"Heiraten macht mich nervös", which means "Marrying makes me nervous", is a German television film from 2005. The director is Ariane Zeller and if you take a look at the fact that she started her career with GZSZ and continued with one trashy stupid romance comedy after the next, then you know very well that you should not expect one bit of quality in these 1.5 hours here. The inclusion of writer Doris J. Heinze is not making things better, at least if we take a look at everything else she wrote. 100% garbage too. If we look at her works as a producer, it is perhaps slightly better. Anyway, good news is that Heinze is at least retired now apparently while Zeller is coming up with more nonsense. I am speaking specifically about this film here because it was on television today and one thing is that this film was even released at all, but there is absolutely no valid explanation that it is still shown on televison 1.5 decades after its initial release. It is indeed as bad as the clumsy title already suggests. Of course said title is meant in a funny way because of how awkward it sounds and because marrying should not make anybody nervous and because it sounds as if it is something you do all the time, but it's not true because, if at all, you are just married all the time, but you don't get married all the time all the time. Well, unless you're Judy Garland perhaps. So yeah, the title here (I am usually not talking too much about it, but it is just so fitting this time) already shows you how bad the comedy approach for this film is. As for the cast. Lead actress is Suzan Anbeh. I do think she is somewhat stunning in fact, but that's all the positive I can say. Saw her in other equally trashy films like this one and she is definitely not a good actress. Never makes the character interesting or credible one bit and, in fact, she manages the opposite because there are like three scenes perhaps where she is really really bad and it is cringeworthy to watch her. One of her love interests here is Gregor Törzs and same is true about him. Not a talented actor at all and his body of work speaks for itself. Thure Riefenstein is probably a bit better, but also not exactly good. One who is as bad as always is Gaby Dohm playing the main character's mother. As always, she has no clue about subtlety, goes over the top in every single scene she has and it is truly embarrassing to watch. The good news is that here in this film, she is just a supporting player and does not have a lot of screen time compared to other films where she is at the key of the story. But yeah, as with every film she is in, she is among the very worst aspects. She does not need a lot of screen time to assure that. The scene when she can't shut up and tells everybody at the wedding about the engagement is telling enough. Her husband is played by Hanns Zischler. I think he is a good actor. But yeah he plays pretty much a nothing character here. The script gives him no possibility to shine, so also Zischler fans should skip the watch here.
Next I will mention a few elements and twists of the story that made this a really cringeworthy watch. Just take the general idea here about everything linked to marriage and wedding. Nothing makes sense, nothing is realistic, especially that final explanation from the couple standing atg the altar already and telling everybody no we do not get married. But hey, they did not care either and just had a party afterwards. Are they for real? Next up would be Anbeh's and Törzs' characters' backgrounds. Okay yes she is of course a successful equestrian very ambitious to get to the Olympic Games. This is exaggerated enough already, but when with the final shot, they even shove into our faces that she won the gold medal (can I even be surprised?), this is outrageous honestly. His acting background isn't any better. Making films with Sandra Bullock? Hear, hear! If I was Sandy, I would sue the makers of this travesty for using my good name. And I am not even a Bullock fan, actually I think she is pretty overrated, but I guess they simply took somebody that everybody knows, especially back in 2005. Also between the same two characters again, it felt strange that they are a couple even. They realize it at the end as well, but they would not be together had there not been love and honestly, there is not a single scene when they are really 100% harmonic. The female is always mad haha. This film is somewhat funny actually with how bad it is and how seriously it takes itself. Alright, there is more. Of course, the female protagonist catches the bouquet early on. Of course, we are also led to believe the yellow press cares for the clowns in this movie. And of course, as always the soundtrack is trash, the ending is super unrealistic and super unauthentic. It is a travesty that all these terrible films (hundreds, probably thousands) were produced, financed and aired by those German television channels that people are literally forced to pay a double digit amount each and every month. And if they refuse to give money for them to make more of this nonsense, then they are taken to court. A crime if you ask me. That people have to pay for this I mean. Of course, the pseudo drama if she will marry the actor or (of course) get together with her childhood friend, is also a key factor why this film sucks. Everybody knows who she will be with. Or well, at least people with an IQ over 50 do. The childhood friend also, to show us how much of a desired man he is, has his own potential suitor and she is close to the female main character and of course she enters the room when the two make out. Drama! She is also the one telling us very early on how handsome he is. Nothing unusual that women close to the protagonist make such statements and that the actual protagonist is hesitant to agree. She does not take everybody of course. But she is somewhat interested, asks questions when they are out together that imply she wants to know if he has another woman. Very bad acting there too by the way, also how he smells her intention. She is a distinguished woman! Just like the females housewives who watch this film and consider it quality consider themselves distinguished women too. Haha. So yeah, what else is there to say? This film is an outrage, movies can't get much worse than the one you see here. The worst aspect, however, is the sexism. When women make out with men in these films while they are in a relationship it is justified because it is true love, because their original partners cannot give them what they want, don't treat them like princesses etc. (here he leaves for a film shooting), but when men do the same, it is despicable cheating and they deserve all the humiliation and have to beg and be on their knees for their amazing woman to take them back. Sigh. Double standards of the worst kind. Fat thumbs-down for this film. Highly not recommended and the other reviewer is completely correct.
