In Damnation alley we see Jan Michael Vincent (Stringfellow Haweye from Airwolf) and George Peppard (Hannibal from the A team) acting alongside each other. Well, acting... that's such a strong word. They're on screen and read lines, let's be honest about it.
Anyway, in this sorry little screen-filler the US and Russia have destroyed the world with all out nuclear war, which is shown in the first couple of scenes. This is where things already start going terribly wrong. Nuclear war has never been portrayed with less emotion than this. No one on the military base seems to be shocked or even really mind this is happening. We only see a couple of explosions while a bored voice reads out the names of cities that have been hit, and everybody is watching as if they're looking at an episode of "Little house on the prairie".
A couple of years pass, and we join the action again when the world is starting to recover a little bit. We see Jan Michael Vincent ride back to the base on a motorbike with a girl riding on the back, when they get attacked by giant scorpions, a special effects sequence that is one of the most embarrassing I've ever seen in a movie. Some people might say that I shouldn't pick on that because it's an old movie, but when you keep in mind that the 1950s version of War of the Worlds had more convincing special effects than this movie, you can't really defend the quality as a product of its time. It was dated and unconvincing then, it's absolutely terrible to watch now.
So, moving on. The bunker that survived the nuclear holocaust then explodes because of some dude dropping a cigarette on a playboy centerfold poster. I'm not making this up, that's what actually happens. So with no base to live in anymore, the four survivors decide to move out in two heavily armoured trucks that consist of two parts each held together by what seems to be a piece of table linen. Table linen is of course known for its amazing strength and capability of keeping radiation outside. But sure I could have accepted that.
What I find more baffling is that no such expedition has apparently been undertaken before. Everybody just decided to keep hanging round at the base, even though they owned completely functioning anti-radiation vehicles. Those must have been some pretty good issues of Playboy.
So I will try to continue the absurd plot line, which thankfully, but weirdly, didn't involve any more giant scorpions. They move into the nuclear wasteland en route to Albany, when they get hit by a storm that destroys one of the trucks, and kills one of the crew members. No real drama in that scene, it just sort of happens and then we move on. They move out to Vegas and find a woman living there. She offers to explain how she survived, but she never does. Instead we get her telling us about the singing career she was pursuing before the nuclear war. But then we never hear her sing.
Before they meet the woman however there is one slightly well done scene where the three men from the army base play the slot machines like children gone crazy, and in the background we hear people laughing and talking, as if the casino is still as busy as it used to be. Thank god for one decent idea, if not wholly original.
Anyway, at the next village they get attacked by 2 inch long cockroaches, which leads one of the men to say "they are huge", even though he's been living in a desert infested by scorpions as big as alligators. Luckily, and predictably, he then gets eaten by the cockroaches. Although he was best friends with the Jan Michael Vincent character, he is never mentioned again. The three survivors escape, and pick up this young boy who has been living on his own in the desert. He agrees to join them if he can learn to ride the motorcycle Jan Michael Vincent brought with him on the trip. Another thing we never actually see happen in the movie, although later he is offered to drive the armoured vehicle.
We then get the inevitable evil survivors scene, where they run into three hicks who survived the nuclear war as well, and who try to rape the lady they picked up in Vegas. The young boy saves the day and they drive on to Detroit. Las Vegas - Detroit - Albany. Seems like a little strange route to take, but maybe that's because they have to go around "Damnation Alley", I don't know. The whole damnation alley is never explained at all in the film, so it could run from Texas to Iowa or something.
Then of course while in Detroit, they get hit by a tidal wave. What? Yes you heard me, somehow the sea made it all the way over the rocky's and hits Detroit. The vehicle, which is broken then almost gets destroyed by the water, but they survive. And hey presto, they're on dry land, and about a two minute drive by motorbike from Albany, which somehow is the only place in America that has not been affected at all by the nuclear holocaust.
Now, I really like B movies, even when they are absurd. Especially when they are absurd actually. But this one is just inconsistent, incoherent, and boring. The events described above are all presented to the viewer in an utterly unconvincing and unentertaining way. I was surprised I actually made it to the end. If you're considering watching it, don't. It's a waste of time and will just leave you wondering, what the hell was the point of all that?
