***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** A relentlessly mugging John Barrymore plays Young Ahab Ceely (!) as poor Herman Melville spins without cessation in his lonely grave. The movie begins with Ahab as a mere sprite, dancing about the rigging and bragging about multiple girlfriends in every port ("I don't care if they're white, black or green"). Upon arriving back home in New Bedford he is immediately smitten by his brother's (!!) girl, Joan Bennett, the daughter of Father Mapple (!!!). Accompanied by his faithful companion Queequeg (No "Call me Ishmael" in this flick) he gets roaring drunk in the Old Spouter and proceeds to church to flirt with Faith, whom he of course wins over. Then it's off to sea for 3 years, where a huge floating baked potato bites his leg off. (No "awful whiteness" for this whale!) Fearing that Faith will reject him because of his wooden leg, he uses his brother ("Derek") as an intermediary; surprise, he lies to Ahab about her intentions (which were honorable, of course) and Ahab runs off to sea for another 3, 7 or 10 years (the chronology got a little mixed here). Somehow, as an itinerant seaman, he raises enough cash to purchase a ship, the "Shanghai Lady" (which does not get renamed "Pequod" or anything else). Upon mistakenly landing at New Bedford (easy to get confused out there, I guess) the crew jumps ship (one of the better scenes in the movie) and Ahab snarls at Starbuck to Shanghai a new crew from the taverns and brothels. Poor Starbuck wants only to open a coffee shop, but instead resolutely scours the back alleys. (They did do a great job in casting the most dissolute and desperate looking characters I have ever seen in any movie.) In the middle of a storm the crew tries to mutiny, but Starbuck is able to settle it singlehandedly. However, Derek has also been Shanghied, and slips past Starbuck to confront Ahab, who is manfully manning the wheel. Ahab is a bit confused to see Derek out in the middle of the ocean, and asks him if he was in the tavern or the brothel. When Derek (who all movie long has insisted he's no sailor) tries to grab the wheel, Queequeg picks him up and tosses him against the gunwale, breaking his back. Ahab tells Queequeg to stick him in Ahab's cabin, and that's the last we hear of Derek. The storm breaks, and the crew demands that Ahab cease his doomed chase of the big fish. Ahab meekly agrees, but then we hear "Thar She Blows" from the crow's nest! And guess what, it's the floating baked potato! It's off to the chase, and even tho Moby Potato smashes Ahab's boat, he's able to use the harpoon line to pull himself aboard the whale! He repeatedly stabs the rubbery substance, while the whale obligingly swims straight and steady, and the camera zooms in on copious whale blood spurting into Ahab's face. And in the next scene the crew is carving up the dead old fish, able now to return in triumph to New Bedford! Rosy fadeout and happy endings! Hooray for Hollywood!
