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Reviews
Velma (2023)
When your main character is more villainous than villains in the past.
When the main character in your reboot could easily be a villain in the original show, you know you've made a modern masterpiece.
Honestly this is nothing but a self insert "fanfic" of artocious quality. Yes, fantic in quotations since any real fan wouldn't remove the premise of the show so far from the original. Eventhough most modern Scooby-Doo movies and remakes didn't come near the older ones in overal quality or funniness, this one has such an overload of juvinile jokes and delivers them so heavy handed it ranks as the lowest point the IP has fallen to.
Not to even mention how much of a character assassination of the original Velma this is. In Velma by Mindy Kaling she has turned into some the original crew would've unmasked as a villain at the end of the episode/movie.
Prey (2022)
Plot armor for a Mary Sue disrespecting a traditional culture
Plot Amor moments in JUST the final fight..
1. The dog, it literally appears outta the blue to save her from getting speared.. completely disappears until later in the fight where she needs her yoyo-hawk. No ambient barking.. nothing.. It literally disappears until she needs saving or helping. It's a plot armor puppers.
2. The movie established that the flower lowers the body temp.. meaning it just like either a corpse or just cooler in general.. she was completely invisible according to the movie when the Predator walked up. The fact the movie ignores what it itself established is plot armor.. because the literal rules changed to keep the protagonist safe.
3. Apparently the flower's effects are instant because she took it while monologuing to the french guy which.. technically gave away her position since it was approaching due to the screams.. the fact the helm doesn't pick up multiple sound sources is pretty plot armory but from a nitpicky perspective.
4. Her entire plan in general was not only luck but sheer plot armor. It all depended on her not getting merc'd as easy as the French guys and other Comanches to lure it to a certain part of the forest.
5. She got sliced twice by the shield.. once was after the arm was cut off and he deactivated his spear club thing.. I replayed it to make sure my eyes saw what my ears heard, and yes.. edge alignment has her face getting cleaved.. I thought maybe she blocked it with the spear, I'll let it slide on the first one MAYBE she did. But the 2nd hit was a clean slice. Edge alignment.. impact.. the fact she was literally wide open for it.. Yeh she dead lol Predator's armor was her plot armor lol
6. Wtf is her stamina pool like? Ever chopped wood? Hit a punching back excessively with pull power hits? She's not even remotely winded.. She was thrown around like a sack of potatoes, hit twice with a sharp af shield.. barely breathing hard. Her lungs in general was plot armor lol
7. She actually clears the mud pit in a scramble on the predator's back instead of falling in a bit herself.. Unless the mud pit is a perfect predator size hole.. she should at least got her feet wet.
8. The Predator actually goes full looney toons and cocks its head to the side confused when it sees the laser aiming at its forehead.. it even followed the trajectory of the arrow in utter amazement. The simple fact it didn't even attempt to duck was plot armor.
9. She was able to pull a predator over with her noodle arms into the mud pit lol she did hack at the predator's knee though so it's plausible.. but she still has to pull down something that literally weighs at least 500lbs.. her noodle arms are plot armor.
10. Her piecing together how the predator's tech works at all is plot armor itself.. it seems to make sense because we the viewer knows how the predator works.. she shouldn't even remotely have any idea what technology is. Almost like someone from the audience was actually yelling out through the screen how the predator's gear worked in this movie. This is just a fault from writing though, but I'm gonna chime it in as plot armor because she should've seen everything it did as magic and have no idea wtf was going on.
That's JUST in the final fight too lol I wouldn't have those plot armor points if she just flat out shot it in the back of the head lol.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
Total garbage writing, inconsistent with the universe, existing characters and even within it's own series and new characters.
A golden oldie had the perfect quote for this:
"You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves. So you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could. And before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, slapped it on a plastic lunchbox and now you're selling it."
"So preoccupied with whether or not they could they didn't stop to think if they should."
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)
If you're a fan of the franchise avoid this like the plague
The positive:
+The set quite decently resembles the original material.
The negative:
-The script
-The cast
-The acting
-The atmosphere
-The music
-The sounds
And pretty much everything else one can think of.
This just feels like an attempt to destroy as much of the franchise as possible whilst being as disrespecful as possible.
Cowboy Bebop (2021)
A 'gift' wrapped in flayed skin.
