The Simpsons (TV Series)

Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One (1995)

Hank Azaria: Package Forwarder #3, Package Processor, Superintendent Chalmers, Guillermo, 'Oil ho!', Veterinarian, Moe Szyslak, Male Scientist, Quimby's Aide, Crazy Old Man, Captain McAllister, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Snake, Carl, Chief Wiggum

Photos 

Quotes 

• Superintendent Chalmers : Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?

• Moe Szyslak : I lost my bar!

  Barney Gumble : I lost his bar!

  Lisa Simpson : He robbed the school of music!

  Principal Skinner : He robbed the school of financial security!

  Tito Puente : He robbed the school of Tito!

  Homer : He can't remember my name!

  Marge Simpson : He's causing us all to yell!

  [Maggie sucks her pacifier violently] 

  Bart Simpson : Look what he did to my best friend!

  [Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies] 

  Bart Simpson : No, my dog!

  [Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart] 

  Mr. Burns : [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling]  Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

• Mr. Burns : Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?

  Sea Captain : Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...

  Mr. Burns : Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!

  [activates the Sunblocker] 

• [last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial] 

  Patty Bouvier : Mr. Burns has been shot.

  Chief Wiggum : Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!

  [Wiggum pulls on Burns' face] 

  Chief Wiggum : Wait, it is Burns.

  [chuckles] 

  Chief Wiggum : His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

  Marge Simpson : I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.

  [the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles] 

  Doctor Hibbert : Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

  [Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum] 

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

  [to be continued...] 

• Apu : Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one?

  Snake : Sorry, I was in the can.

• Mayor Quimby : People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.

  Quimby's Aide : [Whispers]  Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.

  Mayor Quimby : Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.

  Smithers : [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up] 

  [Crying] 

  Smithers : Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!

  Doctor Hibbert : Oh, dear God!

  Smithers : Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

  [Ned wraps a blanket around him] 

  Groundskeeper Willie : Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.

  Abe Simpson : Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.

  Crazy Old Man : You bastard!