Reviews

Robert Rodriguez needs to realize that chocolate cake doesn't necessarily need chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate brownies, chocolate bars, chocolate sprinkles, and a chocolate bunny to top it off. He needs to re-visit Desperado to re-discover that absurd elements work best when they're unexpected. If you just plop absurdity on top of absurdity on top of absurdity, it becomes a numbing bore, which is exactly what the steaming pile known as Planet Terror is. I realize that it's supposed to be over-the-top and campy, but he could've accomplished that with far less -- the same mistake he made on his terrible Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

It's obvious that all of the good reviews posted for this movie so far are from insiders who were either involved with the film or who know somebody who knows somebody and have thus seen multiple cuts. Well, I don't know anyone involved, and I've seen the final cut, and it is pure garbage. The only thing it has going for it is ambition and multiple cameos from horror legends (none on screen for terribly long). It's as if the filmmakers made this movie on a weekend during a horror convention and got actors like Tony Todd, Tom Savini, David Hess and Michael Berryman to film scenes during their coffee breaks. This is an ultra-cheap, shot-on-video wannabe X-Files with terrible acting from a cast of non-actors with more mullets than is acceptable in the 21st century. There is little or no action; it's all overly explanatory dialogue that attempts to explain a pointlessly convoluted plot. Ther computer FX are a joke, but there aren't enough of them nor enough action to make this film enjoyable in a MST3K way. After about 8 straight scenes of nothing but talking, you'll find yourself reaching for the fast-forward button...and not letting go. Absolutely worthless.

I'm surprised the rating for this movie is so low. I'd guess that people who hated it are in one of two camps (maybe both): A) people who hated Blair Witch because they got nauseous/confused with all of the shaky camera effects, or B) people who haven't seen many low-budget, direct-to-video horror films, because really if you've seen enough of these movies, you know that The Cavern is WAY, WAY ahead of the game. The acting, writing, makeup, and production value are all solid, which is more than can be said about 90% of DTV horror. Sure, there are budgetary constraints, but the filmmakers do an excellent job of using the space and resources they have; they make it look as if they are indeed in an immense system of caves when it's really just papier mache. Some might find the direction/lighting annoying, but it serves to heighten the claustrophobia and kinetic energy of the film by giving us a more first-person viewpoint -- plus, it obscures the action/monster just enough to enhance the sense of mystery and frankly to obscure any budgetary limitations (something to which other low-budget films should pay heed). The only genuine complaint is that it seems like they ran out of money and had to shut down with 10 minutes left to go, so the ending is pretty abrupt -- disturbingly so -- but better to leave you wanting for more than to not give enough.

The movies that the Sci Fi Channel premieres on Saturday nights are a decidedly mixed bag -- "mixed" meaning "bad, but watchable enough because it's free on TV". That said, Abominable is probably the best one yet and one of the few that I wouldn't have minded paying for as a rental or even in a theater (well, matinée price). Basically, it's a monster movie spliced with Rear Window, with an "abominable" man-beast as the menacing killer -- a simple story wonderfully executed with quick pacing, a strong cast of character actors, and gloriously gruesome effects. You'll appreciate it all the more next week when Boa vs. Python vs. Komodo vs. Gerbil comes on.

If you're looking for wall-to-wall action, look elsewhere. If you're looking for talky police melodrama, you've hit a goldmine! Seriously, Donnie Yen can do no wrong in my book, but he doesn't get to bust any moves until the last 20 minutes of the movie. In fact, NO ONE busts any moves until the last 20 minutes or so. There are really only two major fights to be found (and two minor ones that last no more than a minute), so we're left with a lot of male bonding. And not the good kind either. Do we really wanna see Donnie Yen and Sammo Hung emote? No, we wanna see 'em snap some necks! Alas, neck-snapping is few and far between here. There are a couple of scenes that are tailor-made to break out into fights, but it's like they go out of their way NOT to throw down. Thanks for the nap, people.

