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The Mephisto Waltz (1971)
Tepid Rosemary's Baby knock-off
Given its reputation, the overlong and badly dated "Mephisto Waltz" disappoints in spades. I've read about this alleged "horror classic" for decades. Sadly, it wasn't worth the wait.
Blame leaden direction from veteran TV and "Gidget" film series director Paul Wendkos, and wooden acting from nearly the entire ensemble. The sole exception is future 007 villain Curt Jurgens' convincing turn as a master pianist with a fractured moral compass.
On a positive note, the ending is legitimately original, and Bisset is fun to look at. The film also offers a look at a young Alan Alda the year before before beginning his long residency on the MASH TV series.
Unfortunately, we never for a moment buy the two leads as parents of a young daughter. Outlandish plot aside, its pervasive pattern of implausibility on a human level sink this ship before it even leaves the harbor.
Michael (1996)
Blowing a premise with promise
For the most part, "Michael" is a disaster ten minutes of charm and ninety's worth of missteps.
Travolta and MacDowell do their best, frequently rising above Nora Ephron's numbingly banal script. But the film moves like a snail. And even within its fantasy context, the characters behave implausibly on a regular basis. (Reporters who routinely let the story of a lifetime an apparent angel living on Earth out of their sight?)
Someone forgot to tell romantic comedy maestro Ephron that William Hurt, brilliant in so many other films, is no Tom Hanks. The movie's "climax" redefines the word contrived. Ephron may be shooting for Heaven here, but unfortunately "Michael" is a long, long ride through cinema heck.
The Man from U.N.C.L.E.: The Iowa-Scuba Affair (1964)
The first post-pilot episode has a lot to offer
The high rating is in the context of the show. If you're an UNCLE fan, you'll enjoy this hour. In a sense, it's the Goldfinger of TMFU, in that it provides the template for the series: innocent and naive female gets entangled in megalomaniacal plot, gadgets, harrowing escapes, and humor.
Unlike later color episodes, the B&W filming frequently makes good use of shadow and light, compensating some day-for-night scenes. And the action moves briskly enough to forgive its implausibility. But Illya fans be forewarned: this is a solo Solo episode. Kuryakin shows up only in nominal HQ scenes. Mr. Waverly has some nice moments, and Robert Vaughn carries the rest of the load impeccably.
All told, director Richard Donner delivers a solid, watchable show. (As of this writing, it's available to download -- along with several other TMFU episodes -- and watch at no cost on AOL Video's free Hi-Q system: http://video.aol.com/)
Among writer Harold Jack Bloom's previous accomplishments, he and UNCLE "developer" Sam Rolfe were nominated for an Oscar for their 1953 screenplay, "The Naked Spur." In an interesting (and uncredited) turn, three years after this episode aired -- his sole TMFU teleplay -- Bloom contributed additional material to the 007 flick, "You Only Live Twice. Ever notice TMFU show credits always include, "Developed by Sam Rolfe" -- not "Created by?" That's because it was James Bond author Ian Fleming who originally came up with the idea of a globe-hopping spy named Napoleon Solo (as well as the name for a female agent, April Dancer -- later The Girl From UNCLE).
The Breed (2001)
Like watching a well-photographed train wreck
With a reasonable budget ($4mm, according to IMDb), atmospheric location shooting in Rumania, and an intriguing premise, The Breed should have been a gem of a vampire flick. Instead, it's a contest between screenwriters Gage and Fletcher's comic book dialogue and Bokeem Woodbine's unfathomably inept lead performance to see who can drive a stake through the heart of this mess first.
On the positive side, Adrian Paul convinces as an impressively physical vampire detective. Unfortunately, Ling Bai has zero chemistry with Woodbine, although that's probably not her fault, as nobody seems to. Disappointingly, her beauty gets buried under enough mascara to embarrass Alice Cooper.
Director Michael Oblowitz demonstrates a flair for tense shoot-outs. But each time he cranks up the suspense, it takes only a few words from the relentlessly unconvincing Woodbine to obliterate the mood and return the viewer to Square One. This becomes such a routine occurrence, one is torn between frustration and laughter.
The screenwriters' insistence on sophomoric "in" references only serves to make matters worse. A doctor named Fleming talks of James Bond and Blofeld, and other characters are named (no kidding) Lucy Westernra, Cross, Orlock, Gray, Seward, and Bathory. If that isn't enough, f-bombs drop everywhere.
Needless to say, writers are answerable to directors, directors report to producers, and actors sometimes insist on improvising. So it's hard to know who's to blame for the end result. But ultimately, as another reviewer correctly observed, The Breed can only be enjoyed for what it had the potential to be.
The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (1995)
A misstep to be missed
Unfortunately, this freshman effort from writer/director Maria Maggenti and her two lead actresses reeks of amateurism.
Littered with painful dialogue and clunky performances, "Two Girls in Love" is implausible and inauthentic to the point of embarrassment.
For a more believable (as well as more intelligent and erotic) teen lesbian love story, check out the understated and off-beat BBC production, "My Summer of Love" (2004). A similarly themed film that's downright hilarious and with a killer score to boot -- "But I'm A Cheerleader" (1999) is a gem. From the same year, "Better Than Chocolate" has it all humor, originality, plot, dialogue, performances, and sensuality.
The only incredible thing about "Two Girls in Love" is that it got released in the first place, as without its lesbian twist it's little more than a third-rate Romeo and Juliet tale.
