Family Guy (TV Series)

Regarding Carter (2018)

Seth Green: Chris Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• TV announcer : We now return to The Orville, on FOX.

  [Peter fires the gun at the TV four times] 

  Chris Griffin : Why do you hate that show so much?

  Peter Griffin : [with a completely different voice]  Because it's preventing me from doing my work here at Family Guy.

• Peter Griffin : All right, guys. Now, the way I see it, Carter's only giving away his money 'cause he's nice now. So to get our inheritance, we have to figure out a way to make him mean again.

  Chris Griffin : I don't know, dad. He seems pretty happy.

  Peter Griffin : Anyone can get mad, Chris. Even Shaquille O'Neal.

  Shaquielle O'Neal : [cut to Shaquille O'Neal ordering receiving a plate full of pancakes]  Excuse me. My flapjacks was supposed to have a Superman "S" on them.

  Waitress : Are you... mad? I can't tell if you're mad.

  Shaquielle O'Neal : Very mad. This is unacceptable. What's the point of having millions of dollars if everything can't be Superman?

  Waitress : Okay. Well, we'll fix it right away. Is there anything else I can get you?

  Shaquielle O'Neal : Yes. A big ambulance. I'm stuck in this booth.

  Peter Griffin : So. Ideas. How do we make Carter mean again?

  Meg Griffin : Why don't we hire a prostitute to bring him almost to completion?

  Peter Griffin : Okay, don't love that my daughter came out of the gates with that.

  Stewie Griffin : Why don't we just mix up all the colors of his Play-Doh?

  [accusingly] 

  Stewie Griffin : Chris.

  Peter Griffin : Well, you know what gets Gargamel all riled up is those pesky Smurfs. Maybe there's something there.

  Meg Griffin : Oooh! I know, I know! Why don't we hire a transvestite to pick him up at a bar, then take off her wig at the exact moment of completion?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah Meg, take it down a notch.

  Chris Griffin : I know what'll make him mad. Let's get him a book for Christmas.

  Peter Griffin : Didn't I get you all books for Christmas?

  Chris Griffin : Yeah. And now I've got something for you to read, genius. It's called *the room*.

  [he and Stewie fistbump each other] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, wait, I got something. How do we summon Zuul? I bet Zuul could help.

  Meg Griffin : Why don't we take him to a truck stop bathroom, and then after completion, we...

  Peter Griffin : Okay, Meg, are you trying to get a rise out of me? 'Cause guess what, young lady? It worked.

  Meg Griffin : Well, at least I'm saying real ideas and not just repeating things I've seen in children's programming.

  Chris Griffin : Yeah dad, I kind of agree with Meg. It seems like you're going for comedy over substance.

  Peter Griffin : I see. Well, then. I have one last idea how to make Carter mean.

  [voice breaks] 

  Peter Griffin : Turn him into one of my kids!

  [he runs up the stairs crying] 

• Lois Griffin : Yeah, My father gave me a gun as a present yesterday.

  Peter Griffin : Where was that during morning birthday sex?

  [Crossing his arms] 

  Peter Griffin : Maybe I would have finished!

  Lois Griffin : Unlike you, guns can actually fire.

  Chris Griffin : [Solemnly, after a beat]  I don't think this marriage needs a gun.