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Ghost Fever (1986)
1/10
I hope the writer of this abortion died from a bad case of 'Ghost Fever'
8 October 2023
I'm a big fan of 'so bad they're good' films and have worked my way through a pig's trough full of Canon misfires and have always found something odd, funny or endearing in each ugly duckling of a cinematic mess.

But this. THIS.

Unfunny? Yes. Boring? Hell yes. Poorly written? Wow, hard to formulate an appropriate sentiment that reflects the level of incompetence that some braindead half-wit mustered to actually have typed out this screenplay. Let alone the fact that other dunderpated dullards backed it with production money???? How? Why? Where? All the questions!

Do NOT let the fact that Sherman Helmsley stars in this shaggy dog sway you for one second into assuming that it contains any humour. This is as far from The Jefferson's as the north is from the south.

I'm never offended by films but this was an insult to my intelligence and the medium of filmmaking. Having a crippling bout of Ghost Fever is no excuse for writing or directing Ghost Fever, even Explosive AIDS would be a hard sell for excusing this IQ reducing paean to ignorance.

-10 out of 10

AVOID.
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Skinamarink (2022)
3/10
I spent a week watching Skinamarink one night...
10 December 2022
Although the title of this review may appear unkind, it is nevertheless, apt.

I really wanted to like this film but ended up bored and angry. Angry that the filmmaker had been so self-indulgent as to presume the audience would be able to withstand 100 minutes of this punishment.

I admire what he did, the execution is excellent and I was immediately drawn into the atmosphere that the film exudes. However, as other reviewers have noted, this would have made a decent short film, maybe 20 minutes. As it stands, it overplays it's hand dramatically and had me begging to be relinquished from the monotony of the long takes which comprise the film's bloated runtime.

My hope is that Shudder cuts it down significantly before it has an official on-line release. It's too bad. It really does tap into something visceral and primal.
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Dashcam (I) (2021)
1/10
Unapologetically Abrasive Tripe That Robs Audience Of Braincells
14 November 2022
I read all of the comments before watching this so I can't say that I wasn't forewarned. However, I'm not easily triggered and I prefer to rate a movie based on it's overall merits, rather than one particular element that might prevent the entire feature from reaching it's true potential. After all, literature and film is rife with charismatic anti-heroes that you love to hate, from Machiavelli to Mickey Rourke.

And then I met Annie Hardy.

The character and the actress share the same name, ergo she is playing a fictionalized version of herself. Sweet Jesus, if she is anything like her character in real-life, we are all doomed.

I can't think of one redeeming quality for this protagonist, AND she doesn't even die! I could have forgiven a lot with this movie if we had been blessed with a protracted death scene, perhaps a prolonged evisceration, or flaying?

As it stands, we have a nonsensical plot where nothing is explained, an annoying story of an entitled childish narcissist, crass dialogue, and a suspension bridge of disbelief that is nuked into smitheroons before this lame dog slouches it's way into the third act.

To be fair, technically, this film is fantastic. The effects are top notch, the antagonist is effective, there are some amazing set pieces and location shooting, I particularly loved the amusement park.

But who thought it was a good idea to have Annie Hardy play the lead? Why? This could have been a really great film if that role had been even marginally likeable. I was hoping that she was written like that so that there would be a redemption arc or something, but apparently Screenwriting 101 was skipped by the self-deluded Orson Welles that thought turning convention on it's head was a safe play for a low-budget horror found footage film.

Even despite the fact this film made no logical sense, nothing is explained, character's disappear and reappear randomly, and I've had acid trips that were more coherent, it might have all been worth the pain of watching this had Annie Hardy been written to be more human-like.

I rarely write reviews, but this film pissed me off by how little it respects it's audience. You can't treat your audience with contempt and expect it to not be noticed. If your goal was to marginalize the viewing public and purposefully ostracize yourself from the hand that feeds, best of luck going forward with that business model. On the plus side, this is a 'fool me once' scenario, so now we all know.

