The Cleveland Show (TV Series)

The One About Friends (2009)

Mike Henry: Cleveland Brown, Rallo Tubbs

Quotes 

• Cleveland Brown : Well, you know, Ernie, the fun doesn't have to end. Why don't we have a good, old-fashioned sleepover?

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : Yeah.

  Ernie Krinklesac : Really?

  Cleveland Brown : Sure. Mi casa es su casa.

  Ernie Krinklesac : Wow. Your dad knows janitor language.

• Cleveland Brown : Aah! I sat on my nuts.

• Rallo Tubbs : Oh, perfect, just what we need. Another dude. Would it kill somebody to bring home a hot Puerto Rican chick who's into black midgets?

• Cleveland Brown : [to Ernie]  Well, let's go home. I'll get out of these pants and you can play with Cleveland Jr. I shouldn't talk to boys.

• Cleveland Brown : Lester, please. Remember what Kenny Rogers said before he went into the chicken business and then made himself look like an old woman: "You don't have to fight to be a man."

• Cleveland Brown : [to Cleveland Jr]  What are you doing, son?

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : Counting to a million.

  Cleveland Brown : Why are you doing that?

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : Why does anybody do anything?

  Cleveland Brown : Did you eat the brownies in the back of the freezer?

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : No.

  Cleveland Brown : Good. Don't. Because they're your dad's for when he goes to concerts.

• Cleveland Brown : [When Cleveland approaches a young man at a bus stop to find a friend for Cleveland Jr]  Hey, sport. I got a proposition for you.

  Young Man : Yeah?

  Cleveland Brown : My name's Cleveland. How'd you like to play with Cleveland Jr?

  Young Man : What?

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, you'll love him. He's a little chubby, but he's always up for a good time. A lot of other kids have jerked him around, but I can tell you're the kind of guy who would treat him right. Don't get me wrong. He's a handful, but a nice handful. Look, I'll be honest with you. I'm tired of playing with him. You wanna see him? Come over by the car and I'll let you have a look. Come on. What do you say? I'll give you 30 bucks right now if you'll play with him in the car.

  Young Man : [speaks into his shirt collar]  Boomerang.

  [Police cars arrive at the scene] 

• Cleveland Brown Jr. : Thanks for trying to help me, Dad. Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow.

  Cleveland Brown : Yes, we will. And if not then, then the next day. And if not then, then the next day. And if not then, we'll give up because that will have been four days and that's enough.

• Cleveland Brown Jr. : I tell you, Ernie, it's nice having you here.

  Roberta Tubbs : Looks like I'm not the only one around here with a white boyfriend.

  Rallo Tubbs : Oh-ho-ho-ho! She's trying to call you homosexuals, Cleveland Jr. and Ernie. That's funny. I'm gonna use that. I'm gonna use it right now. Y'all are homosexuals!

• Cleveland Brown : So, Lester. Have you given any further thought to when you might want Ernie to return home?

  Lester Krinkelsac : He can make his own decisions.

  Cleveland Brown : Lester, he's 14.

• Cleveland Brown : Ernie, this nice man is gonna sit down with you and your dad to have a talk.

  Ernie Krinklesac : Okay.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : But we were gonna play mine-shaft disaster in the crawl space. I was gonna be the greedy mine owner who turned a blind eye to numerous safety violations.

  Cleveland Brown : A: you can play later. And B: you know you can't fit in that crawl space.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : I don't have to fit in there, Daddy. I'm the owner of the mine. I don't have to do the dirty work. Plus, I already told you, I knew it was dangerous in there...

  Cleveland Brown : [interrupts him]  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can play later.

• Cleveland Brown : I broke up a family and sent away the only friend Cleveland Jr. had.

  Donna Tubbs : I know. I mean, Lester's not perfect, but he is Ernie's father, Cleveland.

  Cleveland Brown : Whoa! Listen to you. "He's Ernie's father." Yesterday, you were all: "Call Child Services. Call Child Services. They'll have a conversation. Oh, maybe they'll hug it out. Oh, that'll be great."

  Donna Tubbs : Oh, that's only because you were all, "My kid is Ionely. He's a loser. Blah, blah, blah. I gotta get him a friend. Oh, I sat on my nuts."

  Cleveland Brown : Uh-huh. And you're all, "Oh, Cleveland, even though we have our differences I should probably pleasure you right here in the kitchen. Any way you want. Whatever makes you feel good the fastest so you can get out there and reunite that family."

  Donna Tubbs : And then you're like, "No, that's okay. I'll just go in the bathroom and take care of myself real quick and then get out there and bring Ernie home."

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, man. Why did I have to say that?

• Tim the Bear : You know, Lester, I like having a son just to do the chores around the house that I don't want to do. Not to mention the tax break you get for having a child.

  Lester Krinkelsac : Taxes? I don't pay no damn taxes. Screw the government.

  Cleveland Brown : Well, the government is who took your child away. See, Lester, this isn't about Ernie. This is about the government disrespecting you as a man. You have to stand up to the government, Lester. Show them who's boss.

  Lester Krinkelsac : I'm getting my son back.

• Lester Krinkelsac : [to Cleveland]  You know what? You're all right. I take back all the racist stuff I said about you.

  Cleveland Brown : What racist stuff?

  Lester Krinkelsac : Oh, yeah. You weren't there.