Hogan's Heroes (1965)
The true story of the show's creation
According to Brenda Royce's excellent biography of Hogan's Heroes, the notion that the series was based on "Stalag 17" was "a popular misconception." The original Hogan's Heroes pilot was set in a minimum-security prison, not a German POW camp. The character of Sgt. Schultz didn't even exist the Bernard Fine and Al Ruddy script. (Yes, the same Al Ruddy who went on to produce The Godfather and Million Dollar Baby.)
Schultz was added to the pilot by the series' most inspired writer, Richard M. Powell, to serve as a bridge between Klink and Hogan. Powell borrowed the name from the character of Capt. Schultz, in the 1942 Jack Benny film, "To Be Or Not To Be." He claimed not to have seen Stalag 17 at the time. According to Royce, Bob Crane said Col. Hogan was based on James Garner's character in The Great Escape.
If the version of Hogan's Heroes greenlighted by CBS was "lifted" from anything, it was an NBC pilot called Campo 44, about American soldiers in an Italian POW camp during World War II. The "dim-witted" second in command was more interested in avoiding the front lines and preserving his own skin than winning the war.
Ruddy claims he and Fein read that NBC was considering Campo 44, and immediately decided to change the setting of their own show to a German POW camp. (Copycatting has always been a TV staple -- witness I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched, to name just one example.) CBS was sold, and the rest, as they say, was six seasons of sitcom history.
P.S. Ironically, two actors from Campo 44 made repeat appearances in Hogan's Heroes. The "dim-witted second-in-command" was played by Vito Scotti, who portrayed war-hating, pizza-loving Major Bonacelli on Heroes. The other actor was Powell creation Col. Crittendon, played by Bernard Fox.
P.P.S. The jury in a lawsuit filed by the "Stalag 17" scribes ruled in favor of the plaintiffs. Their verdict was overturned by the presiding judge.
P.P.P.S. With the exception of Baer & Joelson's note-perfect "War Takes A Holiday" (Hogan convinces Hochstetter, Klink, and Schultz the war is over) Powell's 29 scripts are usually the series' best. In addition to Schultz and Crittendon, Powell created blonde underground hottie Tiger, Russian dazzler Marya, and dauntless Gestapo Major Hochstetter. Powell episodes remain brilliant today. They're consistently creative and memorable, and worth seeking out.
Midnight Cowboy (1969)
The most overrated "masterpiece" ever?
In the words of another "classic" of the period, where do I begin? Finally saw this Academy Award winner on DVD (I was 14 when it made its X-rated theater debut) and was appalled at how bad it was.
Hoffman and Voight do credible jobs in the lead roles. And the soundtrack is enjoyable. But the plot is threadbare, and the two main characters so endlessly stupid as to be implausible.
(SPOILER example: In a scene which could have come straight from Jim Carrey's "Dumb and Dumber," Buck and Ratso hang outside a male escort agency to pickpocket a lead from a departing gigolo. The agency is RIGHT THERE why doesn't Buck simply apply for a job?) One gets the feeling if the two passed a display on Park Avenue offering free money, they'd conspire to steal the sign instead.
A party scene later in the film is straight out of the Late '60s Psychedelic Party filmmaker's manual. The main reason the predictability of the conclusion wasn't overly disappointing was because I stopped caring about these two clowns an hour into the film. Sad to say this Midnight Emperor is as unclothed as its Oscar statuettes.
The Wisdom of Crocodiles (1998)
Major Disappointment
Jude Law gives his all in this beautifully filmed vampire flick which offers little else of value. Completely lacking in eroticism, excitement, or leading ladies with appeal. One decent fight, a few moments of mild suspense. And a one-note plot.
The movie waxes philisophic in a series of conversations between Law's character and a dogged homicide detective, well played by Timothy Spall. But despite their best efforts, both actors are staked to the cross of the film's banality.
With a lesser actor in the lead role -- and without the benefit of Oliver Curtis's cinematography -- Crocodiles would blend into the sea of low-budget vampire quickies.
People I Know (2002)
Actors In Search Of A Film
"People I Know" is a clunker with no one to root for and no one to care about -- despite the game efforts of a talented cast.
Pacino delivers his usual tour de force as Eli Wurman, a past-his-prime publicity agent hollowed out by a lifetime of moral corruption. But unlike Michael Corleone, it's impossible to have an emotional investment in this character, his dilemma, or his fate.
The film traces Eli's preparations for a benefit for a liberal political cause, while distracted by a client's (Ryan O'Neal, good in an underwritten part) latest "dirty laundry" -- in this case, a TV actress companion who's gotten involved with the wrong people. Tea Leoni brings her customary star power to this supporting role, although again, the script doesn't give her much to work with. As Eli's sister-in-law, Kim Basinger manages to evoke sympathy despite implausible plot mechanics.
This movie is strictly for those who like watching Pacino strut his stuff, and enjoy the other principals. Unfortunately, between the script and direction, "People I Know" is strictly amateurish. Hence its limited theatrical release, and speedy journey to DVD. Consider yourself warned.
100 Mile Rule (2002)
100 miles is how far away you'll see the punches come
This film played a couple of indy festivals -- and Cannes -- and then went straight to video. There's a reason no major studio picked it up. It's mind-numbingly slow to develop. To say nothing of clumsy and derivative. The actors seem either under-prepared or indifferent. Even the usually infallible Michael McKean. Maria Bello, authentically less than pure as the cocktail waitress in "The Cooler," essays a similar role here. But she struggles with this femme fatale turn in the Linda Fiorentino / Kathleen Turner mold. The film's pace picks up in the final half-hour. But the action is no less plausible. One of those movies you wish was better -- but it's not. Writer Huff and director Pillsbury are actors who either aimed low or missed a higher mark.