Review of Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo

Yet another in the well-worn genre of the man vs nature flick. Here, a couple of ne'er do well smugglers (Hesseman and Atkins) decide to fly several thousand pounds of aged coffee beans out of Ecuador so that they can sell them for a profit in San Francisco. Sadly, the beans are infested with an army of big, furry spiders (which none of the dazed laborers seem to notice as they are shoveling the beans into bags!) When the spiders affect the plane, forcing it to crash into the outskirts of a small California town, the locals find themselves battling for their lives and livelihoods as the spiders kill off anyone who's in the path of their trek to a nearby orange packaging plant. All of the town's officials, including fire chief Akins, mayor Remson, sheriff McPeak and doctor Hingle convene to find out how best to combat them. Leading the way is local airstrip owner Frank who, with his pilot girlfriend Winters, does the most to figure out what is wrong and how best to deal with it. This film follows a tried and true formula, utilized in "It Happened at Lakewood Manor" and many other feature and television films. The plot is sketchy at best and the acting is weak. However, what really makes this one ridiculous is the fact that HUGE spiders seem to crawl around unnoticed (not to mention travel great distances in a short amount of time) and also that virtually every action sequence is handled in the most inept way possible. Rescuers take as long as they can to do anything with the plane and then a speed-freaking buffoon careens into the scene, causing mass chaos. Later, when the people have begun to figure out a way to deal with the little creepers, they go about it in such a needlessly slow and methodical way (while idiotic local extras look on) that it's instantaneously laughable! The tarantulas are definitely creepy for those who dislike that sort of thing, but the presentation here is mostly so banal and ridiculous that it becomes unintentionally funny. A rather staggering assortment of familiar television character actors fills out the cast list, many of who are still finding work today. Frank is cute as a button and approaches his role in this turkey with sincerity, as does Akins. "Trapper John M.D.'s" Seibert turns up as the town rotter, carrying on an affair with McPeak's wife and trying to thwart the extermination effort at the climax. Windust, as McPeak's adulterous wife has one roll down a hill that is screamingly hilarious. Nonetheless, the film tries to be quite serious, even exposing ubiquitous 70's child star Laborteaux to considerable danger. Another young 70's actress North, shows up in a really reprehensibly bad performance as a tarty teenager. The movie is no good, but it remains entertaining on a humorous level. It also features inexplicably jazzy (and ear-splitting) credits music by Mundell Lowe. Stay tuned for the bizarre ending in which the surviving participants' lives are shown carrying on while the closing credits pop up over them.