The Simpsons (TV Series)
Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One (1995)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Groundskeeper Willie, Package Forwarder #1, Chemist, Kid From Springfield High School, Oil Worker, Barney Gumble, Grampa Simpson, Gate Guard, Mayor Quimby, Santa's Little Helper, Sideshow Mel, Krusty the Clown
Photos
Quotes
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Lisa Simpson : [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson : Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer : Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson : Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer : Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer : [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders : Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
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Marge Simpson : Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
Abe Simpson : [Whining] I want a bib too!
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Abe Simpson : Hey, the lamp's running away!
Bart Simpson : That's my dog, man!
Abe Simpson : So long, lamp.
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Moe Szyslak : I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble : I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson : He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner : He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente : He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer : He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson : He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson : Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson : No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns : [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?
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Marge Simpson : I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson : Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson : [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson : Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson : Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.
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Homer : [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns : My name is the return address, you seneless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer : [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well, that's going to change right now!
Homer : My name is Homer J. Simp...
[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
Homer : Ow!
Mr. Burns : Hm, sounded large when I ordered it.
[sighs]
Mr. Burns : I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.
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Groundskeeper Willie : Aaaaaaaaaagh! I'll *kill* that Mr Burns! And wound that Mr Smithers!
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Abe Simpson : [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge Simpson : [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
Abe Simpson : [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
Marge Simpson : I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
[Walks out]
Abe Simpson : Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!
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Groundskeeper Willie : Burns cost me my job at Springfield Elementary, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
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Mayor Quimby : People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide : [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby : Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers : [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
[Crying]
Smithers : Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert : Oh, dear God!
Smithers : Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie : Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson : Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man : You bastard!
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krusty the clown : I've been in Reno for 6 weeks did I miss anything?
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Groundskeeper Willie : You're lucky you're getting a decent burial my own father was tossed in the bog.
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Mr. Burns : [catches Homer spray-painting "I AM HOMER SIMPSON" on his office wall] Who the devil are you?
Homer : [screams in frustrated rage, rushes towards Burns and starts angrily shaking him] Homer Simpson!
Mr. Burns : What? What are you talking about?
Homer : Homer...
Mr. Burns : You're not making sense, man!
Homer : Shut up!
Mr. Burns : I can't understand a word you're saying!
Homer : Homer Simpson!
Mr. Burns : You're just babbling incoherently!
Homer : My-name-is-Homer-Simpson!
[dragged away by security]
Homer : Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!