Reviews
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Pure Entertainment, Pure Fun
This movie is pure fun. It's not Shakespeare, and it won't change your life. It's STAR WARS.
Must I address the Jar Jar issue? Okay then. I can see why people thought he was annoying, but I don't care. He was funny, and if you don't like him, quit shoving it in my face. I don't care if you don't like him. I think he's cool.
People said the acting was wooden in the originals too. Who cares? You don't see Star Wars for the acting. I didn't hear anyone say "Let's go see that new Sam Neill movie" when Jurassic Park came out. They went to see people getting eaten by dinosaurs! And people went ot this one to see Star Wars. Quit expecting some dark or serious or important movie. The first three had bigfoot running around with a guy that kissed his sister and two robots!
Many critics addressed the whole "Trade Federation" issue. They said the old Star Wars was very patriotic, but this one is anti-government. HELLO? I think they were trying too hard to find something to critisize. That makes about as much sense as "The Truman Show symbolizes the fetus' desire to laave the womb".
The vast majority of the public loved it. There's a small minority, mostly on the itnernet that love to bash it, and they get more press than they deserve. If you don't like it, quit cramming it down my throat. I loved it.
Hamlet, Prinz von Dänemark (1960)
This Movie was NOT TO BE
When I saw this movie, I felt my soul die. It was beyond unbearable. There are NO SETS. Only black background drapes and a few pillars. At one point you can see Hamlet wearing a leather jacket. There is NO MUSIC. When the actors aren't mumbling, they're all whispering for some totally unexplained reason.
I like the play Hamlet. I loved Kenneth Branagh's version, and I liked Mel Gibson's. I read the original play and found it entertaining, once I got used to the old English.
These actors male it unbearable. There is nothing worse than watching one of history's greatest dramas being DUBBED (badly) into English.
If you're at all familiar with the show "Mystery Science Theater 3000", then you'll love this.
If not, I'd run as fast as possible to the closest copy of "Ishtar". It's your only hope.
EDtv (1999)
"The Truman Show" watered down for the common idiot
I pretty much read everyone's review of this film before writing my own. Most think it's great. I think most of the people that loved this movie didn't appreciate the Truman Show. And that's fine. They can have their "EdTV" and while they're at it, they can watch similar films like "Batman and Robin", "Armageddon", "Volcano" and "Wing Commander". Why do I compare Ron Howard's "EdTV" with those? Because they're all in a big clump of movies that go together. It's practically a new genre. Movies that didn't originate with an actual IDEA. They just wanted to capitalize on another movies fame, by watering it down for the common idiot. The Truman Show was absolutely brilliant. It dared to expect a certain level of intelligence from it's audience. Because of this, we have a bunch of teenagers wandering out of a Jim Carrey movie, holding their heads because they feel like they've been forced to THINK. "It's just like at school, man". If you don't want to think, go see "EdTV". If you want a really intelligent movie, go see "the Truman Show". You can listen to the brainless cattle of the public, and they'll tell you which one is better. The one that has more sex and cheap cliches! You can bet films will get worse before they ever get better. Just another symptom of the Hollywood "let's-make-a-movie-that-morons-will-pay-seven-dollars-to-see" disease.
Wing Commander (1999)
Absolute garbage
This film was just plain awful. Along the lines of the 1975 classically bad "Mitchell". Where to begin?
1. The plot. What plot?
2. THe acting? WHAT acting? Matthew Lillard was upstaged by his own hair. He somehow managed to take ordinary sentences of english language, and make it look and sound like he was chewing on a live gerbil while french kissing himself. The kid moves his mouth like he's trying to defuse a bomb with his tongue.
3. The hair: Uh...in the future, people won't still have hair like we do in the 90's. TRY ORIGINALITY SOMETIME! The bleached look won't be cool in a century!
4. The special effects: Anything but special.
5. technical flaws: WHERE TO BEGIN? They not only had sound in space, but GRAVITY. Mind bogglingly inaccurate GRAVITY.
6. The villains: They looked like Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats" after being assimilated by the Borg.
