- Stan Smith: So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in?
- Shannon Sharpe: Oh they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog.
- Snot Lonstein: Steve, what the hell are you wearing?
- Steve Smith: Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse!
- Snot Lonstein: Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them.
- Steve Smith: Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off.
- Snot Lonstein: That's not what I asked.
- Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
- Francine Smith: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.
- Shannon Sharpe: [to Steve and his friends] Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien?
- Steve Smith: No, we're looking for panties.
- Shannon Sharpe: Oh, we're all looking for stuff.
- Stan Smith: [to Roger] So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter?
- Roger the Alien: Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex and then she cut off my face.
- Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
- Stan Smith: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
- Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.
- Stan Smith: [thinking] All right, Stan, don't make a scene. Just say something witty and exit on the laugh.
- [yells]
- Stan Smith: So jealous!
- [smacks his head on the table and falls]
- Steve Smith: Wh... wh... who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?
- Stan Smith: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
- Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.
- Snot Lonstein: [after Hayley beats up Snot for taking her panties] That was amazing. Those are the luckiest panties in the world.