1/10
Featureless
9 October 2011
This movie had a terrific premise: The father of an isolated, poor family dies, so the family tradition is passed down to the children: the tradition of consuming human flesh!

I was expecting either a very campy horror flick, or a balls to the wall docu-drama, but all-in-all, a powerful movie.

I'm pretty objective about recent movies, so I'm not a wee bit personal, when I'm saying that this movie not just ignored all my expectations, but gave absolutely nothing instead.

Let's get one thing out of the way: the acting was terrific. Great casting choices, great performances. I admit that. But to what end?

There is so much wrong with this movie, it's easier to tell what was right. Besides the acting, the music was also pretty moving. It was terrible in this movie, but on it's own, it was pretty good music. ... Now for the bad parts: literally, everything else.

The plot. So we have this family, with a fiendish agenda. Why are they determined to eat people? did they really eat them before? If so, why do they want to stop now? What do they want to accomplish with cannibalism? What are their reasons? We never get to know.

The personal stories. What do the 3 kids want? Is Alfredo really gay? What's his history with his parents? And Julian? What drives Sabina? And the mother? Why does she think they should not eat prostitutes but something else, and why does she hates her children? Why does she do all the things she does in the movie? There's no logic in her motives. The only two characters who were remotely interesting and entertaining (two workers at the local morgue), had about 5 minutes of screen time only.

The gore. Alright. This is supposed to be a cannibal movie. It's okay to have no gore, if we have a strong story, or the movie takes a turn, and just starts to show the story from a different perspective. Which it doesn't. Also, no consumption of human flesh is shown. There are some very violent scenes, but since there is no one to care about in this movie, they are absolutely weightless.

The cinematography. Good god. There were some pretty nifty camera movements, and they didn't even come off as gimmicky, self-righteous idiotism. Respect for that. Too bad, the lighting just destroyed all of the shots. Seriously, I don't think I ever seen a movie as badly lighted as this one. It wasn't just dark, most times it was pitch black, with a very short depth of field. It was confusing to say the least, and stupid to be fair.

The direction. What were you thinking? No, that is not just a theatrical question. I'd like to know what was the aim of this movie? What were the reasons behind it?

In this movie, We know nothing, we see nothing, and we care about no one.

I rarely say this, but probably this was the most eventless 90 minutes of my life.
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