When I was a child, so-called epics were extremely popular. Since they combined the movie with the pageant, this is hardly surprising.
Their subject matter was often biblical (or pseudo-biblical, like QUO VADIS and BEN-HUR) making it possible to make family pictures with sex and violence. The recipe was fairly transparent, being all about the eternal struggle between good (the Lutherans of the first or any century) and evil (everybody else).
Whereas the former wore long beards and a troubled expression, the idolaters generally gave the appearance of having a jolly good time, which may perhaps be explained by the fact that they seemed to have cornered the market on alcohol, dancing, and copulation. In fact, they were so merry that we just knew it couldn't last.
Since obviously no one connected with these enterprises had any idea how people talked or behaved in ancient times, the result was almost invariably hilarious. This was not least due to the incredible BIBLESPEAK, obviously inspired by King James, which might have been alright, if the story had been set at the time of King James.
Everybody spoke in metaphors, as you do in books, but hardly in the street, while flailing about as if they were on a stage (we've got close-ups now, remember?). And so everything was invariably LIKE something else.
It just wouldn't do to say you were hungry. You had to bellow that you had the appetite of a thousand Nubian lions, presumably so that the audience might go: "How historic!" Just to be sure, everybody wore elaborate costumes in the privacy of their own homes (must have been kind of hot to be a Roman) just as you could find famous museum pieces from the period (give or take a few centuries) on any street-corner it seems every Babylonian had a replica of the ISHTAR GATE for his front door. Everything would be dripping with fresh paint I'm sorry to disappoint you folks, but your typical Roman INSULA was about as pealing, dirty and all-round dreary as any modern tenement block! The religion of those times, it seems, was all about making long-winded speeches to graven idols, but I suppose it's hard for us to grasp a cult that was an integral part of everyday life bring on the sacrificial virgins (hey, who's complaining?)! As opposed to this, the nice and only god of the Christians (and Old Testament Jews, who were really Christians, they just didn't know it) is purely philosophical, everywhere and especially nowhere, as he tests the faith of the martyrs (nothing like a nice Christian barbecue to pass the time in heaven) in other words the retired God of the Age of Enlightenment.
The people, of course, are mainly OPPRESSED, but being wicked, they seem to like it. The temple prostitutes are enticing, and the slave girls are servile, there is music and laughter, or, in the immortal words of GROUCHO, dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the park.
In other words, everything is right with the world, except of course we know it's wrong. We can understand why Micah, the Prodigal Son THE PRODIGAL for short might feel tempted (but why the heck would he ever want to go home)? It's a bit harder to fathom the attraction of SAMARA, the priestess of ASTARTE, a cheap, bitchy blonde. I think I might have preferred one of those modest, eager-to-please slave girls going for ten pieces of silver let me see now, the second one from the right anyway: Demanding the pearl, Solomon gave Sheba (now for sale at Sears) in return for his favors, she causes him to be sold into slavery, when his check bounces, together with his servant (who is of course like all servants in these movies mute unfortunately this doesn't hold for the mealy-mouthed hero) resulting in a lot of male bondage and whipping (now where's the fun in that?) Finally, he and about twenty other citizens rise up and overthrow the tyrants, at the same time cheerfully and acrobatically killing off a lot of spear-carrying extras.
What did these family men do to deserve being so irreverently dispatched of? We don't really know, but we suspect it's something with a sheep.
LANA TURNER as Samara goes to the pit, possibly to join her performance, but then again, what could she possibly do with this material? She might even have made it as an actress, if only the producers had been able to get their eyes off her tits.
EDMUND PURDOM looks throughout the picture like he's just come from a Bible Class not much passion there. Of course, there is the usual assortment of atrociously overacting bit players, worthy elders, slimy procurers, whining beggars, and crazy old men but those slave girls! I must admit that I have a soft spot for this particular kind of idiocy. After all, where else can you see so many belly buttons and laugh so hard at the same time?
Their subject matter was often biblical (or pseudo-biblical, like QUO VADIS and BEN-HUR) making it possible to make family pictures with sex and violence. The recipe was fairly transparent, being all about the eternal struggle between good (the Lutherans of the first or any century) and evil (everybody else).
Whereas the former wore long beards and a troubled expression, the idolaters generally gave the appearance of having a jolly good time, which may perhaps be explained by the fact that they seemed to have cornered the market on alcohol, dancing, and copulation. In fact, they were so merry that we just knew it couldn't last.
Since obviously no one connected with these enterprises had any idea how people talked or behaved in ancient times, the result was almost invariably hilarious. This was not least due to the incredible BIBLESPEAK, obviously inspired by King James, which might have been alright, if the story had been set at the time of King James.
Everybody spoke in metaphors, as you do in books, but hardly in the street, while flailing about as if they were on a stage (we've got close-ups now, remember?). And so everything was invariably LIKE something else.
It just wouldn't do to say you were hungry. You had to bellow that you had the appetite of a thousand Nubian lions, presumably so that the audience might go: "How historic!" Just to be sure, everybody wore elaborate costumes in the privacy of their own homes (must have been kind of hot to be a Roman) just as you could find famous museum pieces from the period (give or take a few centuries) on any street-corner it seems every Babylonian had a replica of the ISHTAR GATE for his front door. Everything would be dripping with fresh paint I'm sorry to disappoint you folks, but your typical Roman INSULA was about as pealing, dirty and all-round dreary as any modern tenement block! The religion of those times, it seems, was all about making long-winded speeches to graven idols, but I suppose it's hard for us to grasp a cult that was an integral part of everyday life bring on the sacrificial virgins (hey, who's complaining?)! As opposed to this, the nice and only god of the Christians (and Old Testament Jews, who were really Christians, they just didn't know it) is purely philosophical, everywhere and especially nowhere, as he tests the faith of the martyrs (nothing like a nice Christian barbecue to pass the time in heaven) in other words the retired God of the Age of Enlightenment.
The people, of course, are mainly OPPRESSED, but being wicked, they seem to like it. The temple prostitutes are enticing, and the slave girls are servile, there is music and laughter, or, in the immortal words of GROUCHO, dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the park.
In other words, everything is right with the world, except of course we know it's wrong. We can understand why Micah, the Prodigal Son THE PRODIGAL for short might feel tempted (but why the heck would he ever want to go home)? It's a bit harder to fathom the attraction of SAMARA, the priestess of ASTARTE, a cheap, bitchy blonde. I think I might have preferred one of those modest, eager-to-please slave girls going for ten pieces of silver let me see now, the second one from the right anyway: Demanding the pearl, Solomon gave Sheba (now for sale at Sears) in return for his favors, she causes him to be sold into slavery, when his check bounces, together with his servant (who is of course like all servants in these movies mute unfortunately this doesn't hold for the mealy-mouthed hero) resulting in a lot of male bondage and whipping (now where's the fun in that?) Finally, he and about twenty other citizens rise up and overthrow the tyrants, at the same time cheerfully and acrobatically killing off a lot of spear-carrying extras.
What did these family men do to deserve being so irreverently dispatched of? We don't really know, but we suspect it's something with a sheep.
LANA TURNER as Samara goes to the pit, possibly to join her performance, but then again, what could she possibly do with this material? She might even have made it as an actress, if only the producers had been able to get their eyes off her tits.
EDMUND PURDOM looks throughout the picture like he's just come from a Bible Class not much passion there. Of course, there is the usual assortment of atrociously overacting bit players, worthy elders, slimy procurers, whining beggars, and crazy old men but those slave girls! I must admit that I have a soft spot for this particular kind of idiocy. After all, where else can you see so many belly buttons and laugh so hard at the same time?