/I don't like apple tarts/I don't like cozy breakfast nooks/I don't like modern arts... Well, I like farts.

  Peter Griffin : Ha-ha-ha!

  New Brian : Yes, I like farts/I like long farts, short farts, wet farts, your farts/I like farts, if you've got heart.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I've got heart!

  New Brian : Let's hear those farts.

  Peter Griffin : How do I start?

  New Brian : Well, Peter, I will help you get your fartin' started.

  [together, they blow raspberries in a musical rhythm] 

• Brian Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing here?

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, you gotta come back.

  Stewie Griffin : Why?

  Brian Griffin : Because New Brian is such a tool. I mean, he's-he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect, and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches.

  Brian Griffin : Well, big deal. You always told me I was a douche.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again.

  Puerto Rico Girl : Hi, I'm looking for Glenn?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh! What happened to your leg?

  Glen Quagmire : [as she runs away crying, he runs after her]  Damn it, Brian!

  Stewie Griffin : Come back home, Brian. I tell you what. When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool wHip.

  Brian Griffin : There it is again. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?

  Stewie Griffin : [sighing]  That's exactly why I miss you, Brian.

• Brian Griffin : Thanks for letting me stay here, Glenn. I hope I'm not in the way.

  Glen Quagmire : No, no, it should be fine. Um, but, uh, listen, Brian, I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later. And she's super hot and real nice, but when she was five years old, her dad ran over one of her legs with his van and it's still kind of messed up in a pretty obvious, instantly visible way. Um, please don't say anything. And try to make eye contact with her when she wobbles in, because I want this to work.

  Brian Griffin : Uh, yeah, sure. No problem.

  Glen Quagmire : I'm serious, Brian. That leg is a train wreck. I mean, she herself is so pretty, but that thing just looks like a string of sausages with one empty casing in it.

  Brian Griffin : I get it.

  Glen Quagmire : I mean, it's quite a sight, you know? I mean, when she's not looking, you should take a look at it, but-but good God, be discreet.

• Brian Griffin : Peter, this is not safe at all.

  Peter Griffin : [dressed like the main character from "The Greatest American Hero"]  Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming. Okay, I'm Peter Griffin, and I am the Greatest American Hero. My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.

  [Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe drive his car away with him hanging on with a parasailing rope] 

  Peter Griffin : [singing the show's theme song]  Believe or not, I'm walkin' on air/I never thought I could be so free-ee-ee.

  [letting go and launching into the air] 

  Peter Griffin : Flying away on a wing and a prayer/Who could it be? Could it be? Believe it or not, it's just...

  [he crashes into a tree and falls down into a lake] 

  Glen Quagmire , Cleveland : [laughing]  Oh!

  Joe Swanson : Get some, Peter!

  Glen Quagmire : Nice job on that ramp, Joe.

  Joe Swanson : If there's one thing I know, it's ramps.

  Brian Griffin : Wait a minute, guys. I think he's really hurt.

• New Brian : Hey, Brian, I went out for a run this morning and I found this stick. I thought you might like it.

  Brian Griffin : Wow. Thanks a lot.

  New Brian : [giving him a bag of weed]  And I got you some of this. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you.

  Brian Griffin : Gosh, thanks.

  New Brian : Check you later, handsome guy.

  Brian Griffin : [Stewie comes in as New Brian leaves]  Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I got to tell you, he's a really terrific guy.

  Stewie Griffin : You poor, damn fool.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.

  Stewie Griffin : You're getting old, Brian, and they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. Th-That's what... y-you're Carol Alt.

  Brian Griffin : I'm through listening to you.

  Stewie Griffin : Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.

  Carol Alt's Husband : [cut to an apparently empty bedroom]  Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on the "Family Man"!

  Carol Alt : [sticking an ear trumpet out from under the bedsheets]  What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?

  Carol Alt : What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?

  Carol Alt : What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : I forget.

• Stewie Griffin : [Brian doesn't believe that Peter got New Brian to eventually replace him]  All the evidence is right in front of your nose.

  Peter Griffin : [laughing with New Brian as they come downstairs]  That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.

  New Brian : [lowering the pitch of his voice]  Punky.

  [Peter laughs] 

  New Brian : Oh, Punky!

  [Peter laughs again] 

  New Brian : Oh, Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.

  [Peter laughs again as they leave] 

  Stewie Griffin : [to Brian]  Hi. I'm Carol Alt for Poli-grip.

  Carol Alt's Husband : [cutaway]  They did it again!

  Carol Alt : Who?

  Carol Alt's Husband : The Family Man.

  Carol Alt : Is that the one with the fish?

  Carol Alt's Husband : No, that's "American Boy".

• Lois Griffin : [Peter injures himself imitating "Jackass"]  You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that.

