Review of Tank

Tank (1984)
7/10
sTank
6 October 2019
This is another one of those movies I never bothered to watch around the time it came out as, even by my 15 year-olds standards, the thing looked dumb as hell and seriously corny. As part of my quest to watch every cheeseball action flick from the 80's through a set of adult eyes, this one was actually on my active list of movies to find a cheap copy of, recalling that it was somewhat popular at the time and, for $0.25 at a local thrift store, I was both able to accomplish the tasks of crossing this one off the list and reflecting that, even as a 15 year-old, I could judge a book by its cover pretty good. I mean, just look at the cover of the box! If that picture of James Garner giving the "thumbs up" and the kid doing the "hell yeah!" doesn't give you a clue of what you're in for, then I don't know what can.

So this is one of those movies where some people might say, "they sure don't make them like this anymore", to which I would have to disagree. Considering the ridiculous plot, the fact that nothing anybody does or what goes down would ever happen in real life and the complete absence of common sense or realism in any way, shape, or form, I'd say it is very much in keeping with the low IQ crap that gets churned out these days and may have been ahead of its time. I can see why the sheriff was on such a power trip, though, since, if the base was in Fort Benning and his county extended to the Tennessee state line, the guy was in charge of hundreds and hundreds of square miles. I'm surprised he didn't have a bigger jail and more deputies and even more surprised that James Garner didn't just drive into Alabama--not that he wouldn't have been blown to pieces before he even got to the fence at the perimeter of the base! I could go on and on about the plot holes large enough to drive a Sherman tank through and, as far as this movie is concerned, does. It's completely ridiculous but, while it technically deserves maybe two or three stars at best, I'm giving it seven because it either had my palm to my forehead or laughing my ass off. Really dumb, cheesy stuff for fans of really dumb, cheesy stuff! If you are in the mood for a serious 1980's crap-fest, then find a cheap copy somewhere and prepare to be stunned by the shear dumbassitude.
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