Okay: full disclosure. First, I knew this two-parter was going to be terrible before ever I watched it. I skimmed the reviews. I visited the Wikipedia page. I blinked a few times and reminded myself that it was a Scify production. Then I shrugged, clicked through to Tahmoh Penikett's IMDb bio, and, while staring at his Blue Steel headshot, said to myself, "We'll just crack a bottle of wine and enjoy this silliness for what it is."
Subsequently, after having pregamed with a couple of pinot noirs, I loaded up part 1 of this goofy film. And I was neither disappointed nor surprised. dmaboyer says in their review that that whether or not you enjoy this film depends on whether you're a "Riverworld" purist. Pfft. I've never read the books, and I'll be the first to admit that this was a tremendously stupid adaptation. Things blow up. Matt Ellman is shirtless, but only for about... ugh, 20 seconds. People drag themselves out of a river. Alan Cumming has a blue face but does not transport. I honestly couldn't tell whether Matt was the protagonist or the antagonist. There is a steam-powered riverboat... no wait, a nuclear fusion powered riverboat. There are historical figures, courtesans, genius engineers, conquistadors. Apparently there is the apocalypse, but Riverworld's occupants don't arrive in a linear fashion so we never get to see it. There are token *gAY MeN AND PEOPle oF COLOr*. The effects and direction are awful. White people with large armies even manage to ruin the afterlife. A scene- gnawing Bond villain, a secondary female character tragically in love with Matt, an unfindable blonde love. Ugh. The cast seems to be composed of otherwise talented Canadian actors reciting horribly, despicably deadpan lines from a script that drips with sexist undertones.
And frankly, friends, after a bottle of wine, I'm inclined to think the high point of this poorly written travesty is the scene - possibly contractually obligated - wherein Tahmoh Penikett does a bit of boxing practice while chained up by Francisco Pizarro, with a definitive focus on the laces of Matt's military boots. (Yeah, I have no problem admitting that it wouldn't be a satisfying Penikett production without a few delightfully precise bounces and jabs. My only regret is that, in this movie, they are delivered while his shirt is still ON.) The rest is just filler. Why are all these dead people from the past and future in the same world? Is this some kind of inside joke about Battlestar Galactica? Are you mocking mac and cheese as a comfort food? Can I insert a picture of that guy from "Ancient Aliens"? Honestly, it doesn't matter. Everyone's apparently dead.
And I haven't yet found a way to watch part 2, but I assume I'm not missing much. Perhaps someday I'll get around to it, and I assure you, I'll update this review if I do. In the meantime, my advice? Watch this movie for the same reasons you'd watch "Stonehenge Apocalypse," and at the same level of intoxication. Don't heighten your expectations, and you won't be disappointed. There's too much to laugh at.
Subsequently, after having pregamed with a couple of pinot noirs, I loaded up part 1 of this goofy film. And I was neither disappointed nor surprised. dmaboyer says in their review that that whether or not you enjoy this film depends on whether you're a "Riverworld" purist. Pfft. I've never read the books, and I'll be the first to admit that this was a tremendously stupid adaptation. Things blow up. Matt Ellman is shirtless, but only for about... ugh, 20 seconds. People drag themselves out of a river. Alan Cumming has a blue face but does not transport. I honestly couldn't tell whether Matt was the protagonist or the antagonist. There is a steam-powered riverboat... no wait, a nuclear fusion powered riverboat. There are historical figures, courtesans, genius engineers, conquistadors. Apparently there is the apocalypse, but Riverworld's occupants don't arrive in a linear fashion so we never get to see it. There are token *gAY MeN AND PEOPle oF COLOr*. The effects and direction are awful. White people with large armies even manage to ruin the afterlife. A scene- gnawing Bond villain, a secondary female character tragically in love with Matt, an unfindable blonde love. Ugh. The cast seems to be composed of otherwise talented Canadian actors reciting horribly, despicably deadpan lines from a script that drips with sexist undertones.
And frankly, friends, after a bottle of wine, I'm inclined to think the high point of this poorly written travesty is the scene - possibly contractually obligated - wherein Tahmoh Penikett does a bit of boxing practice while chained up by Francisco Pizarro, with a definitive focus on the laces of Matt's military boots. (Yeah, I have no problem admitting that it wouldn't be a satisfying Penikett production without a few delightfully precise bounces and jabs. My only regret is that, in this movie, they are delivered while his shirt is still ON.) The rest is just filler. Why are all these dead people from the past and future in the same world? Is this some kind of inside joke about Battlestar Galactica? Are you mocking mac and cheese as a comfort food? Can I insert a picture of that guy from "Ancient Aliens"? Honestly, it doesn't matter. Everyone's apparently dead.
And I haven't yet found a way to watch part 2, but I assume I'm not missing much. Perhaps someday I'll get around to it, and I assure you, I'll update this review if I do. In the meantime, my advice? Watch this movie for the same reasons you'd watch "Stonehenge Apocalypse," and at the same level of intoxication. Don't heighten your expectations, and you won't be disappointed. There's too much to laugh at.