Avoid.
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8/10
It's a fun series, remember, it's not a documentary.
27 October 2021
I didn't read the comic, so I'm not invested, or interested, in how the series may or may not be deviating from the original story. What I'm watching is a meticulously crafted first season that is laying the groundwork for the second season. Excellent use of multiple-thread narrative, some great location shooting, the cast is great: it's a fun end-of-the-world series that isn't about zombies for once. If for no better reason than that, it deserves an extra star. For the people that complain that it is slow moving, I say the slow burn always has the richest payoff. Anything worth watching builds the characters and story slowly, quality story-telling isn't a race, it is, and always has been, a marathon. AND, it's not even slow paced. Very entertaining, I hope the network sorts out it's issues and we get a Season 2.
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Colin (2008)
8/10
Easily one of the best zombie movies I've ever seen.
13 November 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Proving once again that great entertainment is not contingent upon money or the nebulous studio production system, Colin met and far surpassed my expectations for this no-budget zombie flick. In short, the story follows the eponymous Colin as he wanders the streets of Britain during the onset of a zombie apocalypse. Now, this film will NOT appeal to everyone, but to zombie enthusiasts, the initial hook of the zombie being the protagonist is enough to at least warrant interest. Where the strength of this film lies is in it's attention to detail, excellent minimalist sound-scape (you can more with a few echoing rifle shots and muffled screams than you can with a team of CGI lackeys) character development, and very creative ways of producing emotional resonance while remaining somewhat episodic. The scene where the girl winds up in the basement, I found to be truly chilling: we know what is going to happen to her but we never see it because the story drifts on following Colin to his next misadventure. We see the effects that Colin's transformation has on his family, beautifully shot, as if in pantomime, as Colin watches his mother, sister and brother-in-law cry, shout, languish, all which has no effect on Colin obviously, and we see it through his eyes. It's funny how easy it was to empathize with him, even though we see him cannibalizing his fellow countrymen, and giving chase to anything with a pulse, it forces us to see Colin not as a monster, but as someone that was once human, and even though he's a flesh-eating zombie now, there are some things so deeply buried in him that even death can't remove their significance. The story itself is told in a very clever way - you get the sense that Colin has a mission, but you really can't tell. He stops to ponder a street sign for several minutes - the audience wonders why. As with all great storytelling, the clues are trickled throughout, and we realize at the end that not only has the story come full circle - which in itself is a laudable narrative technique - but that Colin is in fact a somewhat tragic figure and the film structure locks him into a somewhat Sisyphusian role of forever trying to roll the boulder up the hill. Not only that but there was fairly decent gore. I gave it an 8/10, this impressed me way more than anything Romero has done since Day of the Dead, and blew the latest Hollywood crap-fest, Zombieland, right of the water. In short, Colin had everything - humour, horror and heartache. Any zombie enthusiast should actively seek out this well-written, well-directed, well-edited film.
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Plague Town (2008)
7/10
Creepy film made with attention to atmosphere
5 September 2009
Having read some of the other reviews of this film before I actually saw it, I wasn't expecting much. To be honest, some of the acting was stiff, and the dialogue wasn't exactly written by Harold Pinter, but those areas are easily forgiven when weighed against the overall feel of the film. A sense of dread permeates the film due to an excellent sound design, great location shooting, minimal dialogue, and as another reviewer pointed out, not every aspect of the story is didactically explained. The filmmaker has respected the audience enough to 'show not tell', which is a welcome change from poorly written claptrap lining the videostore shelves these days. And the ending was fantastic - true horror leaves you with that lump in your throat as you imagine all of the things still left in store for the protagonists once our involvement in the story ends.
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1/10
I can't believe I actually watched it until the end.
17 April 2009
This is by far the most ridiculous movie I have seen so far this year. It was far more episodic than even an Apatow film - if one could imagine such a scatter-shot 'script' making it to production - and even less engaging. Poorly written, with an extended, tedious scene wherein the mall cop and the his nemesis exchange the f-bomb well past the point where it may have been funny in any juvenile sense, and pound nail after nail into the coffin of the feeble, impotent exchange. Unforgivable are the wild, erratic shifts in tone throughout the acts, beginning as a low-brow comedy about a dim-witted mall cop who's intent on capturing a streaker, and by the third act the tone shifts randomly between witnessing random acts of brutality to having a slow-motion chase through the mall with a fat man with his junk swinging around. If the film had been clear in it's tone it might have been less grating, but as it stands it is a complete misfire of poorly directed, miscast, and ill-paced scenes held together by the flimsiest of plots, with one of the worst denouements I have ever seen. Do yourself a huge favour and go out and rent Taxi Driver instead - a film classic that deserves to be paid homage to, but not in the way that the director of Observe and Report did.
