SPOILER ALERT! This movie was awful. I'm a guy who loves "people" movies where the characters grow in some way. Movies that women like. Touching movies. But this movie was horrendous and amateurish. It does everything a screenplay shouldn't do. The narration/exposition shortcuts, the predictability, the dialogue that is not believable, and most of all, the main character was not likable. My 13 year old daughter was actually laughing at the first five minutes of the movie. I kept checking a screenplay I'm working on to make sure my story was believable and not as corny. I got this weird feeling in my stomach that if I put something out like "The Mermaid Chair" I would be totally embarrassed. No... humiliated. The husband and the monk were so alike they could be brothers. They were both so passive (except when the husband saw the painting of his wife and the monk nude together). They were only outdone by Kim Basinger's trance-like tranquilized narration. I noticed the husband was the only one who knew how to operate a stove both before and after her affair with the monk. It really bugged me when the old couple asks the protagonist (Kim B) about the monastery so she could explain to us about it and how she grew up there. Ugh! Her mother cuts her finger off on purpose and the ladies (I thought I was watching "The View") joke about Vincent Van Gogh and mayonnaise jars. By the way, the women are solidly behind Kim having an affair with the monk. We have a black woman with some magical stuff, African drums and dancing, some neat mermaid/Catholic saint mysterious stuff/boat-journey symbolism, tearing up of old paintings, a monk sanctioned mercy killing, a retarded girl who says "you're in love" to Kim B. and she says something like "I know things or see things" sort of like "I see dead people", but more like "I see morally dead people", blah, blah, blah...So anyway, she meets the monk in minute 10, instantly locks eyes with him (I think she liked the hoodie and I think he had his eye on something besides the fishnets). In minute 18 she sees him again... oh the longing... minute 24 he sends her a note asking her out on a date to a rookery, which is a colony of breeding birds... that had to be a tipoff something was going to happen... so by minute 40 after these short meetings, they are having sex in the rookery... sort of hooking at the rookery. Well, that's where animals breed, so I guess it makes sense. At minute 52, Kim Basinger finally realizes her lines are so lame she says "everything I say is going to sound so shallow". But it was too late by then. They shot most of the movie. So anyway, the mother explains what happened to Kim's father, but it doesn't really matter in the story... other than I can't believe they would just destroy a perfectly good fishing boat like that (I'm not going to spoil that part for you). Somehow they knew that if you took off the battery cable, the boat would hit choppy water and a spark would result, burning up the father and the boat. No police investigation. And what if the boat had hit another boat with a family out for a nice ride in their boat... two innocent little children, a faithful husband and wife... very irresponsible. Here's the lines: "Mommy, why is the boat that's on fire coming at us so fast?" "Don't worry honey, the monks are just practicing shooting off fireworks for the Fourth of July". "No-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!!" CRASH! (indistinct screams) Katy Perry's "Firework" plays in the background. Okay... a bunch of other stuff happens and at the end, the husband is cooking breakfast again for his wife. Hopefully he is cooking it better than before so that she won't feel so trapped and run off with a minister or something. Wait a minute! She is still at it! She cheated on Sylvester Stallone with Robert DeNiro in "Grudge Match". Man. She's always apologizing. I gotta tell ya, I thought we had enough of this stuff with the "Thornbirds".
Review of The Mermaid Chair