October Sky (1999)
Executed Perfectly
I just saw a sneak preview of this film. It officially isn't released until next week. There isn't one thing in this movie that was done poorly. The actors don't try to be good actors, they just play it realistically. Everyone is very convincing. The story is excellent, and it's based on a true story. The soundtrack needs Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". When you see the movie, you'll understand why. Really, the song fits in two ways. The music is good, but not too strong. A lot of movies try to cram emotions down your throat with music, but this one doesn't. It also resists the temptation to put too many peices of music from the period in. The music they do use from the time is accurate. Everyone in the audience loved this movie. I didn't hear anyone saying "It could've been better" as they left the movie.
Contact (1997)
Art from Hollywood? Finally!
This movie is art! I read Carl Sagan's book a couple years before the movie came out. The book is wonderful. There are a few differences, but overall they're both compatible with each other. Something that is unique about this film is that it splits the audience in half. 50% of the audience will hate it. Don't worry about them. These people didn't notice the suddle and artistic camera techniques. They came to this movie expecting to SEE aliens. So they were disappointed when they didn't see them with their eyes. The people that hate this movie generally like movies like "Armageddon" and Quentin Tarantino movies. They don't like movies that make them think.
The other hlaf will generally like it a lot. Some will absolutely love it. These people like to leave the theater with their head full of interesting possibilities. This movie does make you think. Some would call it anti-religious. I read one review of it in a "christian" movie review magazine, which said it was damaging to a christian's faith. Why? Because it dares to examine science and religion together. This movie is about fact versus faith. This movie isn't anti-religious. The whole theme is: Faith is necessary because some of life's most important truths can't be proven. You could say that it's impossible to prove the existence of God. Personally, I don't think so. I think if you look at it logically, it's incredibly obvious that God exists.
The music is great,the actors are all convincing and likable (except for a few, although their characters were written that way). Carl Sagan put a lot of thought and thoughtfulness into his creation, and it shines through in the movie version. He had a tremendous appreciation for the wonders of the Universe, and this movie embodies that. Whether you're devoutly religious or a hard skeptic, you'll walk out of the theater looking up and smiling. Personally, I don't think aliens exist, but it was still a good movie. THe people that hate this movie can have movies liek "Armageddon" and "Godzilla" for themselves. This is much better. You'll THINK!
Batman & Robin (1997)
At some point,far into earth's future, mankind will have words that will be capable of describing how bad this movie is...
Batman and Robin: A Manifesto
1. When I was a small child, I had nightmares about monsters under my bed, kidnappers, alien, etc. To tell you the truth, I wet my bed frequently until the age of six. After seeing Batman and Robin, the nightmares returned. So did the bed wetting.
2. The acting: What acting? In fact, it's worse than bad. The english language can't describe how bad it is. No language can. George Clooney turns the dark and brooding Batman into a happy crime fighter with spunk! I don't ever want to see a man in that much rubber smiling at me again.
3. The plot: It's bad. Every hollywood cliche is thrown in. To make you feel sympathy, they threaten Alfred's death. "Oh no...the only likable character is dying..." HE WAS TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE MOVIE! Save yourself Alfred. Kill yourself, and you'll go warp speed to eternal happiness. I'm sure God will forgive you for being in this "film".
4. The special effects: They're really bad. Gotham is now lit with neon pink and blue lights. EVERYTHING is in neon. Batman and Robin show a blatant disrespect for the laws of physics. I'm not talking about standard movie stunts i.e; riding a shockwave, jumping off a 100 foot cliff, living through huge explosions, etc., etc....They surf through the air, falling thousands of feet through the air, sometimes moving STRAIGHT UP. Batman falls, then moves upward, completely defying gravity.
5. The flaws: they're everywhere. At one point, Robin is being pulled underwater. The shot goes like this: Robin is floating in the water-the villain pulls him under the water briefly-he resurfaces. Simple, right? Well instead of ACTUALY SHOOTING THE SCENE, they simply reverse the film halfway through the shot, so it looks like he's coming out of the water, when in fact you're seeing him go UNDERWATER backwards. ALSO, Alfred (just off his deathbed) whips up a batsuit for Alicia Silverstone in a matter of minutes.
6. The rubber: Alicia Silverstone doesn't have nipples on her batsuit, but Batman and Robin DO. THere are butt-shots and crotch-shots GALORE! What is wrong with Joel Schumacher? I think we all know...