Next I will mention a few elements and twists of the story that made this a really cringeworthy watch. Just take the general idea here about everything linked to marriage and wedding. Nothing makes sense, nothing is realistic, especially that final explanation from the couple standing atg the altar already and telling everybody no we do not get married. But hey, they did not care either and just had a party afterwards. Are they for real? Next up would be Anbeh's and Törzs' characters' backgrounds. Okay yes she is of course a successful equestrian very ambitious to get to the Olympic Games. This is exaggerated enough already, but when with the final shot, they even shove into our faces that she won the gold medal (can I even be surprised?), this is outrageous honestly. His acting background isn't any better. Making films with Sandra Bullock? Hear, hear! If I was Sandy, I would sue the makers of this travesty for using my good name. And I am not even a Bullock fan, actually I think she is pretty overrated, but I guess they simply took somebody that everybody knows, especially back in 2005. Also between the same two characters again, it felt strange that they are a couple even. They realize it at the end as well, but they would not be together had there not been love and honestly, there is not a single scene when they are really 100% harmonic. The female is always mad haha. This film is somewhat funny actually with how bad it is and how seriously it takes itself. Alright, there is more. Of course, the female protagonist catches the bouquet early on. Of course, we are also led to believe the yellow press cares for the clowns in this movie. And of course, as always the soundtrack is trash, the ending is super unrealistic and super unauthentic. It is a travesty that all these terrible films (hundreds, probably thousands) were produced, financed and aired by those German television channels that people are literally forced to pay a double digit amount each and every month. And if they refuse to give money for them to make more of this nonsense, then they are taken to court. A crime if you ask me. That people have to pay for this I mean. Of course, the pseudo drama if she will marry the actor or (of course) get together with her childhood friend, is also a key factor why this film sucks. Everybody knows who she will be with. Or well, at least people with an IQ over 50 do. The childhood friend also, to show us how much of a desired man he is, has his own potential suitor and she is close to the female main character and of course she enters the room when the two make out. Drama! She is also the one telling us very early on how handsome he is. Nothing unusual that women close to the protagonist make such statements and that the actual protagonist is hesitant to agree. She does not take everybody of course. But she is somewhat interested, asks questions when they are out together that imply she wants to know if he has another woman. Very bad acting there too by the way, also how he smells her intention. She is a distinguished woman! Just like the females housewives who watch this film and consider it quality consider themselves distinguished women too. Haha. So yeah, what else is there to say? This film is an outrage, movies can't get much worse than the one you see here. The worst aspect, however, is the sexism. When women make out with men in these films while they are in a relationship it is justified because it is true love, because their original partners cannot give them what they want, don't treat them like princesses etc. (here he leaves for a film shooting), but when men do the same, it is despicable cheating and they deserve all the humiliation and have to beg and be on their knees for their amazing woman to take them back. Sigh. Double standards of the worst kind. Fat thumbs-down for this film. Highly not recommended and the other reviewer is completely correct.