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Unhinged (2020)
Russell looks as if he ate Sheryl Crow.
And The Black Crowes. But he did a fine job with what he was given, which was a mess. Entertainingly silly stuff, though. Too bad the director and writer couldn't make a single scene seem believable.
Waves (2019)
What passes for great these days...
First of all, are there no competent defense lawyers in South Florida? The kid pled guilty to 2nd degree murder?! And it carries a mandatory life sentence?? Aside from that plot silliness, there's an atrocious and intrusive soundtrack, uberwoke messaging, and nausea inducing photography (perhaps that's why there were so many vomit scenes, although they do seem to be de rigueur for contemporary films.) Also, can anyone keep their goddamned head and appendages inside a moving car anymore? I found myself rooting for decapitation/loss of limb during those scenes. And the 2nd half was so excruciatingly drawn out that I was rooting for death by alligator anytime our mismatched pair of young lovers took to the water. Please, scaly green savior, make it end!
Slapface (2021)
It's NOT about bullies.
Clearly, the film's makers realized in post that the two cranky, fat twins, ostensibly the "bullies", got off scot free while the little black girl and the older brother's girlfriend did not fare so well, and so they added a bit of text explaining that they don't condone bullying and then some boilerplate about the horrors of bullying that we've all seen before in the silly, hypersensitive, woke culture that America has become.
The girls and the bullying , such as it was (I suspect that young actor had quite a hard on when the twins were pinning him to the ground), were ancillary to the story and could hardly be taken seriously. For some reason, a number of reviewers seem to think their behavior was what the movie was about. It wasn't. Also, when did Dan Hedaya get the worst plastic surgery this side of Renee Zellweger, and when did his already-atrocious acting become exponentially worse? His was about as bad as the older brother's performance.
There was a lot going wrong with this film, and the ending didn't help matters. Pretty bad flick.
The Special (2020)
Maybe they should have shot it in B & W.
Or made the Russian guy look more like Tor Johnson, or Rondo Hatton. Or if the lead actor wasn't so off-putting, and didn't make whatever he was doing look like he was acting at trying to make whatever he was doing look like whatever he was doing. Like thinking, or trying to open a door, or waiting at a counter to buy used bolt cutters, or walking up a flight of stairs. Or looking down his underwear. Would have added half a star.
One star each for the wife and the black neighbor.
Hagazussa (2017)
Hagazussa: Not Quite a Three Hour Tour. But that would have been fine with me.
While watching Gilligan's Island, there is no moment, no single frame in which the viewer does not know exactly what is going on. There is not one moment in which an ambiguous interpretation is a possibility in the audience's minds as to what was just seen. No episode exists in which a scene contains a surprise. It's as if you yourself wrote the script, loathed it, crumpled it up and tossed it into the wastebasket only to find it had been retrieved and is now playing on your TV set. It is torturous to endure yet impossible to turn away from. Thirty minutes that you'll hate, but will watch from theme song to end credits, then be left in a foul mood afterward.
Hagazussa's approach, on the other hand, is to shroud even the simplest of scenes in uncertainty. The viewer can make assumptions about what was just seen, yet still be at sea as to how it fits into the preceding and subsequent scenes. But, like Sherwood Schwartz's cultural icon, it is also impossible to shut off. What's more, it all somehow comes together eventually and you are glad you stayed till the end of the tale.
I live for this kind of flick.
Nocturne (2020)
Why?
There is no reason for that girl not to have had her top off.
The Honeymoon Phase (2019)
Does that guy have pectoral implants?
Cute chick, but apparently the film was her idea, and boy, is it ever a bad one. Really, an embarrassingly bad flick. And directed by whom, her husband? Creepy. Also, how does a guy with no discernible biceps happen to have these oddly bulging pecs? And who cut his hair, Zombie Astrid Kirchherr?? Speaking of, was the whole flick originally in German too? And what's up with his sperm? It never dries up! It just stays fresh in the scumbag for days on end. All in all, a generous two stars at best.
Shortcut (2020)
Unusually crappy, even for crap
Every copy of this garbage should be burned. Civil charges should be brought against everyone involved in its production. As bad as it is, it's worse than you can imagine. Depressives should be warned to avoid viewing this, as it might push them over the edge. I'd have preferred 90 minutes of flies landing on excrement.
Did I mention that I wasn't fond of this film?
In the Earth (2021)
There's a fungus among us...
...and apparently it's humongous. We're talking like 30 square miles, Davis. Of forest. Or larger! Maybe even every tree in the whole goddamned country. And it's those shrooms who call the shots, telling those trees what to do and when to do it! All they need is this kinda hot nutter chick to run some strobe lights and a few speakers from Pete Townshend's basement cranked up to Eleven. Power supply? Yeah, it's out here....somewhere. Camping out in these woods? No Smores? No problem. We got Spores! Yeah, now we're havin' fun! Who cares about that scary old pandemic in the outside world? Our Fauci-of-the-Woods won't make you double-mask, he'll just hatchet off a couple of ya toes, mate. Don't worry, you'll feel better AND it will cure your limp. That's right, throw away that nine foot crutch, 'cause you're fully cauterized and ready to boogie again. Man, this movie ruled! If only bears hadn't gone extinct in the UK, it could have been a 10 star flick. Or, if it'd had an on-screen scene of the kinda hot nutter chick bathing in a stream... Oh well.
