'Tis the season to be eating people! OK, since this was done back in 2000 the season has passed. Let me ask you this, do studio execs get together in their big board rooms collecting around mile-long chippendale tables with $5,000 catering for a power meeting, roll down the overhead and click on the PowerPoint and say, "The hottest thing on the new season's schedule should be 'big, exaggerated things that eat people!'"? Since I don't work for the industry you could drop me a line and clarify this, until then look out for some great potshots and beware of the spoilers! I admit that I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do on this rainy day and moseyed over to Blockbuster to veg out on whatever that struck my fancy. My friends and I are purveyors of B-movies and bad movies and wear it like a badge, and since we sat through (and laughed at) "Anaconda" and "Lake Placid" (but Betty White's scene was actually pretty good), "Python" has been on my list for a while. First of all "Sixty feet of pure terror!" is a tad off the mark for the 129-foot sickeningly CGI reptile is a typo that I'm certain infuriates everyone around here. Were they that cheap or was the whole crap so under budgeted that Fox couldn't have looked up some outside graphics talent (Centro that did Steven Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle" comes to mind if they wanted to save some money) that the rendering was so unrefined and sloppy? And naturally our wonderful cast did as best as they could since some of these "cult figures" can't live up to the status. It no longer makes me wonder why Jenny McCarthy hasn't been doing anything since her NBC show flatlined. I know she has a kid and is divorced, but didn't her Playboy days finance her enough? She put out a book a couple of years back- didn't do so well, did it Jenny? So I'm glad she was killed off pretty quick. Wil Wheaton, don't bother trying to shed your Wesley Crusher skin, crap like this makes you look more desperate. Go back to Tech TV. And who could forget Marc McClure and Ed Lauter?! The 80s are gone my friends, you will always be Jimmy Olson and Coach Murray Chadwick ("Youngblood" if you don't remember). And it was a very Jimmy Olson move for McClure to actually let the snarling "beast" from its WOODEN PLANK cage loose- Golly Chief! And what the hell happened to you Billy Zabka? Did they make you get that crew cut? Least you weren't a whiny li'l bastard like in "The Equalizer". Stay off the juice (or was Jesus telling you to put on a few pounds to help you w/your career that has been defined by "Sweep the leg"?) but you're still cute pretty boy Johnny- NO MERCY!!! And that Texan from "Will and Grace" was right at home playing the doddering sheriff, so kudos to him! Casper Van Dien, start looking for another line of work. Your Southern drawl sucked (amongst other things) which brings me to my second nitpick: is this supposed to be Ruby, CA or Ruby, FL? The Californians sounded like Floridians (really badly): "Won't burn. Cain't shoot it." That is whenever they REMEMBERED their characters had accents.
And lastly, Dana Barron and Robert Englund. Why aren't you two retired? The surviving Dana of "The Three Danas" should think twice about scripts like these, then again it's slim pickins for someone her age. I suppose Robert probably had some debts to pay or took the role as our evil scientist out of sheer boredom. The whole chase scene through dark, pipe-lined tunnels was something I actually expected, I cannot see Zabka and Barron romantically involved, and how the hell does the chick in the shower (yet another original scene) survive the python attack and manage to find a towel at the same time? I think 3 out of 10 is way too merciful, then again I endured "Hyper Sonic" on the late Sunday night movie this summer (Zabka was in top form playing the sheisty executive, however looking healthier). Think I'll go get some Pringles make a pitcher of iced tea and watch the whole thing again. Have fun!
And lastly, Dana Barron and Robert Englund. Why aren't you two retired? The surviving Dana of "The Three Danas" should think twice about scripts like these, then again it's slim pickins for someone her age. I suppose Robert probably had some debts to pay or took the role as our evil scientist out of sheer boredom. The whole chase scene through dark, pipe-lined tunnels was something I actually expected, I cannot see Zabka and Barron romantically involved, and how the hell does the chick in the shower (yet another original scene) survive the python attack and manage to find a towel at the same time? I think 3 out of 10 is way too merciful, then again I endured "Hyper Sonic" on the late Sunday night movie this summer (Zabka was in top form playing the sheisty executive, however looking healthier). Think I'll go get some Pringles make a pitcher of iced tea and watch the whole thing again. Have fun!