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Reviews
Pelt (2010)
Only worth watching for Amber Bollinger
It's a clichéd one star movie but I'll give it two because of Amber Bollinger. She's hot and runs around in her panties in the woods. Now for the bad. The characters are so annoying you want them all to die. The plot has been done a million times before (see "Wrong Turn" for one example.) My only hope is that the writer and director never make another movie again. In fact, they should be ashamed of themselves for not having an original thought in their collective imaginations. It's rare you get a chance to make a film, so why give the world a boring retread? On the other hand, Amber Bollinger needs to make many more movies. She reminds me of a young Bobbie Phillips. Unfortunately, her character in this film is so annoying that no one other than a few pervy fanboys will remember her.
The Bleeding (2009)
Perhaps the worst film ever made. Painful to watch.
Move over Uwe Boll, old man Charlie Picerni takes away your coveted title as worst director of all time. This rotten, lame, boring, badly tweaked in post color, amateurish turkey was so excruciating I almost destroyed my TV 5 or 6 times. Is it any wonder it sat on the shelf for 2 years before being dumped into the straight to DVD pit of hell? Apparently director Charlie Picerni is some old hack who used to do stunts 20 or 30 years ago, as well as direct lame 70's TV shows where speed and perfunctory shots matter more than technique or talent. Hack Picerni should retire before we have to suffer through any more painful garbage like this. Riding on the fumes of the vampire genre, old man Picerni foolishly attempts to draw in young audiences with some stiff, boring third rate Vin Diesel he dug up from under some rock to star as the "Slayer" and go after the vamps who killed his family (so much for an original plot). One key problem (besides the tedious script)is that Picerni clearly knows nothing of horror, so he masquerades this pseudo-action film as horror. It's an exercise in desperation. Even the periodic action sequences fall flat. There's even one shot in a car chase he repeats at least 4 times so that we can oooo and aaah at a headlight lens flare! Sorry, Mr. Picerni, but car headlights are not enough to keep the audience awake, let alone dazzle. After 50 years of stunt work you'd think he could get the action part right! I think another reviewer said it best: this should be called "The Boring" not "The Bleeding". I noticed the director's wife (who appears to be half his age) is in this fiasco (Nancy Young) as the nurse, and even she gets a lousy, 3 line walk on part! Perhaps director Picerni seems more in love with his half-wit, bald, stone-faced hero than giving anyone else (including his wife and the vampires) some screen time. Cameos by washed up stars do little to raise the production value. Instead, they serve as a glaring reminder that a quick paycheck is better than artistic integrity. No one looks like they are having fun. The movie has no soul, no heart, no scares, very little gore and no attempts at humor. Everything is played straight and deadly dull. Seriously, don't waste your time with this mess. It's so bad it makes you want to rattle the filmmaker and scream, "How could you?!?"
Perkins' 14 (2009)
A dark, humorless, dry, boring ride to nothing
Lame plot which goes absolutely nowhere. Somehow hypnosis (did the writer bother to research the subject) turns a bunch of kids into angry pseudo-zombies that run around and chase people in a small town. There isn't a single likable character in the film. We never care if anyone lives or dies. The action and pacing are slow. The movie is way too dark. Bad cinematography. Then in the prison for about 20 minutes we get strobe lights and sparks in a weak effort to pass for visual excitement. The end is the worst part of all. It's downbeat, pointless and dull. Typical of Horrorfest films, maybe even sub-par, and that's saying a lot. The director and writer haven't worked much since this came out. So I guess that's our happy ending.
Three Days to Vegas (2007)
A complete and utter mess
One of the worst films ever. Not funny, poor TV style cinematography, bad acting. Sad to see so many famous old actors barely able to walk, let alone act. Lead female Nancy Young can't act. Terrible direction. Sub-par with bad TV movies. Occasional weak jokes fall flat. Even the basic premise of the movie makes no sense. Somehow they are supposed to stop a wedding from happening but there's no logic behind their actions. Slow pacing made my wife stop watching but I suffered through it. The old men are supposed to be acting like they are young and horny, but it comes off as pathetic instead of funny. How did they even get the money to make this?