- Steve Smith: Aw, what am I gonna to do?
- Francine Smith: Well, you have two options: You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
- Steve Smith: You think?
- Francine Smith: Yeah. Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.
- Spelling Bee Judge: [to Steve] Your word was dog and you spelled the entire Arrested Development song "Mr. Wendal."
- Greg Corbin: [after Greg and Terry tell Francine about them preparing Libby for college] You gotta start early if your child is going to be exceptional. It's the only way to get into the Ivies, but don't worry, Francine. Hayley turned out fine.
- [he and Terry snicker]
- Francine Smith: You guys are both bitches!
- Stan Smith: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
- Hayley Smith: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
- Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
- [to Stan]
- Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.
- Hiko Yoshida: [to Toshi] I've got half the Yakuza looking for your sister. In the meantime, take the bloodhounds and search the city.
- Toshi Yoshida: [English translation] Shouldn't we call the police?
- Hiko Yoshida: What? Why do you only speak Japanese? I don't even speak Japanese.
- Francine Smith: Oh, come on, Hiko. Let 'em have some fun. College is years away.
- Hiko Yoshida: That attitude is why my children will attend Harvard while Steve will be lucky to be wait-listed at an online, offshore college.
- Francine Smith: Oh, you whore.
- Francine Smith: [to Hiko] My son's gonna win the National Spelling Bee.
- Hiko Yoshida: Ha! That's impossible because Akiko is going to win. She's already won at her private school in Maryland and if Steve does make it to Nationals, Akiko will be there to crush him.
- Francine Smith: No, Steve is gonna be the one who destroys Akiko. Your skin is amazing. I can't tell how old you are.
- Principal Lewis: Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Langley where we lay our scene. Shakespeare, bitches!
- Stan Smith: Hayley, I need you to understand Jeff's not coming back.
- Roger the Alien: Never.
- Stan Smith: He's trapped in a cage thousands of light-years away.
- Roger the Alien: So far.
- Stan Smith: It's hopeless. We'll never know what happened to him.
- Roger the Alien: Space rape.
- Hayley Smith: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
- Stan Smith: Great!
- Hayley Smith: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
- [takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
- Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
- Stan Smith: Roger, I think you're in denial.
- Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
- [angrily]
- Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
- [nervously]
- Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
- [about to cry]
- Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
- [sighs and calms down]
- Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
- Stan Smith: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
- Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
- [kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
- Stan Smith: Was that the sixth stage?
- Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.
- Akiko Yoshida: [after Francine kidnaps Akiko and traps her in the basement] Let me out of here!
- Francine Smith: I'll let you out when Steve's a national champion. Here's a Nintendo to keep you busy.
- Akiko Yoshida: My mother says video games are bad for you.
- Francine Smith: Yeah, well, so is smoking an eight ball of crack in 30 minutes, but that's how long it takes.
- Akiko Yoshida: [to Steve] It's not what you think. Your mother...
- Steve Smith: Your mother!
- Akiko Yoshida: Steve, let me explain...
- Steve Smith: Your mother! I don't want to hear your lame excuses! I don't want to look at your stupid face!
- Akiko Yoshida: Fine. Forget it, jerk. I'm taking you down.
- Steve Smith: I'm already down. You don't give me comfortability problems anymore.