3 stars.
Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Couldn't make it through an hour
And that was fifty minutes too long. It's almost like a spoof of the worst of its genre. Avoid this movie; you will be stupider for having watched it if you don't.
Underwater (2020)
As abysmal as its setting
What on Earth could they have possibly spent $80M on? 80,000,000 bottles of spring water? The books on this one need to be audited. And why was Kristen Stewart wearing eye makeup 7 miles down, much less getting it to stay on the entire movie? How do the leads in movies get cuts on their faces that never bleed? Where can I get a helmet that magically appears when I need to put it on again, even though I wasn't carrying it nor was it attached to my suit? And was Kristen Stewart's sports/training bra even necessary? The only other film I've seen her in was that one in Paris and her twin brother is a ghost or something, but at least she went topless in that, and those perky little A Cups were pretty sweet. This flick really, really blew on every conceivable level.
Host (2020)
Is there anything to spoil?
I don't know about you, but during lockdown, when I'm in a Zoom seance and the guide tells us someone may have inadvertently unleashed a pissed off demonic spirit into our homes, and suddenly unknown sounds and self-propelled inanimate objects begin to occur, I ALWAYS sit with my back to the rest of my darkened residence. Because, hey, the Zoom meeting...
Was that a spoiler?
The Mandela Effect (2019)
Finally, a Movie as Stupid as the Subject for Which it's Named
Although they've been done to death over the past decade or three, time travel movies {including, and especially, the wildly overrated Primer}, with the exception of Back To The Future, can never seem to come close to living up to the standard set by the Rod Taylor, Alan Young, Yvette Mimieux, and Sebastian Cabot 1960 version of the Wells novella, The Time Machine. Mandela continues the trend here.
First, the good: The protagonist smokes, the child actor is not annoying nor on screen too much, and the self-important {unless he knew the true power of the quantum computer?} douchebag is knocked out {killed?} by our hero.
The rest of the film serves up only a medium size portion of H'wood wokeness: The brother in-law is gay with a black boyfriend, and the wise, elder statesman of the "Universe is a Computer Simulation" theory is played, of course, by a poor man's Morgan Freeman. The lead actor, with his Arafat Perma-Stubble was {Berenstain} bearable only when in manic/panic mode which, thankfully, was most of the last two thirds of the flick.
There are no plot surprises, and Curious George saves the day - and existence - by staying up on the beach blanket where he belongs. If only there were an alternate reality in which this dud was never made.
Two stars
The Signal (2007)
Not scary, not funny.
Instructions and ingredients for failure:
Assemble the ugliest cast of actors you can find. Have them appear to ad-lib lines in scenes that are (desperately trying to be) alternately serious/comedic. Make sure that all actors are too annoying to be even remotely funny. Employ low-budget makeup and effects to remove any chance of making a genuinely frightening film. Make sure no viewer in his or her right mind would care enough about any of the characters to be curious as to what eventually happens at film's end. Add another director or two. Shake well.
Results: One colossal waste of time.
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Tons of fun
Well, one thing that can be said about the reviewers here from Europe, at least most of those I've read; they're still a sad, Jew-hating, America-envying, WWII-revising pack of ingrate losers, lacking even a scintilla of a sense of irony. Perhaps the film needed a subtitle for their edification: A Comic Fantasy.
Sadly, we'll have to rescue them again within a couple of decades, this time from their Moslem overlords. To hell with the lot of them, I say.
As for the film itself, Pitt, of whom I was never a big fan, turns in a deft tongue-in-cheek performance, Woltz steals the show, and Miss Laurent was a great find.
Loved this flick!
Solyaris (1972)
Is it over yet?
Prologue:
Chairman at Scientific Conference: "Dr. Snaut, we're sending you into space."
Dr. Snaut: "May I bring my leather jacket?"
Chairman at Scientific Conference: "We insist."
Epilogue:
Kelvin: "What? We're on an island in the middle of the Solaris Sea? How do I get out of here?"
Kelvin's Father: "Who do you think you are, The Harlem Globetrotters?"
User Comment: I did not care for this film. I tried to watch it twice, both times, unfortunately in the wee hours of the morning. I would not recommend attempting this feat. I could only make it halfway through each time. I eventually watched the second half of the film, waiting for the payoff that I knew was not forthcoming. Maybe I need to read the book.
Too slowly paced. Unbelievable characterizations. Lack of a wardrobe department. For all intents and purposes, no special effects. Not to be mentioned in the same conversation as 2001: A Space Odyssey.