Review of Poison Ivy II

I've just finished watching this insanely bad movie, and I'm having trouble deciding which is worse - the script or the music. It's a tough choice. I actually was in the mood for a bad movie tonight, but a fun bad movie. And that's exactly what I expected from this. Also, I watched the unrated version, so I expected a few sexy moments. Sadly, there are none. There is nothing the least bit erotic about this movie. Even if you watched it with the sound off to avoid the horrible (and horribly intrusive) music, the lighting is so bad, and the shots so poorly composed, that the sex scenes are boring and irritating. And then there's the script. Johnathon Schaech's character has slept with Alyssa Milano's character twice and then says, "I don't even know who I'm making love to anymore." Really? After sleeping with her twice? It's after a Halloween party, and they've established that she showed up to campus two weeks after the semester started. So she's been there, what, a month? The back of the DVD box calls it an erotic thriller. It's not erotic, and the director tried to make it a thriller when there was just under 13 minutes left in the film. Suddenly there is a shadow lurking outside her window, and then someone coming up the stairs, with those ridiculous early 1980s-type shots. Right before this we had the only bit in the film that made me laugh - the teacher's child suddenly running out of the house in slow motion. Oh no, is she heading toward the road? What could possibly happen here? Will there be a car? Will she get hit? Will we get the closeup of the headlights? Will her stuffed animal go flying up in the air, also in slow motion? Of course. Terrible. How do the writer and director of this film live with themselves? And at the end, Alyssa Milano's character explains everything that she's done, everything that's happened in the film, in a sort of apology to Jonathon Schaech's character, while he seemingly ignores her and continues work on his backyard sculpture. And then when she's done telling us everything that we just watched, will she walk away, only to hear Jonathon Schaech say, "I love you"? And will the music swell insanely right then? And is that the end of the film? Yes, yes, yes.