7. In one scene, Mr. Freeze wants to freeze Gotham, so he goes to the city observatory, and plants little plastic icicles all over the telescope. Then he goes to the top, and it's magically transformed to some kind of freeze-ray. Does this make sense to you? THis sounds like it was written by a tow year old. It makes about as much sense as the scene in "Kindergarten Cop: where the little boy puts his "lazers" (actually balls of tinfoil) all over a power line near his house.
8. There are too many characters. There's Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane. That's six characters with twelve personalities. This film gives new meaning to the word "filth".
9. It's a testament to the stupidity of the american viewing audience that movies like this rake in millioms of dollars, while great movies like "The Spanish Prisoner" and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" wallow in relative obscurity.
10. There is no plot, character development, intelligence, or thoughtfulness behind this movie. No story, no uniqueness, no artistic touches. There aren't any clever camera techniques or special effects. Just a bunch of ever-larger explosions.
11. This movie has nothing good in it, so they try to fill the gaping hole with loud special effects, more characters, and more one-liners.
12. This film insults your intelligence.
13. It's too stupid for adults, and too empty for kids.
14. The horrible truth is, there are some people who like this movie. These are the kind of people who watch WWF wrestling. These are the kind of people who will never experience the joy of reading a good book (Fahrenheit 451 for instance), or spend more than two seconds in deep thought. I feel sorry for these people.
15. The music: They didn't even bother to score new music for this movie, they just reused the music from the last Batman movie. The music is apallingly bad. Good movies have music that fits the scene, that enhances the movie, but doesn't overshadow it. It completes the movie. Films like "Schindlers List", "The Truman Show" and "The Hunt For Red October" all have music that perfectly fits the movie. This has recycled junk thrown in.
16. Joel Schumacher, this is a message for YOU: We (the viewing public) don't want to pay seven dollars to see garbage. WE want to see movies that make us think. When you leave a good movie, you can't stop thinking about it. When you leave this movie (this could happen as quickly as two minutes after the opening credits), all I think is "I want my money back". When I left this movie, my ears hurt. My brain hurt. When I left this movie, I left a part of my soul in the theater. It was stolen by the mind-blowingly bad crapfest that is "Batman and Robin".
The Spanish Prisoner (1997)
A Thinking Person's Movie
This movie wasn't filled with sex, violence, filthy language or anything like that. It relied on solid characters, an awesome story and excellent directing, something totally unheard of in Hollywood today. It makes me cry to think that no one has heard of this great thriller, but Crap-fests like "Armageddon" make trillions of dollars at the box office. If you haven't seen it yet, don't listen to anyone's opinion, don't read any summaries of the plot. The less you know, the better it will be. The Spanish Prisoner was the first movie in a while to make me THINK. Go see it if you like thought provoking mysteries. This show is awesome.
Time of the Apes (1985)
It Makes You Want to be An Aetheist
someday, in the distant future, man will invent words that have enough strength and vulgarity to accurately describe how bad this film is. Words like "filth", "unwatchable", "crap" and "blasphemous" just aren't strong enough. If you do watch this movie, make sure nothing flammable is in the room, and try to make sure your vital organs are covered by a lead shield. It's not appropriate for the old folks, or anyone with a past history of mental illness. You have been warned.
am I the first to comment on this? Look Ma! Me first!
The Great Gatsby (1974)
Just Horrible
I was forced to view this film in my english class, and as a result, my brain died. I no longer experience pleasure or pain, happiness or sadness. Life is a continual stream of stimuli, neither good or bad. This film was so boring, I contemplated telecide (the murder of a television). I realize that the novel is recognized as the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I don't care. It was so boring, I was envious of the people with LED watches. I hope someday to be a less bitter person, but I doubt it. In conclusion, I have something to say to a specific person. Mr. Dejoy, you're my favorite teacher, you're an awesome human being, and a funny guy, but this was just too much. Lay off the Gatsby. Make 'em read Fahrenheit 451. A better book BY FAR! Movie too.
Morozko (1965)
I've never sat on a shovel before! Not the flat end anyway!
This is far worse than Joe Don Baker's 1975 epic "Mitchell". And that's saying a lot. I just don't understand how all these people could've made this movie without laughing their heads off. It is worse than bad. It's a crime against humanity. I'm just grateful that the good folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000 have turned it into the funniest movie of all time.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
Ah, the script has arrived!
half way through this film ,the script arrives. Sound strange? Watch the movie. In it, two home made robots and a guy named Mike bash a horrible sci-fi flick. It's by far the funniest thing you will ever see, with the exception of the Clinton Impeachment hearings (maybe).
