Whereas 'Sex Wars' (1985) and 'Porn Ballz' (2001) took the Star Wars films and spoofed the force out of them (so to speak), the Porn Wars trilogy takes itself way too seriously. Director Kovi proudly presents the first big special effects adult film ever made (in Hungary of all places). Unfortunately, none of the cast are native English speakers, nor apparently is writer Andrew Curtis (though most of them do have English stage names). This leads to a lot of unintentionally funny lines. For starters, the Jedi are called 'Jodi' and the Sith 'Seth'. However, the word Padawan remains unchanged. If you take out the sex scenes (not impossible as the film fades to black at the start of each one of them), Porn Wars would actually pass as a decent Star Wars Fanfilm (you know, the kind George Lucas likes to give out awards to).
The opening scroll is especially hilarious, being full of spelling mistakes and too much exposition (just like the prequel trilogy). For instance, we lean that splinter groups are making some 'messy terrorist actions'. The story is completely incomprehensible if you haven't seen the first one anyway, and only slightly less so if you have. At the end of the Episode I, the good Jodi master Traley Sommersaid (Tera Bond) and Padawan Sonnen Lightside (Antonio Ross) managed to physically overcome the evil Seth warriors Dart Forsennt (Victoria Swinger) and Klanz (Horst Baron). Of course when I say physically I mean that in the biblical sense.
Episode II (sadly deprived of a subtitle) begins almost two years later. Sonnen Lightside has taken the vows of the Jodi Knight. Traley Sommersaid is running the new Jodi Academy at a secret location, where the Jodi are in hiding. The male Seth, Klanz, is being held captive but Dart Forsennt has apparently been executed. When Sommersaid returns from a mission to contact gunrunner Cloneel Hayes (Lauro de Giotto), she seems changed, more angry than usual. Several of the students have been giving in to anger also, so she decides to teach one lucky Padawan (Choky Ice) a personal lesson in her sleeping chambers. Remember, these Jodi use the power of sex to subdue their enemies, so this is not unusual.
Councilor Hather Ventorya (Vanessa Hill) arrives at the station to hold council with the Jodi. Traley informs her they need a helping hand, but with her thick Hungarian accent it comes out as 'kelping kand'. Sonnen then explains about the Jodi warriors getting fewer in number, but he pronounces the word as 'fever'. A separatist leader (Claudia Ferrari) has been captured and this time it's Sonnen's turn to interrogate. Having learned the location of the separatists base, a rather bloodthirsty Traley orders Sonnen, Devin (Angelina Crow) and Xian (Roxy) to attack their enemies. Suspicious Sonnen decides to spy on Traley instead. He is surprised to see his master seducing the councilor and also learns Devin and Xion are walking into a trap. You certainly have to keep on paying attention in between all the sex.
Gracery Knightly, a former Jodi who was converted to the way of the Seth by Klantz in the first Episode, heads a group of soldiers waiting to ambush the young Jodi on the unnamed planet. Since Mya Diamond was unable to reprise the part of Gracery, some stock footage of her appears to morphs into her successor Barbara Summer. When Sonnen arrives on the scene Gracery and the councilor take turns 'torturing' him (mainly below the belt). Since he is obviously the Anakin Skywalker of the piece, Sonnen pretends to fall under the Seth spell to help Devin and Xian escape. Not that it does them a lot of good, they just end up being recaptured later on. Back at the Academy, the Seth have set Klanz free. They take up residence in the Jodi council chamber where Traley has been joined by the traitor Cloneel Hayes. With Sonnen on the verge of turning to the dark side (his eyes have turned red), Traley reveals herself to be Dart Forsennt in disguise. Her execution had been faked by the Counsilor.
While Sonnen is still trying to comprehend all this, he has to bear witness as Cloneel Hayes and Klanz ravage Devin and Xian. Poor Sonnen seems to spend most of his time watching other people going at it in this installment. Finally, the real (but unconscious) Traley is brought in and Sonnen is ordered to execute her so he can complete his turn to the Dark Seth. Cut to the end credits, as every trilogy needs a cliffhanger to end the second part....
