Secret Window: 5 out of 10: I am not going to critique Johnny Depp. He is fine in this movie. And I certainly do not want the great wrath of woman, of various ages, down upon my head. Johnny Depp is a thespian God. He can do no wrong. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory never existed... (God he was awful in that.) Depp’s performance is the most entertaining thing is Secret Window. In fact with the exception of a wonderfully drawn Timothy Hutton in a supporting role, it is the only entertaining thing in the movie. The small cast is rounded out by Maria Bello (A 41 year old butterface that plays Depp’s, cuckolding, bitchy, soon to be ex-wife) and the usually dependable John Turturro who is a disaster.
This is a Stephen King adaption about a writer going over the edge. (If you saw the Dark Half which also starred Timothy Hutton this will definitely feel like familiar ground). The plot is a familiar train wreck. Depp is a writer going through a nasty divorce and suffering from writers block. There is a knock at the door and Turturro is at the door. With a southern drawl and an Amish tailor Turturro claims that Depp stole his story and has to make it right.
Ah plagiarism, that old plot twist standby which many a great horror novel is based on. (Or maybe not). Turtorro’s character quickly becomes a nasty bit of work as he kills Depp’s beloved dog with a screwdriver. (This isn’t really a plot spoiler. This is a Steven King adaptation, there are no kids in it to kill and the beloved dog might as well have been dressed in a metaphorical red shirt from the first scene.) This is where the movie officially lost me. Turturro is about as threatening as a Joe Pesci romantic comedy and if his character (named Shooter) killed one of my family members the next time he entered my property he would be renamed shot.
But the movie cannot let Depp kill Shooter... cause of a super secret plot twist so lame and so obvious that it’s no wonder plagiarism was at the forefront of the writer’s mind. To add insult to injury the movie actually feels it needs to drop hints at this shocking plot twist apparently under the assumption a portion of the audience sniffs glue for a living and didn’t figure it out within 10 minutes of the opening credits.
The only real surprise in the entire film is the strange Children of the Corn references (Turtorro’s character seems to be clearly channeling Malachi and the last scene is torn right from that mid-eighties classic.) Perhaps the film is meant to be homage to the fine Children of the Corn series... No greater faint praise could I imagine damning with.
This is a Stephen King adaption about a writer going over the edge. (If you saw the Dark Half which also starred Timothy Hutton this will definitely feel like familiar ground). The plot is a familiar train wreck. Depp is a writer going through a nasty divorce and suffering from writers block. There is a knock at the door and Turturro is at the door. With a southern drawl and an Amish tailor Turturro claims that Depp stole his story and has to make it right.
Ah plagiarism, that old plot twist standby which many a great horror novel is based on. (Or maybe not). Turtorro’s character quickly becomes a nasty bit of work as he kills Depp’s beloved dog with a screwdriver. (This isn’t really a plot spoiler. This is a Steven King adaptation, there are no kids in it to kill and the beloved dog might as well have been dressed in a metaphorical red shirt from the first scene.) This is where the movie officially lost me. Turturro is about as threatening as a Joe Pesci romantic comedy and if his character (named Shooter) killed one of my family members the next time he entered my property he would be renamed shot.
But the movie cannot let Depp kill Shooter... cause of a super secret plot twist so lame and so obvious that it’s no wonder plagiarism was at the forefront of the writer’s mind. To add insult to injury the movie actually feels it needs to drop hints at this shocking plot twist apparently under the assumption a portion of the audience sniffs glue for a living and didn’t figure it out within 10 minutes of the opening credits.
The only real surprise in the entire film is the strange Children of the Corn references (Turtorro’s character seems to be clearly channeling Malachi and the last scene is torn right from that mid-eighties classic.) Perhaps the film is meant to be homage to the fine Children of the Corn series... No greater faint praise could I imagine damning with.