Stan Helsing (2009)
Steve Howey: Stan Helsing
Photos
Quotes
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Nadine : I can't believe I ever went out with you.
Stan Helsing : The best six weeks of your life.
Nadine : It was two weeks.
Stan Helsing : Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four.
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Stan Helsing : [looks up Mia's undies] I think now it would be a great time for a reverse POV.
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[first lines]
Stan Helsing : [picking up a ringing phone] Schlockbuster. Happy Halloween.
[pause]
Stan Helsing : Yeah yeah yeah, we carry porn.
[pause]
Stan Helsing : What do I recommend? Well... "Schindler's Fist", "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed", "Six Degrees of Penatration". This is a good one. "Glad He Ate Her".
[pause]
Stan Helsing : Yeah, yeah, okay. You're welcome, Grandma.
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Mason : We're not gonna go that easy.
Stan Helsing : Oh, actually, you both have the same weakness.
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Stan Helsing : [confronted by a giant cockroach in a restroom stall] Oh, cock... roach. Sorry, dude! I thought this was available, but it's okay. I don't actually need it, 'cause I just pissed myself. You look tense. Uh... you need a magazine? Toilet paper? Here, I'll get you a magazine.
[the giant cockroach grabs Stan]
Stan Helsing : Ah, I see you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position.
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Stan Helsing : [they are driving along the highway, their car is in the left lane; he says to the driver] Teddy, there's a MILF alert, 3 o'clock.
Mia : [confused] What's a MILK alert?
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Stan Helsing : [on the highway, telling his friends what he just saw in the car that was next to theirs] That doll mimed a blowjob and started smacking his ass! That's so weird.
Nadine : [sarcastically] No, no, no, no. That's not weird at all. It's, you know, it's a MILF driving a car with a doll that's miming a blowjob and spanking his ass. Yeah, yeah.
Teddy : [facetiously] Sounds perfectly normal.
Mia : My brother said I used to give his GI Joe doll a boner.
Nadine : Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself.
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Stan Helsing : This van just went from an automatic to a stick shift, Teddy got a boner.
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Lucky : And what's my weakness?
Stan Helsing : Dude, you're a doll.
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Nadine : [the foursome are cooing over a puppy] He kind of looks like that dog we hit on the road.
Crazy : You mean Sammy boy? That's Sammy boy's son, this is Sammy boy.
[Camera cuts to a fierce looking Rottweiler with bolts in it's neck reminiscent of Boris Karloff's version of Frankenstein's monster]
Stan Helsing : Hi Sammy boy. Looking good. Nice job. You can barely notice.
Crazy : He hasn't been the same since you him with your car. He can't eat, now he's starving!
Teddy : Have yo tried Ensure? They're these little milkshakes we gave to my grandfather one time when he couldn't poop. It was awlful.
Crazy : Sammy needs meat!
Stan Helsing : There was a Sizzler that we just passed on the way over here.
Crazy : [creepily] Raw meat.
Stan Helsing : You don't have to cook it.