It certainly was ambitious trying to fill such huge boots, but they sure did managa to. By that I mean they punched the soles out, tore the fabric apart, strangled your pet with the laces, made a 'meal' of it all, forced it down your throat and expect you applaud the abomination.
They had a great story draw inspiration from, but instead chose to butcher it, flay it and wear it's skin hoping you wouldn't notice the soul is missing.
Miscasting of main characters(for example Spike is supposed to be around 27 years old and despite still being that young he is already this worn dowwn by life because of what he's seen and experienced, his young age really makes that hit home. This 'Faye' completely misses the point, driving force, mannerisms and overal character of who she is supposed to be. Etc. Etc.), completely missing the vibe of the originals, unneccesarily drawn out episodes, constant mismatch of tonal elements in both acting and writing, amateur acting most of the time, incredibly bad and lazy writing.
The music is good though. Seems at least 1 person had some respect for what they were trying to emulate. Sadly that isn't enough to save this piece of rotting, festering afterbirth.
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
A very big Meh while it could have been soooo much more
For starters, the cinematography and the CGI are pretty nice. However that's where the positive ends.
The fighting choreography is ok, not bad but not great at all. For example even Mortal Combat did it way better with way less. Also it follows the usual marvel formula of a lot of CGI in the fighting scenes, but this time they blew of the roof with it making those scenes feel completely detached from the world they're in.
Concerning the characters, Shang-Chi isn't really there for most parts of the movie, taking a few steps back in his very own movie. A lot of things that other characters did in their time in the spotlight should have been done by him, there was no reason for him to not do those things. Causing him to be a neglected in his own movie, basically a background character. As for the female leads, one is just plain annoying and really serves no purpose(you'll know instantly when she appears). The other is an over-the-top strong woman actually getting most of the screentime, which don't get me wrong the actress acts nicely, but the way she is presented in the story and the way her character has come to be and is established is just unnatural and feels like she's just someone who has activated IRL-cheats, it just feels like they took a real shortcut with her character whilst there was so much they could've done to make her really likeable and immersable for you as a viewer. However the way they handled her just makes her feel like a 2D cardboard character that used cheats to max her stats.
As for the story and dialogue. The story is just abyssmal, really lacking in content and feels like something a hungover student would drum up last-minute after a late night party. The dialogue feels wooden most of the time, just really unnatural and don't even get me started on the "humor" which is overly forced and just really bad.
It feels like a movie that knows what it wants to do, but not how it wants to do that and just goes at it in a dozen ways leaving to much clutter and sidesteps for it to feel like a coherent story. If only they had chosen 1 or 2 things and stuck with them it could have been a decent flick.
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)
Nothing on the line
That's how you'll feel the whole movie, there's nothing on the line.
Everything happens with ease, no real problems faced. Everything feels superficial, just happening because some lazy writer wrote so, all for conveinience to take your hard-earned cash with the last amount of effort.
Even a 6 year old would write a better more indept movie. Now the Space Jam wasn't everything, but it at least felt like it had a soul. This "New Legacy" however is just a bunch of checkmarks on a generic plotline.
If you don't watch it you don't miss anything, in fact you save yourself quite some time and most of all frustration and disappointment.
Jolt (2021)
It starts with a bad narrated expose
And goes downhill from there.
The characters are all superficial and have little to no development or emotional layering. The script is just generally bad and every single joke falls flat.
If you respect your time, skip this. If you don't respect it, prepare for disappointment.
Masters of the Universe: Revelation (2021)
8 for animation, -6 for the writing and story
The animation is done wonderfully, however the plot and the characters mostly feel completely soulless and their dynamics are pretty much destroyed. Also ofcourse the elephant in the room, the main protagonist(Adam) of the real series is completely sidelined to the point he isn't really a part of the series anymore.
But what is to be expected of someone who said:
"I have no love for He-Man either, but he has a place in the world, in the comicbookstories" only to later say(or rather lie) "When I was a kid I watched He-Man when came home from school, from 1981 to 1982" despite the series not even existing yet at that time only airing from 1983 onwards.
Shame on you Smith, shame on you for producing crap, shame on you for constantly lying.
In the Heights (2021)
Meh. f you really like (progressive) musicals, skip this one.
The story is chewed out, the movie lacks focus, the choreography is so-so, the singing is sometimes offkey(eventhough using autotune to correct most, they apparently still missed parts, the chemistry just isn't there and the acting feels forced.
