Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (2004)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Prajneep : [in the ER exam room]  Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.

  Charlie Harper : I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me.

• Charlie Harper : [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan]  All right, Alan, let me ask you something: if I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?

  Alan : Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

  Charlie Harper : I'm talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it. When the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?

  Alan : You're not helping your case, Charlie.

• Charlie : What's going on?

  Alan : [on the phone with Evelyn]  Hang on.

  Alan : [puts a hand over the phone]  Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

  Charlie : [doesn't even think about it]  Pull.

  Alan : All right, Mom. Charlie's on board.

• Charlie Harper : [filling out a form for Jake in the ER]  All right, let's see: Last name, Harper. First name, Jake... ob?

  Jake Harper : Mmm-hmm.

  Charlie Harper : Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?

  Jake Harper : You don't know?

  Charlie Harper : Of course, I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.

  Jake Harper : David.

  Charlie Harper : Wow, Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they?