The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

The Attempted Marriage (1962)

Ray Kellogg: Corporal

Quotes 

• Doctor : [patching up Rob's sprained ankle]  There you are. And have you been using your cane, Sergeant?

  [Rob doesn't respond] 

  Doctor : Sergeant? Sergeant?

  Rob Petrie : Sir?

  Doctor : Is there anything wrong with your hearing?

  Rob Petrie : [about his cast]  No, no. It feels fine. It's not even tight.

  Doctor : I said is there anything wrong with your hearing?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, uh, no, sir, I...

  [coughs] 

  Rob Petrie : Excuse me.

  [hoarsely] 

  Rob Petrie : I think I got a little soap in my ear when I showered this morning.

  [coughs] 

  Doctor : How does your throat feel?

  Rob Petrie : Huh, sir?

  Doctor : I said how does your throat feel?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, it's...

  [tries to answer the question but only coughs] 

  Rob Petrie : What was the question?

  Doctor : I SAID HOW DOES YOUR THROAT FEEL?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, it feels fine, fine.

  Doctor : I think we better have a peek at your throat and ear.

  Rob Petrie : [coughs]  Sir, I don't have time to. I've got to get over to the chapel.

  [the doctor wants him to open his mouth for inspection, but Rob continues to talk] 

  Doctor : Please, Sergeant!

  [examines Rob's mouth] 

  Doctor : A-ha.

  [later on, when he's examining Rob with a stethoscope] 

  Doctor : Now breathe through your mouth.

  [Rob inhales through his mouth and coughs] 

  Doctor : Again.

  [Rob does so] 

  Doctor : That's fine, Sergeant.

  Rob Petrie : Well, can I stop breathing now?

  Doctor : Yes. Corporal? You're a sick man, Sergeant. You have a nice upper respiratory infection.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, well, I have that all the time. It's constant.

  Corporal : Yes, Captain?

  Doctor : It looks like we got a little epidemic brewing. I think you'll have to spend a few days in the hospital.

  Rob Petrie : No, Doctor, I can't stay in the hospital. I've got to get over to the chapel.

  Doctor : Well, you'll just have to miss chapel this week.

  Rob Petrie : No, Doctor, you don't understand. I've got to go over. I've got to get married.

  Doctor : Oh?

  Rob Petrie : No, no. You see, what happened was I disappointed her last week. On account of my sprained ankle, I didn't show up. If I don't show up this time, she'll think I'm backing out, Doc. Couldn't you just let me get married and come right back? It shouldn't take over an hour.

  Doctor : I'm afraid not. Now you'll just have to phone your fiancee and tell her she'll have to remain a fiancee for at least another week.

  Rob Petrie : Another week?

  [coughs] 

  Doctor : Easy, Sergeant. Right over here. There you go. Come on, Corporal, the sergeant has a personal call to make.