  Brian Griffin : Thank you, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life and he's eight years old, Peter. Eight! That's 56 in human years!

  Brian Griffin : Okay, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter. Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least!

  Brian Griffin : Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired.

  Lois Griffin : Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard and you're in a pillowcase.

• Peter Griffin : Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied by your age.

  Brian Griffin : Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it.

  Peter Griffin : Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce... New Brian.

  New Brian : Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?

  Stewie Griffin : [everybody but Brian laughs]  Oh, I like him.

• Peter Griffin : [waking up to New Brian playing the flute]  My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up!

  New Brian : I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for and I shut it off. I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.

  [he begins again, then stops as Peter touches the top of his head] 

  New Brian : [whispering]  I'll start up again in nine minutes.

• Brian Griffin : You got a new dog?

  Peter Griffin : Yes, sir.

  Brian Griffin : But... I'm the dog.

  Peter Griffin : Well, now that you're getting older, New Brian's here to take some of the load off.

  Chris Griffin : Can he do tricks?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you bet. He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make you feel really good about yourself.

  New Brian : Wow, Meg and Chris! I can't decide which one of your hats I like better!

• Brian Griffin : I can't believe you got a new dog. Wh-what about me?

  Peter Griffin : Hey, you're still my buddy. New Brian is just a new friend for the family. Trust me, you guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.

  [cutaway] 

  Abraham Lincoln : [leaving his house]  Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's getting a little high.

  Dale : Yeah. I used to have a guy for that. Dick.

  Abraham Lincoln : Okay, now, you have a good one.

• Stewie Griffin : Well, I hate to say I told you so, but... wait a minute, I love saying I told you so! Doy! Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin. "Nice to meet you." Charmed, I'm sure. "Great outfit." Oh, go on. "No, it is."

  Brian Griffin : So what if there's a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs.

  Peter Griffin : [coming outside]  Hey, Brian, I thought maybe we could spend the afternoon together.

  Brian Griffin : Really? That'd be great.

  Peter Griffin : Awesome, 'cause, uh, I got this new gun...

  Stewie Griffin : Here we go.

  Peter Griffin : ...and, uh, I thought we could go deep in the woods, uh, where no one would ever think to look...

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, boy.

  Peter Griffin : ...and, uh, just shoot it.

  Stewie Griffin : Awkward.

  Peter Griffin : You know, like, so far in that no one can hear gunfire.

  Stewie Griffin : A little on the nose.

  Peter Griffin : Or screaming.

  Brian Griffin : Uh... I don't think so, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Jeez, it's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him.

• Brian Griffin : [refusing Stewie's request to come home]  I'm not going back as long as that new dog is there. As long as he's a part of that family, there's no place for me.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, I can't say I blame you. I hate him as much as you do, Brian. He's a bad fit, like a crocodile at an alligator rally.

  [cut to a school gymnasium, where a group of alligators is meeting] 

  Alligator Rally Leader : Yeah! Lurking in the water with our eyes poking out!

  [cheers] 

  Alligator Rally Leader : Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it!

  [more cheers] 

  Crocodile : And sometimes walking out onto a dry plane or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then!

  [the alligators start to cheer, which then turns to confusion] 

  Alligator Rally Leader : Wait, what? Huh?

  Crocodile : Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp?

  Alligator : What a crock!

  Man on Chair : [pull out to him watching on TV]  And that's where we get the term.

• Stewie Griffin : Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool wHip. Everything's better with Cool wHip. Did you hear what I said?

  New Brian : Yeah. What about it?

  Stewie Griffin : It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? Cool wHip?

  New Brian : No. Why would it?

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."

  New Brian : Sounds right to me.

  Stewie Griffin : Nothing ever bothers you, does it?

  New Brian : No, not really. I like everything.

  Stewie Griffin : God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.

  Buzz Killington : [pan over to him]  Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his trans-Atlantic crossings?

  Stewie Griffin : No.

  Buzz Killington : Because he was quartered on the port side.

  [chuckling at his joke] 

  Buzz Killington : Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the Doyle Carte Opera Company.

  Stewie Griffin : [disdainfully pinching the bridge of his nose]  Ahh!

• Brian Griffin : Okay, everybody, tonight I've got a real treat for you.

  Peter Griffin : We've all seen your compilation video, Brian; Shatner singing "Rocket Man", drunk Orson Welles doing that commercial, Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.

  Lois Griffin : Wait, I don't remember that last one.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, it's freakin' brutal. For no reason, you know? Poor little guy's just sittin' there eating his Snack Pak, Bill Cosby just runs in out of nowhere and just starts wailing on him.

• Glen Quagmire : [Pointing to his crotch]  I just put honey here! And I am waiting on the bees. Release them! Oh... okay now... I will go put 'em back... we cannot make them mad!

  Peter Griffin : Yeah we don't want the bees to get mad... I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES...