Family Guy (TV Series)
Regarding Carter (2018)
Aries Spears: Shaquille O'Neal
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : All right, guys. Now, the way I see it, Carter's only giving away his money 'cause he's nice now. So to get our inheritance, we have to figure out a way to make him mean again.
Chris Griffin : I don't know, dad. He seems pretty happy.
Peter Griffin : Anyone can get mad, Chris. Even Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaquielle O'Neal : [cut to Shaquille O'Neal ordering receiving a plate full of pancakes] Excuse me. My flapjacks was supposed to have a Superman "S" on them.
Waitress : Are you... mad? I can't tell if you're mad.
Shaquielle O'Neal : Very mad. This is unacceptable. What's the point of having millions of dollars if everything can't be Superman?
Waitress : Okay. Well, we'll fix it right away. Is there anything else I can get you?
Shaquielle O'Neal : Yes. A big ambulance. I'm stuck in this booth.
Peter Griffin : So. Ideas. How do we make Carter mean again?
Meg Griffin : Why don't we hire a prostitute to bring him almost to completion?
Peter Griffin : Okay, don't love that my daughter came out of the gates with that.
Stewie Griffin : Why don't we just mix up all the colors of his Play-Doh?
[accusingly]
Stewie Griffin : Chris.
Peter Griffin : Well, you know what gets Gargamel all riled up is those pesky Smurfs. Maybe there's something there.
Meg Griffin : Oooh! I know, I know! Why don't we hire a transvestite to pick him up at a bar, then take off her wig at the exact moment of completion?
Peter Griffin : Yeah Meg, take it down a notch.
Chris Griffin : I know what'll make him mad. Let's get him a book for Christmas.
Peter Griffin : Didn't I get you all books for Christmas?
Chris Griffin : Yeah. And now I've got something for you to read, genius. It's called *the room*.
[he and Stewie fistbump each other]
Peter Griffin : Hey, wait, I got something. How do we summon Zuul? I bet Zuul could help.
Meg Griffin : Why don't we take him to a truck stop bathroom, and then after completion, we...
Peter Griffin : Okay, Meg, are you trying to get a rise out of me? 'Cause guess what, young lady? It worked.
Meg Griffin : Well, at least I'm saying real ideas and not just repeating things I've seen in children's programming.
Chris Griffin : Yeah dad, I kind of agree with Meg. It seems like you're going for comedy over substance.
Peter Griffin : I see. Well, then. I have one last idea how to make Carter mean.
[voice breaks]
Peter Griffin : Turn him into one of my kids!
[he runs up the stairs crying]