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Cloverfield (2008)
1/10
it hurt my back
1 February 2008
I was not impressed at all with this film, particularly when I leaned forward during the third act and discovered that my back was wrenched. Looking back, that was the best part of this film experience because at least then i actually felt something other than contempt for yet another unoriginal Hollywood rip-off chock full of one-dimensional, clichéd characters. The best thing that happened was when they all died. Except for the dog. God, I loved 'Lil Scruffy. I hope he (she?) turns up in the sequels. P.S. Note to J.J. Abrams: 'Goodtimes' called, they want their name back. And another note to the 'actor' that played the cameraman: you suck!
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Them (2006)
7/10
Excellent atmosphere, no story
29 July 2006
As previous reviewers have mentioned, at the start of the story you are never quite sure what genre the film is, which works in this film's favour. In many ways this film reminded me of 'Wolf Creek' in that there was next to no story at all, but instead the film focuses on character's trapped in a life or death situation and the seemingly prescient nature of the pursuer(s). In addition, there's the appeal to the 'based on a true story' line that seems to reel in some gullible viewers while causing a good eye-rolling for the rest of us. To believe that the events that transpired in this movie are based on fact is not implausible, it just seems to be an excuse for a threadbare story. That said, the movie that it is is highly suspenseful. As another reviewer mentioned, I spent most of the film cringing. Surprising lack of violence which was very refreshing, which helps make an even stronger case for this film. The final shot was very chilling in it's implications, but perhaps portrayed the antagonists as being somewhat too detached, which for me, seemed to nullify the overall impact of the film. I gave it a 7/10. I would definitely recommend it for the masterful creation of suspense.
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Wolf Creek (2005)
5/10
Pretty brutal and ultimately unsatisfying.
27 December 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Before watching this flick, I only knew that it fell within the horror genre and that it involved kids traveling across the outback. The disclaimer at the beginning of the film read something to the effect of 'based on true events', which in filmic terms means that at least one of the events contained within the film may have occurred in real life. Based on that, and the fact that the male is the only one left alive at the end - having witnessed nothing of the demise of the two girls - there is very little left to sustain the 'truth' of the film. But that's really besides the point. Or is it? The structure of the film suggests a pseudo-documentary approach to the subject matter: there are no subplots, this is strictly a documentation of events which might have taken place. So, bearing that in mind, the film unfolds as a matter of fact retelling of an event. It is a slow build, yes, but a patient audience won't mind. I enjoyed the pacing very much: most films worth their salt don't dive right into the action without sufficient foreplay, for instance developing subplots...which there is none of here. However, after watching the film, I couldn't help but feel a little ripped off: I thought that I had seen the last of plot less drivel parading through the theatres. This film was basically a far crueler version of 'Breakdown' with Kurt Russell, without any of the suspense that made that film watchable. The film seemed to have been made on the pretense that it was 'based on true events', which if it had been, would have been somewhat compelling when it came to the actual scenes involving the fate of the two girls. But the fact that those scenes were completely fictionalized really diminishes the overall impact of the film, having said that though the scenes are effective, albeit brutal and upsetting for the average viewer. So ultimately, at the end of the film I said: Wow, that was pretty sick and had an authentic feel to it. But what was the point? And this is my big problem with the movie: It had a big build up so that you cared about these people only to watch them ruthlessly tortured and slaughtered. In essence, it's trying to be a slasher flick and a credible re-enactment 'based on true events' film. However, the principles of both genres are strange bedfellows and result in an unsatisfying filmic experience. I would recommend 'In Cold Blood' for viewers wanting to see a real 'based on true events' movie, far more disturbing yet far less graphic, or 'Breakdown' for a similar premise handled with more narrative aplomb (not that it's a classic, but you get the idea).
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typical of a canadian film, but shouldn't be...
15 February 2002
this movie is everything that narrative film in canada has become associated with due to the hyper-rigidity of telefilm/canada tax credit funding projects that have a 'canadian' feel to them. it's dull, bleak, and totally unremarkable in every way, except for it's unremarkleness. if you don't see the 'surprise' ending coming, then you're not the cinephile that this particular existentialist banality would even appeal to.

dull visual hooks, like a pen brandished like a weapon for waaaaaay too long, hallmark the overlong - yet slight - running time. the performances aren't bad, but neither are the performances in thousands of other movies of even marginally more entertainment value. perhaps the story would have been better in the hands of an accomplished director. leon marr did not but marr(sic) the project.

2/10 - being very generous
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