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kingmalice14
Reviews
A Wringing Good Joke (1900)
Possibly James H. White's Best (and Least Offensive) Work
I have to admit, when I sat down to see White's latest work, I was a bit skeptical. After the racially-insensitive disaster that was "Watermelon Contest", I was not expecting much - White has gained a reputation in my mind as a maker of exploitation films of the worst kind. Still, he's earned a place in the hearts of many cinema goers for "Capture of Boer Battery", wherein kilt-clad British soldiers defeat the dastardly Boers in a hair-raising battle.
But I digress. James H. White's latest foray into comedy (a change of pace for the action/adventure/general interest flicks he is known for), turns out to be a delightful romp! I laughed uproariously on at least two occasions during the watching of this film! I won't spoil anything for you, but believe me - it is well worth the nickel. Definitely a must see! I give it a 9/10, and say it is the best moving picture of the year!
The Amityville Horror (2005)
"Amityville Horror" Remake - Worth 50 Cents?
*There MAY be spoilers, although you will probably thank me for the one's I point out*
For those of you who haven't seen the original?
Do not see this movie.
For those of you who have?
For the love of God, stay away from this movie!
Now, I've only seen about 80% of the original Amityville, with chunks missing from the middle, but I think I can safely say - the original was better than this train wreck in every way:
1) The new Amityville is not a horror movie
This requires a bit of explanation - the remake is not a scary movie; it is an occasionally surprising movie. Sure, there are dead people, ghosts, blood, etc, but it's nothing horrific, per se. Hell, how hard is it to scare somebody when they're sitting in the dark staring at a 40-ft lighted screen and surrounded be loudspeakers? If I were watching a movie about puppies and you suddenly shifted the screen to a picture of kittens, but played a really loud 'scary' sound effect, I'd probably sh*t my pants.
2) The term 'Remake' is very loosely implied
It would have required a lot less time and energy just to make a new film, instead of butchering the original plot to make room for more "BOO!" moments. Whereas the original showed the father, George, slowly coming under the influence of the house, it seems that after stepping foot in this new version of the house, George goes completely psycho. Within a week he's yelling at his stepchildren and bitching at his wife. Oh yes the house... now, like I said, I didn't see ALL of the original, but I'm pretty sure I don't remember the part where the spirit of an evil Quaker Oats guy, who tortured Native Americans and then committed suicide, was the cause of all the trouble. Again, maybe that's just me. (Also, did I miss the part with the crazy ass, pot-smoking babysitter in the original? I don't know!)
3) The Dog
In the remake, they find it necessary to have George axes the hell out of the family dog, and then show it's mangled corpse. In the original, I seem to remember George running back into the house after his family escapes just to save this dog! Now, one may seem sappy, but the other one involves a mangled dog corpse, so you can see which one I prefer.
4) The Softcore Sex Scene
The softcore sex scene between George and his wife, Kathy (played by the surprisingly hot Melissa George), it starts out with so much promise! She disrobes and mounts her husband, which is followed by a minute and a half of implied humping where you get a great view of her back from the waist up. So far so good. And then... *BAM* Dead girl being hanged. My reaction? "JESUS! What the f*ck?! God damnit! That's... God DAMNIT!" And so on, so forth. Definitely one of the movie's most startling moments, but also it's most brutally disappointing. You expect a treat, and you get sucker punched right in the family jewels.
I could go on, but I think by now you've got the picture. Having seen this movie at the dollar theater, where I got a half-off discount because it was Tuesday, I can safely say that I feel grossly overcharged for having wasted my time on such a blatantly bad movie.