Review of Alien 2: On Earth

A surprisingly groovy, frenetic and fairly suspenseful subterranean creature feature earthbound "ALIEN" swipe about these ravenous shape-changing extraterrestrial rock monsters which prey upon a vapid assortment of spelunking youths exploring a deep, dark, dank remote cave. The ham-fisted direction, tin-eared dialogue ("Even he can't stop the monsters"), the cramped, creepy, claustrophobic cavern setting that's nicely redolent of both "The Boogens" and "The Descent," a throbbing Goblinesque score by Oliver Onions (who also supplied the rousing music for the snazzy, stirring post-nuke sci-fi/action zinger "2019: After the Fall of New York"), an incomprehensible, logic-defying narrative, the gorgeous, bewitching brunette Belinda Mayne's perky portrayal of the hypersensitive psychic heroine, the tacky special effects, the righteously gruesome gore, the generally flat acting from a non-star cast, an occasional sappy pop ballad blasting on the soundtrack, a hilariously idiotic climactic chase sequence which takes place in an abandoned bowling alley, future Italian horror film director Michele ("Stagefright," "The Church") Soavi as one of the dumbbell kids, a light sprinkling of charmingly unnecessary filler (i.e., faded, worn-out newsreel footage, a needless scene depicting a jeep pulling out of a garage and driving down the street, etc.) and a side-splitting concluding on-screen title statement which ominously proclaims that "YOU MAY BE NEXT!" all make this shamefully ignored hoot an extremely tasty and tantalizing slice of lovably shoddy and stupid spaghetti splatter schlock.