I have seen some utter, utter garbage in my time; I have sat through flicks by Al Adamson and Ed Wood, I have endured some of the worst student films of all time and, I'm proud to say, I even made one of the worst student films of all time but this is from another dimension. Nothing can even begin to describe the stench arising from this piece of filth. Where can I possibly begin? The performances are universally abysmal. I mean amateurish is one thing, the acting in a Timothy Hines film is another. Anthony Piana not only varies between American and Australian accents but he manages to mix in Scots, Irish, Welsh, North Yorkshire and Jordie tones as well; everything except what he is supposed to. James Lanthrop is a joke. I don't even know where he is supposed to be from. He started the movie with an American accent and slowly graduated to communicating with sounds I never thought any human being was biologically capable of making. Jack Clay plays Ogilvy as if he were hard of hearing, always putting his hand to his ear, SHOUTING and making theatrical gestures... I could go on but it's to embarrassingly painful. The special effects deserve mention though; there are none. Hilarity ensues from the first frame. The CGI bares absolutely no interaction between the real elements of the frame, the actors and the camera movements. Coupled to this is the utter stupidity of the digital grading; night, day, sunrise, sunset, nuclear winter, smog pollution and a bad LSD trip are all depicted at anyone time. I'm guessing Timothy Hines has never been to the UK as he doesn't seem to know that over here, our air is made of Nitrus Oxide too and not, as the photography in the film would suggest, an Argon/Carbon Dioxide mix. Which brings me to my biggest gripe; the location work. CGI shots of London show it to be a 14th century village surrounding Big Ben. Big Ben is shown as a freestanding structure, which it is not, and never has been. Weirdly, the film opens with old silent footage of London and a clear view is afforded of the real Houses of Parliament and Big Ben. God knows why nobody thought to use this as a template. Other concerns are the backgrounds; sometimes actual "real world" locations are used (well, a field), other times very bad blue screen work inserts the characters into photoshop backgrounds executed by someone who cannot even switch on a pocket calculator. At other times, VERY American architecture can be seen in the background and indeed, most of the costumes are American in design. Much of the unintentional belly laughs come from the CGI horses, people and vehicles used in wide shots. There is a scene of a man running out of a church and getting flipped through the air by a martian war machine that will give you bladder problems for weeks. Believe me, the Big Ben shot in the trailer is the least the films problems. And what happened to such concepts of pace, cutting and location changes? In some sequences we get to see characters walk for ten minutes at a time, at others, the transitions are so quick that it is impossible to follow what is going on, even if you have read the book. I wish I had room here to analyse every frame; notice how, after a surprise explosion the Artillery Man throws himself against a door with an electric doorbell on it; all the (electric !) street lamps are those round American ones instead of the slim, rectangular British ones; the soldiers wear uniforms from three different periods; NO research into any aspect of 1890's period detail, of Britishness, of military procedure or even of how to actually make a film has been done at all. Bizarre, pointless things happen. An eternity is spent showing the Writer and his wife sitting with their friend at a table and the only thing that happens for five or ten minutes is that the Writer picks up a chocolate with his fork, pops it into his glass, knocks the glass over and then eats the chocolate, all the while looking like a pantomime villain in is mad fake moustache, which Piana takes off for when he plays the Writer's Brother. This is, beyond any shadow of a doubt is the worst film ever made anywhere. EVER. I hope Hines is reading this and taking note because someone has to make him understand he is incapable of filming wedding videos, let alone adaptations of classic novels. The whole three hours is nothing more than a joke. A three hour insult to the general public who purchase this. Yes, Tim, we Do notice when you use the same extras over and over again. We CAN tell the backgrounds are fake. We ARE aware that what you may think is London is in fact some fantasy land out of Harry Potter. And no matter how much frame judder you think is going to make the photography look filmic, we are quite capable of recognising cheap video work when we see it. I have only one thing to say about Timothy Hines; "Stop Him Before He Films Again!!!"
Update: It is telling that, as we have found out recently, the majority of this film was shot on location at a riding school near Seattle on weekends. further to this, the film was shot (and photographs have come to light that confirm this) on a Canon XM-1, a $1500 camcorder Timbo probably borrowed.
Update: It is telling that, as we have found out recently, the majority of this film was shot on location at a riding school near Seattle on weekends. further to this, the film was shot (and photographs have come to light that confirm this) on a Canon XM-1, a $1500 camcorder Timbo probably borrowed.