The Simpsons (TV Series)

Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One (1995)

Harry Shearer: Principal Skinner, Montgomery Burns, Package Forwarder #2, Waylon Smithers, Lenny, Otto, Ned Flanders, Fainting Man, Dr. Hibbert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lisa Simpson : [on the phone]  Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.

  [hangs up the phone] 

  Lisa Simpson : Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?

  Homer : Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.

  Lisa Simpson : Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

  [Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger] 

  Homer : Kids, would you step outside for a second?

  [Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up] 

  Homer : [inhales deeply]  F...

  [church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house] 

  Ned Flanders : Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

• Smithers : [over the intercom]  Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.

  Principal Skinner : That's odd. I don't have a secretary... or an intercom. But send him in.

  Mr. Burns : [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student]  Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.

  Principal Skinner : [clears throat]  Mr. Burns...

  [Burns exclaims in shock] 

  Principal Skinner : It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

• Moe Szyslak : I lost my bar!

  Barney Gumble : I lost his bar!

  Lisa Simpson : He robbed the school of music!

  Principal Skinner : He robbed the school of financial security!

  Tito Puente : He robbed the school of Tito!

  Homer : He can't remember my name!

  Marge Simpson : He's causing us all to yell!

  [Maggie sucks her pacifier violently] 

  Bart Simpson : Look what he did to my best friend!

  [Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies] 

  Bart Simpson : No, my dog!

  [Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart] 

  Mr. Burns : [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling]  Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

• Principal Skinner : Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.

• Mr. Burns : Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?

  [pause, then a gasp] 

  Mr. Burns : I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!

  [grunts of a struggle] 

  Mr. Burns : Get... your... hands... off!

  Marge Simpson : Where is everyone?

  [gunshot] 

• Homer : [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office]  Here's your package, Mr. Burns!

  Mr. Burns : My name is the return address, you seneless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?

  Homer : [thinking]  I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well, that's going to change right now!

  Homer : My name is Homer J. Simp...

  [Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams] 

  Homer : Ow!

  Mr. Burns : Hm, sounded large when I ordered it.

  [sighs] 

  Mr. Burns : I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

• Mr. Burns : Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?

  Sea Captain : Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...

  Mr. Burns : Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!

  [activates the Sunblocker] 

• Mr. Burns : Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.

• [last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial] 

  Patty Bouvier : Mr. Burns has been shot.

  Chief Wiggum : Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!

  [Wiggum pulls on Burns' face] 

  Chief Wiggum : Wait, it is Burns.

  [chuckles] 

  Chief Wiggum : His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

  Marge Simpson : I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.

  [the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles] 

  Doctor Hibbert : Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

  [Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum] 

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

  [to be continued...] 

• Mr. Burns : I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company and the water works. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.

  Principal Skinner : That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a blackhearted scoundrel like yourself!

  Mr. Burns : I see. Then I guess I'll just have to... attack you!

  [fails feebly] 

  Mr. Burns : I must have that oil! Smithers, Smithers... help me subdue this... beast!

  Smithers : [arriving with a stapler]  Sorry, sir. This was all I could find.

  [fires staples which don't harm Skinner at all] 

  Smithers : Take that and that!

  Principal Skinner : Please don't waste those.

• Smithers : Well, sir, you have certainly vanquished your enemies. The elementary school, the local tavern, the old age home. You must be very proud.

  Mr. Burns : No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy, the sun.

  [Smithers gives a confused look while Burns shows a miniature version of Springfield] 

  Mr. Burns : Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing; block it out!

  [the sunblocker darkens all of miniature Springfield] 

  Smithers : [appalled]  Good God!

  Mr. Burns : Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters, running all day long.

  Smithers : But Sir, every plant and tree will die, owls will deafen us with incessant hooting; the town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably... fiendish.

  Mr. Burns : [gasps]  I will not suffer your insubordination! There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon! And you will fall into line, now!

  Smithers : No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity!

  Mr. Burns : I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

• [after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest] 

  Jimbo Jones : Hey, man. Are you okay?

  Mr. Burns : Won't... dignify that... with response.

  [collapses on the sundial] 

• Mayor Quimby : People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.

  Quimby's Aide : [Whispers]  Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.

  Mayor Quimby : Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.

  Smithers : [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up] 

  [Crying] 

  Smithers : Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!

  Doctor Hibbert : Oh, dear God!

  Smithers : Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

  [Ned wraps a blanket around him] 

  Groundskeeper Willie : Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.

  Abe Simpson : Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.

  Crazy Old Man : You bastard!

• Mr. Burns : A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleedingheart and Maynard G. Muskievote!

• Mr. Burns : I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company and the water works. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.

  Principal Skinner : That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.

• Mr. Burns : [catches Homer spray-painting "I AM HOMER SIMPSON" on his office wall]  Who the devil are you?

  Homer : [screams in frustrated rage, rushes towards Burns and starts angrily shaking him]  Homer Simpson!

  Mr. Burns : What? What are you talking about?

  Homer : Homer...

  Mr. Burns : You're not making sense, man!

  Homer : Shut up!

  Mr. Burns : I can't understand a word you're saying!

  Homer : Homer Simpson!

  Mr. Burns : You're just babbling incoherently!

  Homer : My-name-is-Homer-Simpson!

  [dragged away by security] 

  Homer : Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!