Frasier (TV Series)

The Matchmaker (1994)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : [on Daphne]  She's just having trouble finding men.

  Roz : [whips out her little black book]  Say no more!

  Frasier : No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.

  Roz : Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.

  Frasier : But still, one hates to break up a collection.

  [Niles brings coffees] 

  Roz : Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.

  Frasier : I don't think so.

  Roz : Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.

  Frasier : A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.

  Roz : Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.

  Niles : Looking for what?

  Roz : I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.

  Niles : What?

  Roz : Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.

  Niles : Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?

  Roz : Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.

  Niles : Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?

  Roz : [furious]  Listen, you little titmouse...!

  Frasier : All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...

  Roz : Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?

  Frasier : No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.

  Roz : [getting up]  Oh, I'm out of here.

  Frasier : Oh, Roz, please wait.

  Roz : [storming out]  Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!

• Tom Duran : It must be all in my head, but I sense that you have a problem with me dating Frasier.

  Niles : Well, if you must know... I'm sorry, what was the question?

  Tom Duran : Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?

  Niles : [pauses]  No.

• Niles : Frasier, I must apologize; I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

• Niles : There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.

  Frasier : Yes, what is it?

  Niles : Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen, and he told me he's interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, BUT the object of his affections is not Daphne.

  Frasier : Damn that Roz!

  Niles : No, no. It's YOU.

  Frasier : Me? That's impossible. Tom's not gay.

  Niles : He seems to be under that impression.

  Frasier : Well... what on earth could have made him think that I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theater, and men's fashions - oh, my god. Niles, do you realize what this means?

  Niles : Yes, you're dating your boss. You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.

  Frasier : Yes, but you know, he didn't say anything. He just never mentioned the fact that...

  Niles : I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.

• Niles : There we go--double espresso, and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to you?

  Frasier : No.

  Niles : Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand.

  [takes a sip and swishes them around like wine] 

  Niles : Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm --waxy.