Review of Chained

Chained (I) (2012)
3/10
One boring "arthouse" film
17 November 2013
This movie is just plain bad. Sure, you could do a lot worse, but you could do a lot better as well. This movie is just plain boring from start to finish. It clearly tries to be an indie art-house film, with its sepia tone throughout. However, it never makes a point or portrays anything meaningful.

Basically, its about a batsh*t insane cab-driver who kidnaps women and kills them. He keeps a boy hostage to clean up the mess, because apparently hes so lazy that he needs an underage child to do it for him. Villains like this are so one-dimensional; its like I'm watching Scooby-Doo all over again. Oh, and the ending is completely unnecessary. It tries to surprise you with a "shock" ending, but instead it makes you sigh in disappointment. Its like a brain-damaged orangutan wrote this script, who is also an infant.

People who praise the film say it makes you think. About what? Child abuse? Yeah, people abuse their kids, but that looks nothing like this. This movie couldn't be more shallow. All it does is make the main character as pitiful as humanly possible. Its just like the Kony 2012 scam. It plays at your heart strings but does nothing constructive with your emotionally vulnerable state. This movie is like the Passion of the Christ, because it doesn't make you feel anything except pity for the character.

People who praise the film will try to convince you that haters just dislike it because there is no brainless slasher killer and big boobed bimbos. No, sorry, I dislike the film because there is no point, no character development, no logic and no anything else. The only thing this movie does is make you feel bad. That's it. I could make a movie that makes you feel bad. Have you ever watched those minute long commercials on the TV that shows puppy-eyed starving African children? At least those have something meaningful to say, unlike this film.

I will give this film a few stars, because some of the actors were OK and because (at the very least) the movie makes you feel something.

If you want to watch movies with "Oh, so much meaning! It gives me the feels!", try watching The Orphanage, which (unlike this picture) is actually intelligent and scary.

I'll never understand why films like this are dubbed horror. Its not scary, nor is it that gory either. Its actually tedious, which would be the best word to describe this movie. Tedious.
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