Overall the movie lacks heart and soul, the one thing that is supposed to be abundent in movies like these.
Also for all their marketing and promoting diversity and inclusivity of their movie, they were severely lacking. If you promise something, make good on it.
Fear Street: 1994 (2021)
Bad script, worse acting
Nothing you haven't seen a dozen times over, but in better versions. Even the pretty decently edited trailer couldn't hide the wooden acting. If you like wasting time on something you will forget within half an hour after seeing it, this movie might be the thing for you.
The Last Full Measure (2019)
Rate the movie, not the person it's about and ignore the fakes with -#### attached to their usernames.
So many of these reviews claim it's a 10/10, it's the perfect emotional movie displaying the brutality and honor in warfare.
But truth be told, the script is not good, the cinematography is just blatantly bad and most of the acting is just plainly awful. There's no reason at all for the over the top reviews all made by fake accounts ending in -randomnumbers.
Orphans of the Genocide (2013)
A well put together documentary on horrible events
The documentary does well covering an event often hushed up, especially by certain nationalists. The cruelty perpetrated and the effect of it on it's victims is well shown and it's results linger on today. Sadly it's barely taught in most history lessons and diplomatically it's isn't often spoken about due to the anger it invokes from the descendents of the perpetrators.
The documentary could've been a little less from the perspective of Armenians and a bit more allround, but then again the topic it is covering is the effect it has had on the orphans that resulted from the tragic and inhumane events and how hard it was for individuals and organizations of foreign nations to intervene and to rescue the helpless and vulnerable.
All-in-all it's well worth watching, but it will not leave you with a happy feeling and it'll really show you the duality of mankind; on the one hand we're capable of doing terrible, really horrific things to eachother, on the other hand there's always those who will give it their all to selflessly help those in need.
The Bag Girls (2020)
A bag over your head is what you're going to need whilst watching this.
The story behind the movie is actually quite interesting and the people upon whom the characters are based probably had some big personalities.
The movie however is a big let down, the scipt is poorly written, the acting isn't worth mentioning(like you can easily deduce from the trailer, I only saw it after I'd seen the movie if I had seen it earlier I'd given this a pass. The highlights of the movies are the songs used as soundtracks, the contrast in quality between the movies and the soundtracks is so big you're actually better of just keeping your eyes closed, ignoring all dialogue and just listening to the music.
In short this movie gets 1 point for the looks of the girls, 6 for the music and -4 for the script and acting which leads to a way higher score than any tough critic would give it.
The Binge (2020)
The Cringe
Let's name it for what it is, a cringefest.
It tries so hard to be original(which it really isn't) and funny(not even close).
Here and there's there's something that might make you grin a bit, but if you're hoping for laughter, skip this one.
The acting feels very superficial most of the times, just actors repeating their lines, not acting. The plot is fairly cheesy, which is to be expected with these kinds of films so it is forgiven for that sin, but the screenwriting just feels lazy.
Anyhow if you desperately need to get rid of some hours of spare time, it might be worth watching under the influence of something (strong). Otherwise I'd recommend you stay away from this cringeflick.
The Tax Collector (2020)
make pretend
It's just doesn't cut it. It tries so hard to make you believe you're being introduced to a 'gangster' lifestyle. But it tries to do so with wannabe-tough guys played by actors that aren't convincing(and that apparently have never met real tough guys or fail miserably to impersonate them) and a script that produces paperthin characters that never develop any real depth. Any treaths make during the movie feel superficial and have no gravity to them, making them sound more like comedic lines.
In short it's a movie produced by people utterly unfamiliar with the subjects the movie is supposed to be about.
Vivarium (2019)
Good actors, bad editing and plot
Within the first 30 minutes it all unraveled. One voice introduced the falling apart of the plot. It had a decent enough start, though there could be more characterbuilding the first scenes.
Wolf (2019)
Craps on history and the horror genre
Sometimes when you watch a movie, you start to think about what the director and writers thought at the start thought the finished product would be like. Honestly, they should have thought about it and left it at that.
