3/10
Stop the train—I want to get off!
9 June 2008
Warning: Spoilers
A group of American students travel to a remote part of Serbia to witness an ancient pre-Christian ritual. However, on their arrival, they discover that they have actually been lured into a trap: the freaky locals intend to offer virginal loner Beverly Putnic (Mary Kohnert) to the Devil as a bride; the rest of the students are expendable.

Fleeing the village, the group board a passing steam train, but soon learn that the locomotive is being controlled by gypsy black magic, and that their next stop will be an unscheduled rendezvous with the Satanic Serbians, who are keen to get their wedding ceremony under way.

With its ridiculous plot, a fair amount of cheesy gore, and loads of really shonky model effects, Amok Train (AKA Beyond the Door III) sounds like a bad-movie fan's idea of heaven; the first few scenes certainly had my hopes fairly high, for they feature a completely gratuitous shower scene and a dwarf—two of my 'essential ingredients' for a fun, trashy movie. Alas, despite plenty of daft moments, the film still proves to be extremely tedious, thanks to a script that, like the movie's train, goes nowhere fast.

Once the main characters have boarded the Eastern European express, the film comprises of an endless array of badly directed and monotonous action set-pieces (in which an unconvincing Hornby model frequently leaves its tracks to plough through fake plastic trees), dull scenes in which the authorities attempt to devise a plan for stopping the train (eventually coming up with the great idea of trying to derail it!!), and boring-as-hell conversation between the students, a conductor, and a spunky female thief, who makes her living stealing from the passengers.

The monotony is occasionally punctuated by some welcome scenes of outrageous gore (including a splattery 'face-peel', a body messily torn in half by a chain, an impressive impalement, and a totally crazy-bonkers-insane decapitation by the train as it thunders through a swamp!!!), but no amount of blood-letting could make up for the film's complete lack of atmosphere, awful acting, and nonsensical narrative.

The film finishes with a 'surprise' ending, in which Beverly defeats the Devil and his coven mid-ceremony by revealing that she is no longer a virgin, having been deflowered on the train by the ghost of a 16th century mute flute-playing monk (that old chestnut!).
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