Altar (2014)
2/10
Horrendous
28 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
This is genuinely one of the worst films I have ever seen. Reviews are usually over- exaggerated with ratings but I can assure you 2/10 is very generous; the only reason I've refrained from giving it 1/10 is that I was laughing at most scenes. The plot was poor, under-developed and obvious (just like the characters) and the script was really lazy. I was already playing cliché bingo thirty seconds into the film as the generic movie family drive into the deserted old spooky mansion at night. If I tried to identify all the clichés in the pile of crap I would surely exceed the thousand word limit imposed on me. On to the characters. The protagonist is really dumb and frequently acts in a very irrational way. There is one scene which comes to mind in which she is pretty much raped by her obviously-crazy husband (this is after he rubs blood on her back and takes pictures if her in the shower) and then the morning after she's addressing him normally again and seems completely fine. One thing I can say is that the acting isn't too bad. It isn't good, but it certainly isn't terrible considering what the actors had to work with. The young kid isn't seen much in the film until the end, but the archetypal 'moody misunderstood teen girl' features often and the actress does an okay job. The father is no Jack Nicholson, although he does his best to replicate his performance in "The Shining", which most of the story is basically lifted from anyway. Plot devices and conveniences are used often and it is through these devices that the audience are spoon-fed the details of the (obvious) plot. They even go so far as having the old thick-accented local Yorkshireman who mumbles a warning to the naturally non- superstitious protagonist about ghostly occurrences or whatever. Later on, a random ghost hunter appears out of nowhere for the sole purpose of developing the confusing plot. It's quite funny how he appears, explains why there's a ghost and then vanishes again; it's nothing but lazy writing. There is so much obvious foreshadowing that you could probably work out the entire plot before the title sequences. Why have re-incorporation if you make obvious what you're going to re-incorporate? Finally, the ending. Oh god, the ending. It quite literally gave me a brain aneurysm. I genuinely felt my brain cells dying. Why does every horror movie feel the need to add a ridiculous twist to the end of a film? As if the other hour-and-a-half of clichés wasn't enough the director decided to eliminate every last shed of credibility this film had by including this atrocious final sequence.

Please, DON'T watch this film. It's not scary at all and you will find yourself confused, angry and bewildered by the bad writing.
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