Criminal Ways (2003)
1/10
The worst film EVER made?
13 August 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Ten minutes into this film, I realised that I was probably about to witness the worst Australian film ever made. By the time it was over, I was left with no doubt as to the fact that I had witnessed one of the worst films ever made, anywhere.

I was disturbed to find that there are people on IMDb defending it because of its humour and light touch. For a start, to find this filth even remotely amusing, you would need to have lived in a cave all your life, never communicating with anyone. Staring at a blank screen would have brought me closer to laughter than this dreck. And to suggest that the film has a light touch is utterly ludicrous. The amount of unnecessary swearing in the film leaves a deeply unpleasant residue, and drags the tone of the film down lower than it already would have been.

Nick Giannopoulos is easily the most repugnant screen presence I have ever come across. And he's meant to be the hero? A scene in which he dries himself after a shower brought me to the brink of vomiting. When later he was masturbated by a sperm-hungry Asian vixen, I wondered if I would ever be able to eat again. I find it difficult to believe that, after this absolute train wreck of a production, Nick Giannopoulos could ever work again. The sexist, ageist, racist, homophobic and UTTERLY NARCISSISTIC undertones in this film would make me question his values as a human being.

And Michael from Melbourne, you are absolutely right. The fact that government agencies put money towards this thing is an outrage. I know it helped that Nick had a couple million stashed away to put towards it, but to put tax-payers' money towards this sort of insidious, hate-filled slop is insulting and corrupt. The fact that this film was made raises questions about the dire state of the policies of Australia's film finance agencies.

The only consolation I can take is knowing that the film was a financial disaster. I can't help but think that everyone who put money towards it got exactly what was coming to them. If they couldn't see it from that script (which, at times, simply does not make sense) then they should think about changing careers.
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