Anyway, in this sorry little screen-filler the US and Russia have destroyed the world with all out nuclear war, which is shown in the first couple of scenes. This is where things already start going terribly wrong. Nuclear war has never been portrayed with less emotion than this. No one on the military base seems to be shocked or even really mind this is happening. We only see a couple of explosions while a bored voice reads out the names of cities that have been hit, and everybody is watching as if they're looking at an episode of "Little house on the prairie".
A couple of years pass, and we join the action again when the world is starting to recover a little bit. We see Jan Michael Vincent ride back to the base on a motorbike with a girl riding on the back, when they get attacked by giant scorpions, a special effects sequence that is one of the most embarrassing I've ever seen in a movie. Some people might say that I shouldn't pick on that because it's an old movie, but when you keep in mind that the 1950s version of War of the Worlds had more convincing special effects than this movie, you can't really defend the quality as a product of its time. It was dated and unconvincing then, it's absolutely terrible to watch now.
So, moving on. The bunker that survived the nuclear holocaust then explodes because of some dude dropping a cigarette on a playboy centerfold poster. I'm not making this up, that's what actually happens. So with no base to live in anymore, the four survivors decide to move out in two heavily armoured trucks that consist of two parts each held together by what seems to be a piece of table linen. Table linen is of course known for its amazing strength and capability of keeping radiation outside. But sure I could have accepted that.
What I find more baffling is that no such expedition has apparently been undertaken before. Everybody just decided to keep hanging round at the base, even though they owned completely functioning anti-radiation vehicles. Those must have been some pretty good issues of Playboy.
So I will try to continue the absurd plot line, which thankfully, but weirdly, didn't involve any more giant scorpions. They move into the nuclear wasteland en route to Albany, when they get hit by a storm that destroys one of the trucks, and kills one of the crew members. No real drama in that scene, it just sort of happens and then we move on. They move out to Vegas and find a woman living there. She offers to explain how she survived, but she never does. Instead we get her telling us about the singing career she was pursuing before the nuclear war. But then we never hear her sing.
Before they meet the woman however there is one slightly well done scene where the three men from the army base play the slot machines like children gone crazy, and in the background we hear people laughing and talking, as if the casino is still as busy as it used to be. Thank god for one decent idea, if not wholly original.
Anyway, at the next village they get attacked by 2 inch long cockroaches, which leads one of the men to say "they are huge", even though he's been living in a desert infested by scorpions as big as alligators. Luckily, and predictably, he then gets eaten by the cockroaches. Although he was best friends with the Jan Michael Vincent character, he is never mentioned again. The three survivors escape, and pick up this young boy who has been living on his own in the desert. He agrees to join them if he can learn to ride the motorcycle Jan Michael Vincent brought with him on the trip. Another thing we never actually see happen in the movie, although later he is offered to drive the armoured vehicle.
We then get the inevitable evil survivors scene, where they run into three hicks who survived the nuclear war as well, and who try to rape the lady they picked up in Vegas. The young boy saves the day and they drive on to Detroit. Las Vegas - Detroit - Albany. Seems like a little strange route to take, but maybe that's because they have to go around "Damnation Alley", I don't know. The whole damnation alley is never explained at all in the film, so it could run from Texas to Iowa or something.
Then of course while in Detroit, they get hit by a tidal wave. What? Yes you heard me, somehow the sea made it all the way over the rocky's and hits Detroit. The vehicle, which is broken then almost gets destroyed by the water, but they survive. And hey presto, they're on dry land, and about a two minute drive by motorbike from Albany, which somehow is the only place in America that has not been affected at all by the nuclear holocaust.
Now, I really like B movies, even when they are absurd. Especially when they are absurd actually. But this one is just inconsistent, incoherent, and boring. The events described above are all presented to the viewer in an utterly unconvincing and unentertaining way. I was surprised I actually made it to the end. If you're considering watching it, don't. It's a waste of time and will just leave you wondering, what the hell was the point of all that?