Reviews

Wow. Just...wow. I have seen some stinkers in my time, but this one just takes the cake. I realize that this is a pretty bold statement, but there are no two ways about it - this movie has THE WORST computer graphics EVER.

Remember the game Myst? The original one? That's how this movie looks. The CGI stuff just LOOKS like it was done on a computer about 10 years ago. Every flippin' scene just screams VIDEO GAME!!! I'm serious here, the stuff is awful. Yet they keep right on using it, scene after scene after scene. Probably 2/3 of the movie plays like you're trapped on Myst island, only the plot sucks. More so.

Ah yes, the plot. Where to begin. First off, the movie claims to be "based on a true story." Their definition of "true" must be pretty close to my definition of "false," because nothing even remotely similar to ANY of the events in the movie EVER HAPPENED. It pretty much goes downhill from there. Of course, the fact that nothing appears to happen for long stretches doesn't help. Even worse, when stuff does happen, it's unintelligible. Frankly, the whole thing is a confused mess.

I'm not even going to mention the acting, which ranges from awful to farcical. Actually, the idea that this movie may have been intended as a spoof is easier to swallow, except for the fact that nothing particularly funny ever happens. Of course, that's only because nothing really happens at all.

This movie hurts. Big time. It's annoying, it's confusing, and it goes absolutely nowhere. And the CGI stuff still looks like some particularly crappy point-and-click adventure game from 1995. Seriously, do yourself a favor, pass this movie by and go play Riven. The graphics are a lot better and so is the acting (wow - never thought I'd be praising the acting in a Myst game). This one conversation you DO want to miss.

Every so often, a movie comes along. This is one of them.

Really, what can you say about bargain-basement junk like this? El Chupacabra (or simply "Chupacabra" - the movie box, trailer, and movie itself can't seem to decide which title to use) is a really good example of what happens when you give some guys a camera and $20 and tell them to make a movie by the end of the week. It's full of no-name, no-talent people, plus a guest-villain appearance by some guy from Naughty by Nature (personally, I'd stick to music, because his acting isn't good). The whole thing has an amateurish feel. The "star" has trouble remembering his lines, let alone delivering them with any kind of feeling. Monster attacks are confused, filmed in extreme close-up and rapid cuts that defy any sense of what is happening - and, flagrantly flaunting convention, the monster is about twice as slow and three times as awkward when it attacks from a point-of-view shot. The dialog ranges from clunky to laughable, and can be unintentionally hilarious in places (in this respect, it rivals the great works of Ed Wood, Jr. and Coleman Francis).

Some time was put into the monster design, though it doesn't match the description given by the film's "expert," and it looks as if it may have been an off-the-shelf Halloween costume that the prop guys modified. Even assuming it was entirely original, it's less inspired than adequate, and given the astonishingly low quality of the rest of the film and props, it's likely that most people will be underwhelmed.

I've no doubt that El Chupacabra will make money. But it's only because they only need to sell about 5 copies to cover their costs. Even for a low-budget direct-to-video flick, this one is bare-bones. And in movies, as in just about everything else, you tend to get what you pay for. A few hundred dollars and a script rewrite (or, for that matter, an actual script) would have done wonders. It still would have sucked, but only as much as all the other low-budget direct-to-video flicks suck. As it is, it's in a class by itself.

Hail to the chupacabra, baby.

Ouch...just...ouch. After watching this movie, my first instinct was to gouge my eyes out with spoons.

Okay, that's a lie. I wanted to do that *while* I was watching it.

This movie fails so incredibly badly, it's unwatchable. First of all, we have a nonsensical plot which depends largely upon the assumption that 1000 years from now our jets will still be in working order, and while much of our stuff will be in ruins, it will be more akin to 20 years of neglect than a millenium. Then we have the camera work. Practically every scene in the movie is shot under one or more of the following conditions: an angled camera, a colored filter, and/or slow motion. I actually got a case of motion sickness from watching it.

Amazingly, John Travolta - who, with the help of Satan himself, was the driving force behind this film - actually had a SEQUEL planned. The movie covers only the first half of L. Ron Hubbard's book. See, Hubbard may not write *well*, but he tries to make up for that by writing *long*. People are inclined to think thicker books are automatically better than thinner ones. Fortunately, that sequel, much like that one evil Pandora managed to keep in her little box when she unleashed all those others on humanity, will almost certainly never be made. After how badly this one bombed, only a lunatic or a sadist - or a lunatic sadist - would consider green lighting a second.