Pleasantville (1998)
HIGHLY Immoral!
Hey kids! Don't listen to your parents or that funny little voice in the back of your head that tells you not to put kitties in the microwave! Don't listen to anything but the sound of your raging hormones. Your parents might frown on any number of the exotic situations that pop up in this seemingly innocent movie. No, self restraint is a social evil that must be stamped out, like the annoying insect that it is. See Pleasantville, and you'll understand what I'm saying. In this film, two teens are magically sucked into a 50's sitcom through a remote control that a mysterious stranger gives them. And you thought Last Action Hero was corny! Inside the 50's world, everything is black and white. Life is simple ,and very happy. Everyone has a loving family, there's no crime, no depression, no drugs, no poverty. Just a happy town. One of the kids, a young girl, seduces one of the innocent townfolk. Shortly thereafter, he turns technicolor. Before long, teens EVERYWHERE are fornicating. The innocent TV mother of the film is corrupted by her new daughter from our world, and ends up touching herself in the bath tub. Then she goes to the local diner, and has her new lover paint a picture of her naked. Meanwhile, more teens fornicate. The young man from our world, who until now was relatively decent, is sitting in a park with his girlfriend, when she offers hima red apple. He takes a bite, and everything goes crazy. Then it rains a lot. Sound familiar? This movie pretends to be a meaningful film, with a deep messsage. There's lots of beautiful music, quirky characters, amazing special effects, and good acting. To tell the truth, this film could have been one of the best ever made. But instead, it was full of smut. I just don't understand how this movie got a PG-13 rating. the f-word was in it, plenty of nudity, lots of sex, and a corrosive message. Teenagers will get the wrong message, and think it's okay to fornicate. The ones that already are will feel like it's their right. This movie is definitely not for family viewing. At it's core, it's a filthy story about teenagers that fornicate, and corrupt a town full of innocent people.
The Truman Show (1998)
Intelligence! AT LAST!
Everything in this movie was remarkably well done. Peter Weir's direction and feel for the movie made it absolutely awesome. He took what could have been a strange, goofy movie, and turned it into an almost religious experience. He also chose to not tell us what happens after Truman leaves the studio. A wise decision, as some would be tempted to show what happens next. But an intelligent artist knows you should always leave the auidence wanting more. And that is what he has done, yet it is still satisfying. Jim Carrey's performance is excellent. He's funny, but he plays Truman as a tortured soul, and because of the depth of his performance, you can't help but feel tremendous pity for Truman. You almost feel proud when he reaches the edge of his world. Philip Glass and Burkhard Dallwitx both worked on the score, and both composers worked perfectly. Instead of using one composer for the film, using one theme, Weir "stole" certain bits because they fit his movie so perfectly. When Truman falls in love with a beautiful woman, and tries to talk to her, a piece by Chopin palys. A composer hired to write music for the movie wouldn't have been as good for that specific scene. Dallwitz's score was almost sparse, but it perfectly fit the mood of the story. It was manipulative. This whole movie is. You'll wonder if THEY want you to like the movie. There wasn't a single element that didn't work perfectly. this movie lacked violence, sex, foul language, and all the other filth that movies have today. That's what sets it apart from others, to me. Pleasantville is often compared to the Truman Show, but only because they both deal with TV as subject matter. In fact, these movies are radically different. The Truman Show is an innocent movie with a darker, more ominous undertone to it, that has a message to it. It's funny, touching, and thought provoking. Pleasantville is about teenagers who fornicate. It's full of smut, and at its core, there's nothing but filth and a shallow story that seriously strains credibility. If you enjoy intelligent movies, and hate it when people walk out of movies like Armageddon, saying "that was AWESOME", then PLEASE see the Truman Show.
Mitchell (1975)
PRAISE MST3K!
Many of you are familiar with the televison show Mystery Science Theater 3000. If not for them, this movie would be MORE than unwatchable. They took a horrible film, and did what we already do. Make fun of it. Joel, Mike, Tom Servo and Crow BASH this movie. Not only are they cruel to Joe Don Baker (that puppy-dog faced drunk), but they show absolute disrespect for Hoyt Axton's musical score (my-my-my-Mitchell). This is quite easily the funniest thing to ever be made by humans.