I thought the presence of a known actor like Eddie Furlong might mean that this movie has a certain level of budget, if not quality. Neither is the case. This is a cheap movie with cheap "effects" that are eye-rolling at best, laughable at worst -- the "ghosts" are guys dressed in skeleton costumes, a la Karate Kid (Plus, I'm getting sick of digital blood in horror movies.). The dialog is a ridiculous heaping of clichéd yelling ("We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other like this!" and that sort of crap). The actors are no better -- just a bunch of overacting, and Furlong is not immune. He's seen better days. His hunched over, paunchy stoner body, and baggy eyes make him look increasingly like Peter Lorre. The only entertaining part of this film is watching Cernia Vincent running around in a cut-off t-shirt sans bra and with thong-cut jeans. Too bad the director is so incompetent; the cuts are jerky and disjointed, and he even has Vincent do some sort of Matrix-like fall-back maneuver to dodge a projectile, all with a straight face. The director tries to throw in some cheap "boo!" scares, but nothing -- nothing -- in this movie is remotely frightening, except for the fact that it was even made.

For years, I've bemoaned the switch from film to digital video for low-budget horror movies, but I'd rather watch anything shot on video than watching the waste of film that is Dead Life. Don't be fooled when I say this movie is shot on film. It seriously looks like it was shot on a 1950s 8mm camera. It's perpetually grainy, dark, fuzzy, and shaky, and not in an artsy way. My $200 video camera looks infinitely better than this. The video quality is appropriate, however, as it's matched in wretchedness by every other facet of this stink-fest. The sound is murky and undecipherable, the acting is strictly amateur hour, the characters are paper-thin with no distinction or purpose, the story is non-existent, the dialog is a completely worthless bore, there's nothing remotely scary, and the special effects (including a couple of computer effects that look like they were made on a Commodore 64) are laughable. Or, at least, I wish they were laughable. That would've at least made for some sort of enjoyment instead of the utter torture of this (high school) student film. It's movies like this -- cheap and devoid of any real effort to uphold the horror legacy, but which get cherry spots on Blockbuster shelves because they're packaged with slick cover art -- that give horror movies in general (and zombie movies in particular) a bad name, and that make horror fans so wary. Disgraceful!

Although Casper van Dien and Michael Rooker are generally relegated to B movies, even they are above this movie. It fails to convey even the slightest sense of excitement, fear, or dread -- unless you count the dread of sitting through the rest of this garbage. The direction is amateurish with annoying cuts and jerky movement that hides the fact that the killer is no where near the victims when he attacks. And what a killer he is: a cheap skull mask and a black hood. I liked him better when he was fighting He-Man. This is one of the laziest jobs of character design I've ever seen. I mean, it's Skeletor! And he's on a horse! This is supposed to be some scary, supernatural creature? How are we supposed to take this seriously? All we get is scenes of this dude riding around the woods on his horse -- which he can barely stay on -- interspersed with scenes of soldiers shooting randomly into the woods, thinking they can shoot a ghost. Occasionally, Skeletor will shoot someone with an arrow or ride by and stab someone, revealing how corny the effects really are. I generally enjoy Sci Fi channel fare on a basic cheese level, but this film is too inept for any level of enjoyment. Where's Dolph Lundgren when you need him???

This "film" officially supplants House of the Dead as the worst horror movie of all time. Sure, there has been some low-budget, straight-to-video junk, but I cut them some slack due to budgetary constraints. RE2 obviously has no shortage of money, so it has no excuse for being such a piece of garbage.

Those who think Paul Anderson is such a hack director should realize how competent he is comparing the first RE to this hatchet job by first-time director Alexander Witt. He has no clue how to direct action, as everything is done with quick cuts and shaky camera work, as if he doesn't want us to see how bad the action is (he succeeds). He also obviously is no zombie fan, as he takes the soul out of the movie by minimizing the zombie content in favor of guns, kung fu, and every other bad Hollywood action movie cliché out there. What zombie footage there is is nullified by bad camera work and an ultra-annoying slow motion/strobing effect that obscures the zombies. Plus, there isn't even a lot of gore. The general story idea is OK, but it takes some stupid turns, and the dialogue sounds like it was written by a 8 year old. People who make movies based on video games need to realize that the two genres are different; movies require more substance than games. I've haven't played the RE games much, so I don't know how much is included in this movie, but you don't have to throw in every over-the-top element from the game. I don't care about zombie dogs (I overlooked it in the first movie) or all of the characters, who are in fact ridiculous caricatures (what's with the Lara Croft chick?). And who wants to see a zombie with a rocket launcher??? I love zombie movies, but I'd prefer to have no more made than to have any more like this one. I wouldn't even call it a zombie movie (barely even a horror movie); just a standard action movie made for 10 year olds with ADD that just happens to have some zombies.