Poor script, poor acting, very few moments of historical correctness and gone overboard with political correctness. I mean, a female legionairre? I'm all for having tough women in movies, but a female legionairre simply wouldn't have happened, Romans wouldn't even have considered it. I get this is fantasy, but it's based on reality. Then they should at least get the historical foundation right, same goes for some of the equipment. It's not that hard to find someone who actually has knowledge about the Roman period and army. It just shows that the director and writers didn't even take their own movie serious, how is an audience supposed to be seriously entertained by it then?
My advice would be to skip this and find yourself a movie of at least some quality to entertain yourself.
Midway (2019)
An insult to those who were there: ToraToraTora's afterbirth that has been mangled and bludgeoned to death.
Where to start.... Well the only reason this seems to pass as a 7 star is nationalism, nothing more nothing less.
The movie seems to at least take the historical events serious and is partly historically accurate. That is the biggest pluspoint of the movie.
Sadly the script is bad, it lacks narrative, coherence, has tons of cliches and simply doesn't give the actors anything to make their character feel real or alive. Simply put it feels like they got a high school drama club with no experience in plays or acting to write it. The American characters are like cardboard and the japanese like a piece of paper, there in no depth(or attempt to create one) in the characters. They're just superficial and it feels like they're there for the sake of the plot and nothing more.
The acting is so-so, it's mostly bad but here and there you can spot some decent acting. It mostly just feels like people are spitting their lines just to get it over with, not that they really could have done better with such an abomination of a script.
The CGI is just terrible, if there was a decent budget for it, somewhere along the lines there was a lot skimmed of and it looks like they went for their last resort, a guy living in his mothers basement.
My grandfather was at both Pearl Harbor and Midway and if he were alive today(god rest his soul) and gone to the cinema to watch this, he'd have ripped out his chair and thrown it through the screen. Sadly the only thing he can do now is roll over in his grave whilst the movie just milks money from the historical events without showing proper respect for those who died(American and Japanese).
The only "good" thing about this movie was that through some miracle there is no pushing of a political agenda. Together with the fact that it's not completely historically inaccurate it's the only redeeming factor of this movie.
If I were to guess what ages they made the movie for I'd say younger than 12, because anyone older(and clear of mind) will zone out within half an hour.
How so many can rate this a 10 or even an 8 is beyond me. I guess patriotism makes people blind for the true disaster that is Midway(2019).
Small Town Hero (2017)
Budget movie by an practically unknown writer/director.
I suspect few people have seen it, if they did they didn't bother writing any (positive) reviews. Anything under an eight could've been understandable if they like these level/kind of movies. But 10's and 9's, that's just beyond reality.
As for my review:
The acting was ok, the camera work was decent enough. However the plot and characters just felt shallow, they were just to 2D, if they were fleshed out a bit more maybe viewers could relate or at least be invested in them. It's the kind of movie you might watch if there's nothing else on TV, but then again, you might want to just turn it off and read a book or something.
Alleluia! The Devil's Carnival (2016)
So many reviews
One has to wonder with all these 10 star reviews wether this could be a hidden gem. However it's something you'd prefer to stay hidden. The acting is soso, the props are decent, the script is abysmal. You will want to stab yourself in the eyes while watching it to lessen the pain.
My advice is to skip it. If you still want to watch it, put in earplugs and blindfold yourself, it's the only way to "enjoy" this "movie".
Light Is Calling (2004)
If you're not high from whatever poison floats you boat
If you're not high from whatever poison floats you boat, you're not really going to enjoy it. It's just a decayed piece of film with some low quality music over it.
Sandy Wexler (2017)
Yet another Netflix Failure
Whilst I've yet to see a good netflix movie, it seems they and Sandler tried very, very hard to produce a textbook fail of a movie this time. The characters are superficial and boring. Other might claim that it's good because it's based on real events, but being based on real events doesn't mean it sould be a snore-fest. Artistic liberties should be taken to make a story something watchable.
The Discovery (2017)
Another Netflix fiasco
Despite a decent cast somehow this movie feels terribly superficial. It has a chance to make some good points but doesn't. Instead it relies on cheap tricks to try and up the ante, which fails completely.
The Siege of Jadotville (2016)
Another bad netflix movie with overwelming fake reviews
The script is meh, the acting is meh, the story told is ok I guess, but the way it's told is another very big meh.
Movie could at best score a 5/10 if you're just a fan of superficial movies and the script and acting don't matter to you. How this movies gets so many 10/10 would have been an enigma if the fake reviews weren't so obvious to spot.