When compared to the first episode, there are less space battles and light-saber duels, much more exposition (the verbal kind) and the exact same amount of sex scenes. Even the male to female ratio in these scenes is the same: boy-girl, boy-girl, girl-girl, threesome, boy-girl, foursome. The music is less obviously copied from John Williams soundtracks this time around (in the first episode they seemed to be copying entire tracks with only the occasional different note) and the costume design by Lisa Browlovszky is above par (for as long as they managed to keep them on).
7 out of 10
The opening scroll is especially hilarious, being full of spelling mistakes and too much exposition (just like the prequel trilogy). For instance, we lean that splinter groups are making some 'messy terrorist actions'. The story is completely incomprehensible if you haven't seen the first one anyway, and only slightly less so if you have. At the end of the Episode I, the good Jodi master Traley Sommersaid (Tera Bond) and Padawan Sonnen Lightside (Antonio Ross) managed to physically overcome the evil Seth warriors Dart Forsennt (Victoria Swinger) and Klanz (Horst Baron). Of course when I say physically I mean that in the biblical sense.
Episode II (sadly deprived of a subtitle) begins almost two years later. Sonnen Lightside has taken the vows of the Jodi Knight. Traley Sommersaid is running the new Jodi Academy at a secret location, where the Jodi are in hiding. The male Seth, Klanz, is being held captive but Dart Forsennt has apparently been executed. When Sommersaid returns from a mission to contact gunrunner Cloneel Hayes (Lauro de Giotto), she seems changed, more angry than usual. Several of the students have been giving in to anger also, so she decides to teach one lucky Padawan (Choky Ice) a personal lesson in her sleeping chambers. Remember, these Jodi use the power of sex to subdue their enemies, so this is not unusual.
Councilor Hather Ventorya (Vanessa Hill) arrives at the station to hold council with the Jodi. Traley informs her they need a helping hand, but with her thick Hungarian accent it comes out as 'kelping kand'. Sonnen then explains about the Jodi warriors getting fewer in number, but he pronounces the word as 'fever'. A separatist leader (Claudia Ferrari) has been captured and this time it's Sonnen's turn to interrogate. Having learned the location of the separatists base, a rather bloodthirsty Traley orders Sonnen, Devin (Angelina Crow) and Xian (Roxy) to attack their enemies. Suspicious Sonnen decides to spy on Traley instead. He is surprised to see his master seducing the councilor and also learns Devin and Xion are walking into a trap. You certainly have to keep on paying attention in between all the sex.
Gracery Knightly, a former Jodi who was converted to the way of the Seth by Klantz in the first Episode, heads a group of soldiers waiting to ambush the young Jodi on the unnamed planet. Since Mya Diamond was unable to reprise the part of Gracery, some stock footage of her appears to morphs into her successor Barbara Summer. When Sonnen arrives on the scene Gracery and the councilor take turns 'torturing' him (mainly below the belt). Since he is obviously the Anakin Skywalker of the piece, Sonnen pretends to fall under the Seth spell to help Devin and Xian escape. Not that it does them a lot of good, they just end up being recaptured later on. Back at the Academy, the Seth have set Klanz free. They take up residence in the Jodi council chamber where Traley has been joined by the traitor Cloneel Hayes. With Sonnen on the verge of turning to the dark side (his eyes have turned red), Traley reveals herself to be Dart Forsennt in disguise. Her execution had been faked by the Counsilor.
While Sonnen is still trying to comprehend all this, he has to bear witness as Cloneel Hayes and Klanz ravage Devin and Xian. Poor Sonnen seems to spend most of his time watching other people going at it in this installment. Finally, the real (but unconscious) Traley is brought in and Sonnen is ordered to execute her so he can complete his turn to the Dark Seth. Cut to the end credits, as every trilogy needs a cliffhanger to end the second part....
When compared to the first episode, there are less space battles and light-saber duels, much more exposition (the verbal kind) and the exact same amount of sex scenes. Even the male to female ratio in these scenes is the same: boy-girl, boy-girl, girl-girl, threesome, boy-girl, foursome. The music is less obviously copied from John Williams soundtracks this time around (in the first episode they seemed to be copying entire tracks with only the occasional different note) and the costume design by Lisa Browlovszky is above par (for as long as they managed to keep them on).
7 out of 10