Married... with Children (TV Series)
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick (1991)
David Sederholm: Bruce Van Pelt
Photos
Quotes
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Al : I've gathered you all here because I know one of you is the killer. So it must be you, Bruce.
Bruce Van Pelt : And what do you base that on?
Al : Absolutely nothing. Which is why the killer is you, Tonya.
Tonya Van Pelt : Sorry, Dick. If I wanted to steal the diamond, I would not have turned the lights off. It's a well known fact that I'm afraid of the dark. When the lights went out, I was frozen in place.
Al : Then let's reenact that moment.
[Al turns the lights off and Tonya screams, then the lights come back on]
Tonya Van Pelt : Who touched my breasts again?
Al : It was me. I was checking out your story, or re-living it.
[Tonya slaps Al, who turns to Adolph standing nearby]
Al : Which brings us to you. You grabbed the butcher knife, plunged it into Colonel Van Pelt's back and then snatched the diamond with your free hand.
Adolph Van Pelt : One gets to meet so few true FOOLS!
[Adolph reveals that he doesn't have hands, but prosthetic hooks]
Al : Okay... So that leaves just you. Come on, Leonard. You were the criminal mastermind of this whole thing. What do you have to say about that?
Leonard Van Pelt : [revealing himself to be mentally retarded] Daddy?
Al : Okay. So, uh, maybe the killer really was me.
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[the lights go out, and a woman screams]
Adolph Van Pelt : [voice] What happened?
Bruce Van Pelt : [voice] Who turned the lights out?
Tonya Van Pelt : [voice] Who's touching my breasts?
Al : [voice] Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman!
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Colonel Van Pelt : All right, all you vultures, fruits and vegetables. Now comes the moment you always wanted. You're all expecting to learn to which one of you I will bequeath my favorite diamond that I brought back from Egypt over 50 years ago, the Pharoah's Eye.
Bruce Van Pelt : Oh, beloved Uncle. We don't care about the diamond or any of your wealth. We want you to live forever.
Colonel Van Pelt : Nice set of lips to reach my heiny, Bruce. Your brown-nosing doesn't work for me anymore.