- Howard Wolowitz: All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
- Howard Wolowitz: Give me a compliment.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
- Howard Wolowitz: No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're obviously good at what you do.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
- Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
- [pause]
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me, I'd take it and run.
- [last lines]
- Sheldon Cooper: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
- Stephen Hawking: I know.
- Sheldon Cooper: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
- Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know.
- Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
- Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. It just... came to me one morning in the shower.
- Stephen Hawking: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
- Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean, wrong?
- Stephen Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite a boner.
- Sheldon Cooper: [frantically flipping through his paper] No, no... th-th-th-that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
- Stephen Hawking: Are you saying I do?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no! No, no, of course not. It's just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo. And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
- [faints]
- Stephen Hawking: Great. Another fainter.
- Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
- Sheldon Cooper: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
- Penny: Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's close enough.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
- Sheldon Cooper: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
- Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have heaven.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
- Howard Wolowitz: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard, please! I'm begging you!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
- Raj Koothrappali: Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.
- Sheldon Cooper: [wearing a French maid costume] What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
- Howard Wolowitz: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
- Raj Koothrappali: It's really nice of you, Howard.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's no big deal.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
- Raj Koothrappali: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, okay, let me see this.
- [Starts writing]
- Sheldon Cooper: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
- [pauses]
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
- Raj Koothrappali: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yep.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Still going to introduce him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Not on your life!
- Sheldon Cooper: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
- Howard Wolowitz: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
- Howard Wolowitz: That's nice.
- [Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]
- Sheldon Cooper: That's a lot of belt buckles.
- Howard Wolowitz: Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
- Raj Koothrappali: I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
- Howard Wolowitz: Believe me, I know.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
- Sheldon Cooper: Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
- Howard Wolowitz: But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
- Sheldon Cooper: What kinds of things?
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
- Howard Wolowitz: You should be so lucky.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Sheldon! I need your help!
- Sheldon Cooper: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
- Mrs. Wolowitz: It's this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.
- Sheldon Cooper: What do you want me to do?
- Mrs. Wolowitz: We're gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing!
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not sure how to do this.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: It's easy. Just pretend you're puttin' away a sleeping bag.
- Sheldon Cooper: Sleeping bags don't usually sweat this much, but okay.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Now zip me up.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you might turn into a diamond.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: You're right. Who am I kidding? You shoulda seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all?
- Sheldon Cooper: You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
- Penny: Well...
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry. Condescending means...
- Penny: I know what it means!
- Leonard Hofstadter: A word of caution: I would not do your Steven Hawking impression in front of him.
- Howard Wolowitz: [wiggling his lips to sound like Hawking] You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are you doing that? You're being mean to him.
- Howard Wolowitz: He's mean to me all the time. You've heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: If you don't wanna get teased about that, then get a doctorate. I have one, they're great.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was 6 years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding.
- Sheldon Cooper: No sir. I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat.
- Howard Wolowitz: Maybe a different language would help. Russion: nyet, Chinese: bu, Japanese: iie, Klingon: qo', binary coded ascii: 0110111001100111.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's actually 0110111...
- Howard Wolowitz: No!
- Sheldon Cooper: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine, you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there's another human being.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh okay, I see you're gonna take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.