I loved the first film, but this one is a mere shell of its predecessor. The story is forced -- the way the first ended, why couldn't we just have the bad CIA guys keep chasing after Bourne? Instead, there's an unnecessarily convoluted plot involving another conveniently placed lost memory. And when the truth comes out, it's neither surprising nor interesting. There's also little humanity in the characters to care about; they're all just flat, CIA-type caricatures, and without his girlfriend, Bourne is flat and uninvolving. Even the action is weak and by-the-numbers (except for a car chase near the end). Overall, it's just a boring mess that drags on entirely too long. If this was the first of the series, there would never have been a second.

How worthless is this movie? Let me count the ways...

Characters: Ever character here is annoying, ugly (emotionally speaking), and/or just plain stupid, so you really don't care about any of them and frankly hope that they just all kill each other. I guess they are supposed to be "realistic" and "rounded," showing the warts that humans have, but they come off as unlikeable and unworthy of carrying a movie.

Plot: The character's actions are uneven and irrational and seem driven merely by the writer's desire to further the plot. I didn't buy it for a second. Plus, the plot twists are predictable and hamfisted.

Acting: Jennifer Connelly - she of the one facial expression - is perhaps the most overrated actress today. It seems like it's physically painful for her to show any emotion whatsoever. And Ron Eldard is a B-actor who is so consistently annoying that I don't think he's really even acting. Ben Kinsley is OK, but there's only so much you can do with this tripe.

Most of SCI-FI channels movies are throwaway affairs, but Bugs is a large step above. Sure, the acting and writing are marginal, but who watches horror films for that??? All you want to know is: are there good special effects? (yes) is there a good amount of gore? (yes) and is there a good amount of action? (yes) The plot never gets bogged down with stupid character development or love stories and jumps into the action quickly, rarely stopping, and is frankly as satisfying as big budget, small minded feature films like Mimic, especially since you're not paying for it. A solid Saturday afternoon diversion. Much better than SCI-FI's similar films about giant killer snakes/spiders/cats/frogs/marmots.

The plot is simple yet promising, but it's executed in as many inept ways as seemingly possible. First, the killer is the least scary I've seen in any slasher flick -- he looks like a friggin' MIME, for god's sake! Second, the victims are all so annoyingly helpless, they just stand there and look at the killer like a deer in headlights. Third, the pacing and direction are slow and undramatic -- and when the film does try to get dramatic, it goes overboard with slow motion, soaring music, and extended (i.e. aggravating) sequences where the victim is just HIDING and HIDING and HIDING, hoping that the killer looming over him won't find him. Fourth, the characters are undeveloped; who are these people and why should we care? I was HOPING they'd get killed. Finally, the sound is so soft at times, you can't hear the dialogue... not that it really matters anyway. A great opportunity wasted due to ineptitude.

Considering the talent that went into it, The Last Castle is shockingly BAD. Hackneyed, cliched, and inept in every way, this film borrows from every prison movie that's preceded it...and it does so badly. I actually felt sorry for the actors; they had to know how silly this material is when they were filming it. Robert Redford seems bored, while James Gandolfini, who sounds for all the world like Fat Tony from The Simpsons, is a straight comic book villain. The hyper-patriotism and schmaltzy sentimentality make it all the more laughable, and to top it all off, the idea that Arian posterchild Redford could unite the 90% black/Hispanic prison (who are apparently such stupid darkies that they could never stand up for themselves without him) is downright insulting.