Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Give Santa a Tail-Hole (2012)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [speaking with Jake over a Skype connection]  Hey, Buddy, you excited about Christmas?

  Jake Harper : Yeah, that's actually why I was callin' - I'm not gonna be able to make it home this year.

  Alan Harper : What? Why?

  Jake Harper : My girlfriend, Tammy Sue, asked me to spend Christmas with her and her three kids. I'm pretending to be Santa, and also their various fathers.

  Alan Harper : [aside]  Oh, kill me!

  Alan Harper : [to Jake]  H - H - How did you meet this woman?

  Jake Harper : I play softball with her parole officer.

  Alan Harper : [aside]  Oh, dig me up and kill me again!

  Alan Harper : [to Jake]  A'right, well, I hope I see you soon.

  Jake Harper : Don't worry. We'll all come visit as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.

  Alan Harper : That will be a magical day.

  Jake Harper : Yeah. All right, Merry Christmas, Dad. 'Bye.

  Alan Harper : Merry Christmas, Jake.

  Alan Harper : [Jake signs off and Alan sighs deeply]  Time now for the magic of bourbon.