Nevertheless, the word must be spread. This movie is PAINFULL. It is not for the faint of heart. Only experienced B-movie afficianados should watch it. Oh, and stay away from sharp instruments for 30 days after viewing.

1/10 stars - A movie so awful the mere thought of it turns my stomach

Okay, martial arts fans aside, Jean-Claude Van Damme may never be considered a great actor. It's little wonder. This movie's stunts range from improbable (an underwater battle in which our "hero" goes without oxygen for several minutes - and remember that he's *fighting* for much of that time) to downright laughable (a grenade that goes off in a pool creates a 50-foot fireball). It co-stars Dennis Rodman - you remember back when he was cool, right? - as a wisecracking arms dealer. His role is mainly that of a comic sidekick, though I'm sure he didn't realize that at the time. Mostly the movie consists of one lame stunt after another, as the two stars try to save Jean's pregnant wife. Oh, and I won't say how, but they managed to work in a chase by the world's least menacing, most playful tiger. Sadly, the tiger was the best actor in the movie, and even for an animal, it was pretty lame.

3/10 stars - Awful, but not painful

This movie is infamous for being awarded the title of Worst Movie Ever Made. While admittedly it is bad, Plan 9 is simply not deserving of this title.

Okay, still with me? Good. Plan 9 is a terrible, incoherent, inept film. However, it is saved from the trash heap by one simple fact: the movie is consistently FUNNY. From Criswell's moronic prediction at the start of the film ("future events such as these will affect us in the future") to the flaming pie tin saucer at the end, the film is a laugh riot. It's junk, but it's entertaining junk, and in that respect it is still a good movie. If you don't believe me, watch Plan 9 and a truly awful movie (say, "Manos: Hands of Fate" or "Battlefield: Earth") back to back. You'll see the difference immediately.

Nevertheless, Ed Wood can't get off scott free on this one. Plan 9 is funny, but it was *intended* to be a serious film about alien invasion (sort of). What he's done is pull a Homer (from the Simpsons; a phrase meaning "to succeed despite idiocy"). The fact that this is Bela Lugosi's last film - and that he died before it was made, and they just took some footage of him and built a movie around it - makes me cringe. Laughable or no, this movie deserves a place on the Bottom 100. It just doesn't deserve the coveted #1 slot. I reserve that dishonor for truly awful films like Manos, where absolutely EVERYTHING was terrible, or for movies where despite having every resource in Hollywood at their disposal, the end result is still unwatchable, like Battlefield: Earth.

2/10 stars - Painful, but a good kind of pain.

Wow. I've seen bad movies in my time, but this one takes the cake. Never before have I witnessed anything like Manos: Hands of Fate. This is a movie where somehow, in some way, the people working on it managed to do EVERYTHING wrong.

Acting? Horrible. Costumes? Laughable. Lighting? Umm...What lighting? For the love of God, the film and camera used were even of sub-standard quality (and I mean by 1966 standards, not modern day)! This movie reminds me more than anything else of when a loving parent goes to their son/daughter's third grade play and video tapes it. Except the plot to that play is probably a lot more coherent, less disturbing, and the acting is only slightly worse. That is no exaggeration.

I can't really sumarize this movie since it doesn't really seem to go anywhere. A lot of it is downright confusing. There are several scenes of a young couple kissing that could just as well have been from another movie for all the impact they had on this one. Torgo, the only memorable character, has been given the sinister affliction of gigantic thighs. It seems he was intended to be some sort of goat-man, but that isn't really explained and isn't readily obvious. His death scene looks more like a massage than a brutal beating. Worst of all, in the end, our heroes (such as they are) fail to escape from Torgo's creepy Master, sending the uplifting message that evil pagan gods always win in the end. The final scenes of the movie also hint at pedophilia.

For all of the cast members, as well as the writer/director and I imagine the greater portion of the crew, this was to be their first and only film. A sequel is hinted at in the final credits, but thank goodness it was never made.

I have been trying and trying to come up with some explanation for how this movie got released in theaters. So far, the only one that made sense to me is that Satan himself appeared before the studio executives and made some kind of payoff. This is by far the worst movie I have ever seen, and although I have yet to see Plan 9 From Outer Space! (though not for lack of trying) I cannot imagine how it could exceed Manos in failure.

I should mention I saw only the MST3K version of this movie. I cannot imagine sitting through the uncut version. This movie churns my stomach as it is. Nothing can prepare you for this movie. It has to be seen to be believed and to see this movie is to take your life into your own hands. For those who have seen the uncut version...you have my sympathies.