The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Attempted Marriage (1962)
Sandy Kenyon: Doctor
Quotes
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Doctor : [patching up Rob's sprained ankle] There you are. And have you been using your cane, Sergeant?
[Rob doesn't respond]
Doctor : Sergeant? Sergeant?
Rob Petrie : Sir?
Doctor : Is there anything wrong with your hearing?
Rob Petrie : [about his cast] No, no. It feels fine. It's not even tight.
Doctor : I said is there anything wrong with your hearing?
Rob Petrie : Oh, uh, no, sir, I...
[coughs]
Rob Petrie : Excuse me.
[hoarsely]
Rob Petrie : I think I got a little soap in my ear when I showered this morning.
[coughs]
Doctor : How does your throat feel?
Rob Petrie : Huh, sir?
Doctor : I said how does your throat feel?
Rob Petrie : Oh, it's...
[tries to answer the question but only coughs]
Rob Petrie : What was the question?
Doctor : I SAID HOW DOES YOUR THROAT FEEL?
Rob Petrie : Oh, it feels fine, fine.
Doctor : I think we better have a peek at your throat and ear.
Rob Petrie : [coughs] Sir, I don't have time to. I've got to get over to the chapel.
[the doctor wants him to open his mouth for inspection, but Rob continues to talk]
Doctor : Please, Sergeant!
[examines Rob's mouth]
Doctor : A-ha.
[later on, when he's examining Rob with a stethoscope]
Doctor : Now breathe through your mouth.
[Rob inhales through his mouth and coughs]
Doctor : Again.
[Rob does so]
Doctor : That's fine, Sergeant.
Rob Petrie : Well, can I stop breathing now?
Doctor : Yes. Corporal? You're a sick man, Sergeant. You have a nice upper respiratory infection.
Rob Petrie : Oh, well, I have that all the time. It's constant.
Corporal : Yes, Captain?
Doctor : It looks like we got a little epidemic brewing. I think you'll have to spend a few days in the hospital.
Rob Petrie : No, Doctor, I can't stay in the hospital. I've got to get over to the chapel.
Doctor : Well, you'll just have to miss chapel this week.
Rob Petrie : No, Doctor, you don't understand. I've got to go over. I've got to get married.
Doctor : Oh?
Rob Petrie : No, no. You see, what happened was I disappointed her last week. On account of my sprained ankle, I didn't show up. If I don't show up this time, she'll think I'm backing out, Doc. Couldn't you just let me get married and come right back? It shouldn't take over an hour.
Doctor : I'm afraid not. Now you'll just have to phone your fiancee and tell her she'll have to remain a fiancee for at least another week.
Rob Petrie : Another week?
[coughs]
Doctor : Easy, Sergeant. Right over here. There you go. Come on, Corporal, the sergeant has a personal call to make.