The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Egg Salad Equivalency (2013)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

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Quotes 

• Janine Davis : Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you you can't say it.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You're a slave.

  Janine Davis : I'm a what?

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, y-you, I-I'm just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...

  Janine Davis : Whuh-ah! Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I'm gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

• Alex Jensen : What did I do?

  Sheldon Cooper : You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

  Alex Jensen : What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

  Alex Jensen : What?

  Sheldon Cooper : Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

  Alex Jensen : This conversation is making me uncomfortable.

  Sheldon Cooper : You and me both, sister.

• Sheldon Cooper : The next time you fall prey to your reproductive urges, please feel free to leaf through this book of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, check out this oozy doozy.

  Alex Jensen : I'm afraid I have to go.

  Sheldon Cooper : So does this guy, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.

• Janine Davis : That's it. All of you, in my office, now!

  Sheldon Cooper : Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.

• [first lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.

• Sheldon Cooper : Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.

  Janine Davis : And who would that be?

  Sheldon Cooper : You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.

• Sheldon Cooper : I needed advice about a woman, and I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything it's that you can't tell a uterus from a unicycle.

• Bernadette Rostenkowski : If she's doing something that's making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh no, he's not uncomfortable at all. No, he's loving it. He's struttin' around like he's 5 foot 6.

• Sheldon Cooper : The university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn't happen in the future.

  Alex Jensen : Okay.

  Sheldon Cooper : Now unfortunately, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this. So, I'm gonna need you to take it for me.

• Sheldon Cooper : Howard Wolowitz, he spent 2 years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot.

• Sheldon Cooper : You remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that like most things I say, it's probably pure gold. So I started recording it all and now Alex gets to comb through 8 hours of what I like to call "Sheldon After Dark".