Watching this film made me regret the invention of the DVD. I really wish The Cook had been on VHS, because then I could have broken the cassette and used the tape to wipe my ass. It's THAT bad.
The story concerns a bunch of skanks who get left behind at their sorority while the other girls go Mexico for the weekend. There are three stoner skanks (Nina Fehren, Noelle Kenney and Justine Marino), a brainy skank with a face full of moles (Makinna Ridgway), a man-hungry skank (Stefanie E. Solano), a Christian skank (Brooke Lenzi), a lesbian skank (Penny Drake) and an aerobics work out skank (Kit Paquin). None of these actresses can actually, you know, act and their characters range from truly detestable to honestly annoying. A substitute cook (Mark Hengst) who speaks no English shows up at their sorority to prepare their meals for the weekend and he proceeds to kill everyone. A bunch of nonsense happens that is either logically or physically impossible and the movie thankfully ends.
Words are almost incapable of describing how horrid this film is. The writing sucks. The acting sucks. The direction sucks. The sets suck. It's not exciting. It's not scary. It's not funny. It's not sexy. There are only two things that prevent The Cook from replacing H.P. Lovecraft's Behind the Wall of Sleep as the worst movie I've ever watched.
1. There are a couple of scenes where raw meat is chopped up and fondled that are quite disgusting. The scenes are meant to be stomach-churning, so at least these filmmakers did something right.
2. While these filmmakers obviously have no talent or skill, they also obviously understand that they're making a piece of stench-ridden cinematic garbage. So, they get a couple of points for self-awareness.
One thing about The Cook makes me wonder. There is always something that these sort of no-budget, no-talent, crappy horror movies can have going for them. They can always have plenty of nudity. Even the most abominable work of cinema can find plenty of attractive women willing to take their clothes off for their big "show business break". Yet, despite having 8 reasonably pretty girls in the cast, only 2-and-a-half of them get naked and they are unclothed for a combined total of roughly one single minute. So, this pathetic trash doesn't even have enough gratuitous nudity to titillate a horny teenager.
So, while I must still admit The Cook is not the absolute worst thing I've ever seen it's damn close. It barely qualifies as filmed entertainment and should not be viewed by anyone except death row prisoners because watching it makes execution, whether it results in Hell or oblivion, seem like not that bad an idea.
The story concerns a bunch of skanks who get left behind at their sorority while the other girls go Mexico for the weekend. There are three stoner skanks (Nina Fehren, Noelle Kenney and Justine Marino), a brainy skank with a face full of moles (Makinna Ridgway), a man-hungry skank (Stefanie E. Solano), a Christian skank (Brooke Lenzi), a lesbian skank (Penny Drake) and an aerobics work out skank (Kit Paquin). None of these actresses can actually, you know, act and their characters range from truly detestable to honestly annoying. A substitute cook (Mark Hengst) who speaks no English shows up at their sorority to prepare their meals for the weekend and he proceeds to kill everyone. A bunch of nonsense happens that is either logically or physically impossible and the movie thankfully ends.
Words are almost incapable of describing how horrid this film is. The writing sucks. The acting sucks. The direction sucks. The sets suck. It's not exciting. It's not scary. It's not funny. It's not sexy. There are only two things that prevent The Cook from replacing H.P. Lovecraft's Behind the Wall of Sleep as the worst movie I've ever watched.
1. There are a couple of scenes where raw meat is chopped up and fondled that are quite disgusting. The scenes are meant to be stomach-churning, so at least these filmmakers did something right.
2. While these filmmakers obviously have no talent or skill, they also obviously understand that they're making a piece of stench-ridden cinematic garbage. So, they get a couple of points for self-awareness.
One thing about The Cook makes me wonder. There is always something that these sort of no-budget, no-talent, crappy horror movies can have going for them. They can always have plenty of nudity. Even the most abominable work of cinema can find plenty of attractive women willing to take their clothes off for their big "show business break". Yet, despite having 8 reasonably pretty girls in the cast, only 2-and-a-half of them get naked and they are unclothed for a combined total of roughly one single minute. So, this pathetic trash doesn't even have enough gratuitous nudity to titillate a horny teenager.
So, while I must still admit The Cook is not the absolute worst thing I've ever seen it's damn close. It barely qualifies as filmed entertainment and should not be viewed by anyone except death row prisoners because watching it makes execution, whether it results in Hell or oblivion, seem like not that bad an idea.