The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Rhinitis Revelation (2011)

Laurie Metcalf: Mary Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.

  Mary Cooper : Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.

  Sheldon Cooper : Told you.

  Mary Cooper : Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

• [first lines] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?

  Mary Cooper : It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.

  Mary Cooper : You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.

  Leonard Hofstadter : What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.

  Mary Cooper : Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

  Sheldon Cooper : Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

  Mary Cooper : For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!

  Sheldon Cooper : The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.

• Mary Cooper : [On going to Rodeo drive]  Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

• Leonard Hofstadter : So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?

  Mary Cooper : It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.

• Mary Cooper : You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket?

  Penny : Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".

• Mary Cooper : I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.

  Sheldon Cooper : There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

• Mary Cooper : Back home, there's a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, taaaaall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she'd never find a man, but one day, wouldn't you know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed race babies.

• Mary Cooper : Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [to Sheldon]  Please pester her, please, for me.

• Mary Cooper : [On visiting the wax museum]  I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

• Mary Cooper : Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?

  Sheldon Cooper : I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.

  Sheldon Cooper : Get them before they get us.

• Penny : Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.

  Mary Cooper : You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.

• Mary Cooper : I bet your mom is really proud of you.

  Howard Wolowitz : Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...

• Mary Cooper : So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?

  Raj Koothrappali : [smiling]  Nothing, I'm fine!

  Mary Cooper : Are you?

  Raj Koothrappali : [starts crying]  No!

• Mary Cooper : [about Sheldon and Amy]  You have any idea what's going on with those two?

  Leonard Hofstadter : It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.

• Howard Wolowitz : So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.

  Mary Cooper : Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.

  Howard Wolowitz : Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.

• Sheldon Cooper : Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.

  Mary Cooper : Apology accepted.

  Sheldon Cooper : Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.

  Mary Cooper : I am still going out with your friends.

  Sheldon Cooper : But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!

• Mary Cooper : I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.

  Leonard Hofstadter : We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.

  Mary Cooper : Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

• Mary Cooper : Lord, Mary Cooper here coming to you from "Gomorrah", California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. Alright, Penny, your turn.

  Penny : Okay, um, hey God, what's up? Um, I'm good, but it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.

  Mary Cooper : She also goes a little overboard on the 'Love thy Neighbor'. You could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you're up. Wasserman, you're on deck.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, I don't know, it's probably a little late to ask you to make me taller.

• Sheldon Cooper : I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.

  Mary Cooper : And whose fault was that?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yours.

• [last lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?

  Mary Cooper : No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.

  [sings] 

  Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [sticks his head in the door]  Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...

  Sheldon Cooper : [snaps]  Get out!

  [Offended and hurt, Leonard leaves] 

  Mary Cooper : [Shocked and angry]  Well, that was rude.

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.

  Mary Cooper : [sings]  Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...

  Sheldon Cooper : What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.

  Mary Cooper : [looking upwards]  This is what I'm talking about.

  [sings] 

  Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

• Penny : Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?

  Mary Cooper : Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.

  Sheldon Cooper : [to himself]  That will not be in this week's email blast.

• Mary Cooper : You can't force things. Figure out if you're in a relationship or if you're just calling it one. Like they say: "A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."

• Sheldon Cooper : I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.

  Mary Cooper : I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.

  Sheldon Cooper : What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

• Mary Cooper : The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.

• Mary Cooper : [At a church]  Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.

  Mary Cooper : My goodness, it's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.