Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Sister (2015)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : Ugh, there's nothing worse than grocery shopping on the day before Thanksgiving.

  Stewie Griffin : [she sets the turkey down on the counter]  Yeah, that's the sound a rich family's turkey makes.

  Lois Griffin : There's still a lot more groceries in the car.

  Brian Griffin : Well, it's not a race. Take a break.

  Lois Griffin : Ugh, if you knew how close we were to putting you down last year.

  Brian Griffin : Jeez, what's her problem?

  Stewie Griffin : Eh, Thanksgiving's exhausting. You know what she could use? A little sip of that drink I invented.

  [cut to him in front of a green and black background, wired from an energy drink] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hi! Stewie Griffin here with my latest creation: Monster Energy Drink. What is it? I don't know, but it's free from this truck that stopped outside your work. Mix it with booze. Ever been wide-awake-blacked-out? Ever try to jump over a train on a bike? Ever bit the beak off a bird? Monster Energy: put it in your body and ask questions later. It's green, so it's nature.

• Lois Griffin : [Peter's sister wants to visit for the holiday]  Peter, Karen's coming and that's that.

  Meg Griffin : How cool! I didn't even know I had an aunt. I can't wait to meet her.

  Peter Griffin : Look, I'm telling you guys, it's gonna be a disaster. Just like the alternate ending of "Back to the Future."

  [cut to Marty looking at the photograph of himself with his siblings] 

  Marty McFly : Well, if I'm gonna disappear into nothing, I might as well bang my mom. Hey, Lorraine, wait up!

  [as he drops the photograph, a distorted, mentally deficient version of himself appears] 

  Marty McFly : Hi! My name's Marty! I'm in a picture!

  [the final title card appears] 

  Marty McFly : "To be contondered!"

• Peter Griffin : [in his new women's wrestling attire]  Comments? Questions?

  Lois Griffin : What the hell are you...

  Peter Griffin : I'm sorry, Chris had his hand up first. Chris?

  Chris Griffin : What's the capital of Maryland?

  Peter Griffin : I do not know, but that's a very good question. Now, Lois?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what the hell are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : First, it's not Peter. When I am in this outfit, I am Maxi Paddy, the fiercest enemy of Heavy Flo.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you look - okay, that's clever - but, Peter, you look ridiculous. Take that off. If you wanna settle things with your sister, just go talk to her.

  Peter Griffin : No, Lois, the only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage. I mean, you don't understand. Karen made me feel worse than a guy getting cut from a baseball team.

• Peter Griffin : Now do you see why I didn't want Karen here, Lois? She terrorized me my whole childhood. Now she's got to embarrass me in front of my friends?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, Karen, later you got to show us some of your wrestling holds.

  Cleveland Brown : Yeah, what's that trademark finishing move of yours?

  Joe Swanson : The Toxic Shock.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, yeah, that move is badass! You're awesome. Know what else is awesome? This stuffing.

  Lois Griffin : Thank you, Glenn.

  Glenn Quagmire : You're welcome. I'm in a good mood.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, come say hello to your sister.

  Peter Griffin : Fine. Hey, Karen, welcome to our...

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Bring it in, Pee Pee!

  [as she farts in his face, she and the rest of the family laugh] 

  Meg Griffin : I like her.

• Lois Griffin : Okay, everyone, it'll be another hour before the turkey's done, but I made more appetizers.

  Stewie Griffin : [sarcastic]  Oh, grape jelly on a Triscuit. You're a whiz.

• Meg Griffin : Well, I'm proud of you, Dad. You finally stood up for yourself.

  Lois Griffin : So, Peter, have you talked to Karen?

  Peter Griffin : I called, like, four times, but she's not out of the coma yet. Apparently, they usually use fake chairs, but Meg used a real one.

  Lois Griffin : Do they think she's gonna survive?

  Peter Griffin : It could go either way.

  [answering his cell phone as it rings] 

  Peter Griffin : Hello? No, I think I'm a different blood type. No, I don't want to check.

  [hanging up] 

  Peter Griffin : Doctors say there's nothing they can do.