The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Hawking Excitation (2012)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Howard Wolowitz : All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon Cooper : Okay.
Howard Wolowitz : Give me a compliment.
Sheldon Cooper : Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard Wolowitz : No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon Cooper : You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard Wolowitz : Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon Cooper : Ah, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
[pause]
Leonard Hofstadter : It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me, I'd take it and run.
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[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper : Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking : I know.
Sheldon Cooper : I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking : My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon Cooper : I know.
Stephen Hawking : Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon Cooper : Thank you. It just... came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen Hawking : That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon Cooper : What do you mean, wrong?
Stephen Hawking : You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite a boner.
Sheldon Cooper : [frantically flipping through his paper] No, no... th-th-th-that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen Hawking : Are you saying I do?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, no! No, no, of course not. It's just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo. And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[faints]
Stephen Hawking : Great. Another fainter.
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Penny : Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon Cooper : Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny : Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon Cooper : That's close enough.
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Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon Cooper : Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard Wolowitz : Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon Cooper : Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard Wolowitz : Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!
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Sheldon Cooper : Howard, please! I'm begging you!
Leonard Hofstadter : Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj Koothrappali : Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.
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Sheldon Cooper : [wearing a French maid costume] What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
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Raj Koothrappali : Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard Wolowitz : I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj Koothrappali : It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz : It's no big deal.
Leonard Hofstadter : Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard Hofstadter : Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard Hofstadter : Really?
Raj Koothrappali : That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, okay, let me see this.
[Starts writing]
Sheldon Cooper : Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper : Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon Cooper : Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj Koothrappali : You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard Wolowitz : Yep.
Leonard Hofstadter : Still going to introduce him?
Howard Wolowitz : Not on your life!
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Sheldon Cooper : Alright! What would you like me to do first?
Howard Wolowitz : I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon Cooper : Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard Wolowitz : That's nice.
[Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]
Sheldon Cooper : That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard Wolowitz : Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
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Howard Wolowitz : I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon Cooper : Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
Howard Wolowitz : But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon Cooper : What kinds of things?
Howard Wolowitz : Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon Cooper : Of course.
Howard Wolowitz : You should be so lucky.
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Mrs. Wolowitz : Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon Cooper : What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs. Wolowitz : It's this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.
Sheldon Cooper : What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Wolowitz : We're gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing!
Sheldon Cooper : I'm not sure how to do this.
Mrs. Wolowitz : It's easy. Just pretend you're puttin' away a sleeping bag.
Sheldon Cooper : Sleeping bags don't usually sweat this much, but okay.
Mrs. Wolowitz : Now zip me up.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you might turn into a diamond.
Mrs. Wolowitz : You're right. Who am I kidding? You shoulda seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all?
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Sheldon Cooper : Howard, please. This is Steven Hawking! Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
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Sheldon Cooper : You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
Penny : Well...
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, I'm sorry. Condescending means...
Penny : I know what it means!
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Sheldon Cooper : Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was 6 years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard Wolowitz : You're kidding.
Sheldon Cooper : No sir. I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat.
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Howard Wolowitz : Maybe a different language would help. Russion: nyet, Chinese: bu, Japanese: iie, Klingon: qo', binary coded ascii: 0110111001100111.
Sheldon Cooper : It's actually 0110111...
Howard Wolowitz : No!
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Sheldon Cooper : Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine, you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there's another human being.
Howard Wolowitz : Hang on, are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh okay, I see you're gonna take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.